Work.Retire.Die.

It’s finally time to tackle one of the thorniest, most controversial topics in American culture today – hooking up your coworkers. Unlike clearly black and white issues like “is The Sopranos the greatest TV show of all time?” (yes), this topic requires a significant amount of nuance and examination. That’s why I’m here.

With people returning to office and finally encountering their Zoom crushes in person, this issue is more relevant than ever. Luckily, we’ve prepared a simple 5 question guide to help anyone decide whether they should risk their careers for 3 minutes of passion with a colleague.

Hooking Up With Your Coworkers

Do You Think They’re Hot?

No? Then don’t. Simple enough. Unless they are really rich and/or susceptible to blackmail.

If played right, this can really help your career and bank account flourish. Just look at Jay-Z. I heard from a very good source that he’s been hooking up with his coworker Beyonce for YEARS and holding it over her head for personal gain. Not an exaggeration to say he owes his entire career to this savvy move.

Yes? Then go for it! Hooking up with people you find attractive is great.  It’s kind of the point of hooking up if you ask me. It’s also basically impossible to meet hot people in real life since everyone is kind of mean and you’re probably pretty ugly yourself. This is your chance to get to know a sexy person and maybe have them like you for your personality.  

Plus, there is nothing steamier than an office romance. It’s like having a crush in high school. There’s tons of meaningful eye contact, shared inside jokes, and planning your schedule around theirs so you ‘accidentally’ bump into each other. Makes you feel young again.

Do You Care If People Find Out?

No? That’s awesome! Everyone will definitely find out at some point and judge you one way or the other, so it’s good that you’re ok with that. The essential part to any office hookup is making sure the right people know. It’s fine if your friends know or if people are vaguely aware. Plus, if you think they’re hot then so what? What are you gonna do, think I’m lame for hooking up with the hottest person in the accounting department??? (Admittedly a very low standard but the point stands. )

Yes? Then practice complete discretion. I wish I could tell you that people don’t care if you’re hooking up with someone at work, but they sort of do. Offices are incredibly boring places. Finding out that two employees are swapping spit is hands down the most interesting piece of work gossip available, so make sure you guard this secret with your life.

Sign a blood oath with your lover. Arrange a secret marriage because your families have a long history of bad blood. Involve the town friar. Take poison when you think they’ve been killed. Break the audience’s heart when they realize your lover was actually just sleeping. Read Romeo and Juliet so you get these references.

Do You Like Them Outside of Work?

No? That’s ok. Sometimes you just don’t have anything to talk about besides how annoying your boss is and how Q4’s sales goal is totally unrealistic. You can still hook up with your coworker, as long as they don’t like you back. Office relationships can work in a very casual fling, like a twice a year drunk makeout after a happy hour. The important thing is that you’re on the same page.

Yes? Congrats! You now have a significant other! You’ll have to get married or get ready to prepare your resume for a new job when you break up, because while office hookups can work casually, office dating really only works when it’s serious.  There’s no in-between.

Do You Like Your Job?  

No? Join the club. Sometimes a job is just about collecting a paycheck and smooching as many of your coworkers as possible. At least that’s how everyone in the recruiting business treats their careers. If you hate your job, then go get laid as much as you like. Might as well make your miserable existence slightly more tolerable.

Yes? Ok, tryhard. Be careful. Obviously, it’s fine to hook up with your coworker, but stay away from people in the same department and anyone directly above or below you in the food chain. Also, just keep in mind that people will throw shade if you two are put on a project together or if you get a promotion that they’re somehow involved in. It probably had nothing to do with it, but know that people will talk.

And I know it’s awkward, but if it’s remotely serious, just report it to HR. What a stupid way to lose your job that you actually care about. But hey, love makes people do crazy things huh?  Ain’t that the truth.

Are You A Weirdo?

If the answer is no, then bravo. You’re a normal person with nothing interesting about you. I’m sure your significant other absolutely loves your vanilla sex life and isn’t yearning for more.

If the answer is yes, then just don’t bother even looking at any of your coworkers. It’s one thing to be a little freak in private, but now it’s potentially impacting your career? Not worth it. Just look at our dear friend Anthony Weiner. The man was just addicted to sending dick pics to his coworkers and what did it cost him? Ultimately nothing, but that’s politics baby.

The point is, if you got some weird shit going on, I don’t judge you but your coworkers might. Keep that shit to Craigslist or something.

If you’re not sure if you’re a weirdo or not, sorry dude but you’re probably a weirdo.