Work.Retire.Die.

In this world of ‘tolerance,’ and ‘recycling,’ the golf course is one of the few places where a man can be a man in modern America, besides pretty much every institution, establishment, and governing body. As such, it is hallow ground and must be treated with respect and dignity. And there is nothing more sacred than a round of golf with your boys.

This guide will be for who we in the biz call a ‘normal person.’ You get on the course probably 3-5 times a year, shoot between 90 – 100, and really only play when you’re with friends. You don’t have a short game because, well, you have a job and drink on weekends and don’t have time to chip and putt.

This works for the serious golfers too, but you guys need to relax and realize it’s not the fucking club championship. Golf is more of a backdrop to the more important thing at hand – hanging out with your boys.

Coming Prepared:

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. An expression I made up that the was stolen from me by the US Army (thank you for your service.)

What You’ll Need:

• A cart
  • Pay the extra $30 and get a cart for the love of Christ. There is nothing more pathetic than a grown man walking around with one of those rolling golf bags. Golf is not about exercise.
• Water and Coffee
  • Cuz you’re hungover
• 6 beers per cart
  • Don’t worry, you’ll get more at the turn.
• Portable speakers
• Tobacco
  • It is ok to be unhealthy because you are playing a sport today. Lean in to your vices. At the minimum, you should have a cigar that takes 10 minutes to light because it’s windy and you end up putting out after 3 puffs because how are you supposed to smoke a cigar and swing a golf club?
• Sunscreen

Establish the Stakes:

If you’re not gambling, what is the point? I recommend creating a team bet – Cart 1 vs. Cart 2 – to build camaraderie and make shit-talking more fun. Play by whatever rules you want, but generally I recommend best ball (aka take the best score of a two-some from a hole.) This way, everyone gets to keep their own score if they actually care about their handicap and if one guy sucks, the other guy can carry him.

The Front 9: Feel it Out

The first hole is important. This is when you will want to post your first Instagram story, letting the world know that you are sophisticated, a minimal level of athletic, and have at least 3 friends. As far as mulligans, let’s stick to the breakfast ball policy. You get 1 on the first tee, and then let’s just play golf like normal people.

The important thing to remember is that the front 9 is for feeling it out. You are most likely hungover, since it is before 10 am on a weekend. Ease into the day – maybe wait until hole #3 before you crack a beer. It’ll become clear pretty quickly who is playing well and who will be having 5 beers before noon.

The front 9 is a nice time – everyone is still in good spirits, trash-talking is good natured and golf is still fun. Maybe there’s a group behind you that is on your ass or the people in front of you are slow, but it’s all good. It’s a beautiful summer day with your friends.

The Turn: Reset

Time to take a quick break and see where we’re at. Emphasis on quick. Have a burger or a hot dog. Talk about the round a bit. The most essential thing to do here is stock up on beers. Depending on the mood and competitiveness of the match, you will want another 6 – 12 per cart.

But keep it moving – the only thing more fun than a round of golf is when that round is over.

Holes 10 – 14: Lock In

This is the peak competitiveness. At this point, both teams have a chance of winning the high stakes bet of buying the first round of beers after the match. It’s time to lock it in a little bit. Maybe take an actual practice swing before your tee shot instead of gripping and ripping.

Things are going to get a little snippy here. It’s golf so everyone cheats, but at this point it’s kind of bullshit when the other team magically ‘finds their ball’ that went directly into the woods.

Mental warfare and shit-talking will be at an all time high. Things like “wow would be a real shame if you hit this directly into the trees,” or “nice putt, club get caught in your skirt?” or “no wonder your parents clearly favor your younger brother and every girl you’ve ever been with has left you for another man.” Fun stuff like that.

Holes 15 – 18: Flag the Cart Girl

At this point, the match is going one of two ways – it’s extremely close or extremely lopsided. Regardless, you will need to get another 6 beers to take you home.

• It’s a Close One
  • There are few moments in adult life where you get to be truly competitive. This is one of them. Yes you are a little drunk and maybe hit your friend’s weed pen a little too hard on the 13th hole. Champions don’t make excuses. This is the moment that you were born for. Burying a 25 foot putt for the win is something you can talk shit to your friends about for the next 10 – 45 years.

• It’s Pretty Much Over
  • One team has basically clinched and the wheels have come off on both sides. Only half of you are actually playing. The other two are drunk, maybe hitting a tee shot and approach here and there, but are mainly just peeing in the woods and talking shit about your other friends who aren’t there
  • Time for the serious pranks and wild cart wars. Maybe you rev your engine in your friend’s backswing. Maybe you tabletop your friend who is standing on the green. Maybe you race your carts down a big hill and feel alive for the first time in 4 years. Whatever happens, it is essential for you to share this on social media so everyone knows you are not only distinguished, but also wild, crazy and a fun guy : )
  • Even if it’s over, do one last bet on the 18th hole to keep it interesting.