Work.Retire.Die.

Editor’s Note: Every Friday afternoon from now until Labor Day, we will be dropping a new summer themed blog to close out your work day and take you into the weekend. 14 weeks, 14 topics, 14 chances for you to have something interesting to talk about at a pregame. If you’re new, go check out our previous Summer Fridays blogs. If you want to write or have an idea for a Summer Friday topic, shoot me a DM on Instagram @WorkRetireDie.

Happy 5th of July to all, universally known as National Hangover Day. The 4th of July is a lot. From parades to fireworks to barbecues to throwing up on your favorite pair of Sperry’s, it is one of the best and most exhausting days of the year. In all the madness, you probably forgot why we are celebrating, the true reason for the season – the Declaration of Independence. Ever heard of it?

A lot of you are pretty dumb and uneducated. Not your fault. A little frustrating for brilliant, intellectually curious people like me, but it’s fine. Luckily I’m here to help fill your brain with facts and arm you with the strongest weapon the world has ever known – knowledge.

declaration of independence facts

The Declaration of Independence was signed on July 2nd NOT July 4TH!!!

Holy shit. Could this information tear apart the very fabric of American society? How did I discover this incredibly explosive factoid? Did I have to risk my health and personal reputation to overcome incredible odds in my relentless pursuit of the truth?

You flatter me. I am lucky enough to have access to the vault of Wikipedia.com, where I learned that the Declaration of Independence was actually signed on July 2nd, but was not officially adopted by Congress until July 4th. This is similar to Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy, but it not actually going into effect until he cut up his credit cards.

Other popular things to declare include charitable donations on your taxes, items purchased in different countries when re-entering the US, and war on Serbia after the assassination of Arch-Duke Franz Ferdinand of Austria in 1918.

John Hancock didn’t do shit

John Hancock was, by all accounts, a pretty unremarkable man and honestly kind of a dick. He was born into incredible wealth and attended Harvard because the dean owed his dad a favor. When he graduated, he inherited his family’s massive shipping merchant empire, which he promptly ran into the ground. Sure, he was “in Congress” and was “a Governor,” but this was 1776 – there was like 45 people in the entire country. Wasn’t that hard for ol Johnny H to get elected.

However, he is remembered as an American hero for one simple reason – he has an absolutely sick signature. Every child who spent elementary school practicing cool signatures in their marbled composition notebooks looks up to this man, and rightfully so. We will always praise him and lift his name on high.

The lesson, as always, is sign your signature as big as possible and don’t be afraid to take credit for things you did not do.

Thomas Jefferson Went Shopping

Yep that’s right. Historians recently discovered that in the middle of one of the most important events in recorded history, Thomas Jefferson stepped out and went on a small shopping spree. What was so essential to demand this? It must have been a matter of life and death right? It was a thermometer and 7 pairs of women’s gloves, size medium. The best part is, he asked to be reimbursed by Congress, an establishment that literally was just invented and probably didn’t have a ton of budget for T&E.

Many of you will say to me – Content King, this is really not that interesting. Ok. Fine. Turns out, there’s not really enough fun facts about the Declaration of Independence to make an entire blog out of the topic and this was a bad idea. It’s too late to go back.

Doorknobs Did Not Exist

You heard me correctly. Doorknobs were not invented until 1878. Apparently, people in the 1700s were absolute morons. If you dropped me in 1776, I would instantly be the smartest, coolest, and fastest person in the entire world and it’s not even close.

Other things that were not invented in 1776.

• Peanut Butter
• Peanut Brittle
• Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
• ‘Reese’s? For Breakfast?’ ad campaign
• Cell phones
• Cargo shorts
• Car insurance
• Standardized Time
• Chicken Tikka Misala
• Time Machines
• Pinterest
• Razor Scooters
• Late stage capitalism
• Airpods
• Cell phone cases
• Self checkout machines
• iPads
• Sock em Boppers
• The Cotton Eye Joe
• Sectional Couches
• Disney Cruise Lines
• Popcorn shrimp
• Flip Flops
• Saxophones

The age gap between signers was 44 years. That’s a lot!

The youngest signer was a 26 year old lawyer names James Ruttledge. I’m currently 26 – if you hear of me signing a piece of legislation in the next year, then be extremely wary. This is most likely someone who is impersonating me to take advantage of my incredible cool hat collection and mounting credit card debt.

The oldest signer? Ben Franklin at age 70. Personally, I find Ben Franklin to be a disgusting person and a crime against God. I’m not going to get into it now, but the man invented syphilis yet is praised like a modern day Jesus? No thank you.

It is a Deadly Day for US Presidents

Three US Presidents have died on the 4th of July – John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe. It this interesting? No.

Ok how about this – one President, Calvin Coolidge, was born on the 4th of July. Is that interesting? Also no. Koko the Gorilla was born on the 4th of July. He learned how to speak sign language and he’s a monkey. That’s kind of interesting!

Other slightly interesting things that happened on the 4th of July

• France gave us the Statue of Liberty
• Hotmail was invented
• Imran Khan Takes His 300th Test Cricket Wicket
• Lewis Carroll came up with the idea for Alice in Wonderland
• I won the egg toss at a community picnic that is still talked about today
• Bob Ross died : /

There is a Treasure Map on the back of it

Thank you for your service Nic Cage. The world is a better place because of you.