Work.Retire.Die.

They say history is written by the victor. In no case is this clearer than the glorification of Ben Franklin, a fraud, philanderer and ne’er-do-well who somehow became an American hero and got his fat face plastered on the $100 bill. What’s wrong with ol’ Ben, a Founding Father, scientist, inventor, statesman, and author? Isn’t he an American icon? Sure – but not for the reason you’d think. And, if I had a time travel machine, the first place I’d go is to 1745 and kill the son of a bitch.

Ben was a legendary womanizer and whoremonger. His tales of bawdiness and debauchery were well known across the colonial landscape. He slept with everyone – young women, old women, French women, his best friend’s mistress, a mother AND her daughter. In fact, the only person he didn’t sleep with was his wife. How horny was Ben? He learned that his wife was on her death bed in America, but stayed in Paris for another 6 months because he couldn’t leave the brothels.

Well after all these years of living like Aldous Snow, it finally came time to pay the piper for ‘ol Benny Boy. The man was riddled with STDs, crippling him into his old age. Even worse, he kept sleeping around and spread the disgusting diseases he contracted abroad to the United States, where they live on today. None worse than the disease that took his life – syphilis. (Editor’s Note: None of this paragraph is technically true, but just trust me.) 

Why am I so obsessed with syphilis, you ask? Do I have syphilis, you pry? Well, the answer to that is a firm “I don’t know but probably not.” Regardless, it’s not polite to ask about someone’s sex life. And even though I only maybe have syphilis, I’m still allowed to care about a disease that impacts thousands each year and took the life of the great Al Capone, a personal role model of mine. I know what you’re going to say next. As STDs go, syphilis isn’t really that bad. I suppose you think the common cold isn’t that bad either? If you could kill the inventor of the common cold you would too right? Right???

I really know what you’re going to say next: so what? Ben Franklin did so many amazing things in his life. What’s the big deal if he cheated on his wife, slept with prostitutes, and infected the next 1,000 generations with an incredibly painful and shameful disease that I definitely do not have? I get it. You’ve been brainwashed for your whole life. Some lessons are hard to unlearn. So I’m gonna do ahead and go through some of Ben’s top accomplishments and show you how completely worthless they are. This way you won’t feel bad when I travel back in time and shoot him in the temple with a musket and feed his insides to rats.

Top 10 Worthless Ben Franklin Accomplishments

10. Electricity

First off, he did not ‘invent electricity.’ You cannot invent something that exists naturally in this beautiful world we call ‘Earth.’ Can you invent the wind? Can you invent my jawline? No to both (but if you chew a lot of gum, you’ll naturally have stronger jaw muscles.)

We all know about his cute little kite and lightning story. Not impressed. It doesn’t take a genius to run outside and get zapped by some sky fire. And maybe this is a hot take but electricity kinda sucks and has borderline ruined the human race. Sure, we have iPhones and indoor lights, but at what cost? Our souls?

This takes us to…

9. The Lightning Rod

Could anything be less useful than a lightning rod? Lightning striking buildings is a problem for what, 1% of the world? Maybe people in Kansas are psyched about it, but I don’t give a rat’s ass. We have more significant dangers to worry about. Like nuclear bombs that could end the entire planet and/or lingering itches that are either dry skin or syphilis or both. I’m sorry I’m not fired up about your little device that saves 12 houses a year BEN.

8. The First Post-Master General

Mail sucks. Every time I get mail it’s one of 4 things:

1. Gigantic magazine or catalog that literally won’t fit in my trashcan.
2. My college asking me for money
3. A bill that I could just pay online
4. A bill I won’t be paying at all

We have the Internet Ben. We don’t need mail you MANWHORE.

7. Anti-Slavery Rhetoric

Calm down. Of course I am not pro-slavery. If anyone hates slaves, it’s me. I hate slavery almost as much as I hate Ben Franklin and having nagging doubts about my sexual health.

Anyways, Ben get’s a ton of credit for protesting the international slave trade and delivering impassioned speeches on the institution of slavery as a whole. Bravo Ben! Thanks a lot! Too bad you owned 8 slaves and impregnated at least one of them. Coward.

6. Bifocals 

Not relevant. We have contacts. Some rich people even have Lasik. Get yo blind, raggedy, adulterating ass out of here.

5. Poor Richard’s Almanac 

This is Ben’s cute little book of whimsical sayings and life advice. How delightful! It’d be impressive if it wasn’t so ill advised, poorly written, and borderline psychopathic. And no, I didn’t copy sentence that from a recent, particularly devastating review of my blog.

4. Swim Fins

Ben claims he invented flippers when he was a child. First of all, no you didn’t. Fish invented flippers – it’s called webbed appendages, you jackass. Also, this is not that useful. Just…learn to swim?

3. President of University of Pennsylvania

UPenn is a wanna be Ivy stuck in a trash city. I could’ve gone there but I didn’t have the grades, SAT scores, extra curriculars, or immunity to a highly contagious disease spread primarily by kissing or bodily contact that the snobs in admission required.

2. Glass Armonica

This instrument he invented is actually kinda sick. It’s basically a glass organ and is low key beautiful to listen to. Mozart even wrote a song specifically for this instrument because he and Ben were so close. This one may be worth keeping Ben alive for.

1. Democracy 

Ben wrote the Declaration on Independence, which went on to be stolen by Nicholas Cage in the the documentary National Treasure. Big whoop. The thing is riddled with spelling errors and weird vocab. ‘Four score and 7 years ago’ – who talks like that? Just say 87 years ago.

I am told that is actually from the Gettysburg Address, which was by Abraham Lincoln (don’t get me started on him. John Wilkes Booth did us all a favor.) Doesn’t matter. The point remains. I do not have syphilis so stop asking.