Work.Retire.Die.

As the Content King, women throw themselves at me constantly. It could be a bit overwhelming for a lesser man, but luckily I have the emotional strength and mental stamina to handle it. Sometimes though, I tire of real life romance and yearn for something more unattainable. More timeless. We’re talking Disney characters.

Today I will be ranking Disney females by how in love with them I am. Note I did not say how “hot” they are. It certainly helps to be hot, but this one is about so much more than that. L.O.V.E. The only thing worth fighting for in this world.

The females will fall into the following 3 categories:

• The Princesses:
  • Full list of Princesses can be found here. These are what Disney considers Official Princesses. According to the Fan Wiki page the requirements are
    • A) has a primary role in a Disney/Pixar animated feature film,
    • B) is human or mostly human-like
    • C) does not appear primarily in a sequel or commercial failure.
    • The actual title of Princess (or equivalent) is not necessary, but certainly helps.
• The Non-Princesses (Humans)
  • These are the smoking hot babes that don’t fall under the Disney Princesses category. Spoiler alert – they are generally wayyyyyyy hotter and sexier.
• The Non-Humans
  • These are mainly animals but some other non-human females who I am head over heels in love with. Unfortunately, this is only Disney movies so Lohla Bunny, Jessica Rabbit and the Sexy Fish from Shark Tale don’t make the cut. Maybe next time ladies.

Let’s get into it.

Part 1: THE PRINCESSES

5. Ariel from “The Little Mermaid”

Physically, is she extremely hot? Yes of course. Rocking body and beautiful as the day is long. But you know what’s not hot? Completely sacrificing your ENTIRE LIFE to leave your family and live with a guy you barely met. Have some pride girl. In real life, Prince Eric would be freaked out and probably ghost her after 3 weeks. Plus, he wouldn’t even need to because she CAN’T TALK. Also, she was hotter as a mermaid. Stay under the sea where you belong and meet a nice merman like the rest of us Ari.

4. Mulan from “Mulan”

I’m a big Mulan fan. Real badass chick plus she could bring Mushu along and it’d be a blast. I just don’t know how attracted to her I’d be. We’d definitely be great friends though.

3. Jasmine from “Aladdin”

She might be the hottest girl on this list. Ok she IS the hottest girl on this list. Extremely alluring and she may be the richest princess in the Disney universe (the Sultan has oil ties you wouldn’t believe.) But I think she really lets Aladdin off the hook way too easy. Can’t respect her tbh. She lacks the depth I need for love.

2. Belle from “Beauty and the Beast”

She’s beautiful. Humble. Independent. Smart as a whip. A caretaker type. Her experience dealing with Beast will come in handy when I lose my temper. Best part is, she’s a real bookworm so she’ll actually want to read all my blogs.

1. Pocohontas from “Pocohontas”

I am obsessed with Pocahontas. She is beautiful, athletic, family-focused, headstrong, and a nearly flawless singer (a little pitchy.) I truly don’t deserve her and realistically, she’d probably leave me if we ever got together. Hopefully I meet her in like 5 years when I get my shit together and I can lock it down.

FYI- If you disagree with me you’re a flat-out racist.

Part II: THE NON-PRINCESS FEMALES

5. Lilo’s Sister from “Lilo and Stitch”

I was rewatching this movie the other day. Honestly, it doesn’t really hold up (I find the character of Stitch to be a bit grating) BUT a true hidden gem is Lilo’s sister aka the original low key thicc. Girl is curvy as all hell plus she is literally raising Lilo on her own as a 17 year old. Maternal instincts much? She also nabs the hottest guy ever so she’s gottta be doing something right.

4. Jane from “Tarzan”

She’s the whole package – looks, brains, and her dad is a quirky professor. Only problem is, she fell in love with a man who was raised by wild animals and literally thinks he’s a monkey. She’s gotta be completely nuts. Also, I have really bad jealousy issues. If I ever did win her heart, there is no way I can compete with fucking Tarzan. I’m just a handsome blogger – nothing more, nothing less.

3. Mrs. Incredible from “The Incredible”

The picture says it all. Plus it’d be sick to have a superhero around the house. Only problem is, she’s a married woman. We don’t do adultery on this blog, no matter how tempted we are (sorry Meghan Merkle, just let it go.) If she was a Ms. Incredible? That’s a different story. Could be talking a top 2 spot.

2. Esmerelda from “The Hunchback of Notre Dame

She may be the hottest one on this list. Piercing eyes. She’s definitely a good person, since she was the only one to show kindness to Quasi Moto. However, as you can tell from the picture, she is flirtatious as FUCK. I’d just be worried about the friend zone with her. You can’t take her flirting that seriously – she does it with everyone. Can’t trust a gypsy woman. But, if she’d have me, I’d take her in a heartbeat.

1. Meg from “Hercules”

I have a soft spot in my heart for Meg. Do those sashaying hips and that thick hair drive me crazy with lust? Of course. But it goes so much deeper than that. This post is about Disney females I love. And that’s Meg.

See, Meg has been hurt before. She thought she met the love of her life but it didn’t work out. So she spent life emotionally closed off, trying not to let herself feel anything. It’s ok Meg, sometimes it’s the only way to make life bearable. Then she meets Hercules, and expects him to be the same as people who’ve let her down in the past. But over time, he surprises her and wins her over. Most importantly, he sees the true inherent goodness in her, even though she tries to convince him otherwise. See for all her sins, she so desperately wants someone to see her good intentions. We can all relate to that. Honestly tearing up writing this right now.

So yes, does she trick him at the beginning and almost kill him? You betcha pal. But she also has the courage to let her guard down and love again and is willing to sacrifice her own life for that love. Hercules is the greatest love story ever told (after Hitchcock) and I won’t hear anything differently.

Part III: The NON-HUMANS

5. Tinkerbell from “Peter Pan”

Super hot pixie. But way too possessive, and clearly not over her ex Peter Pan. I’ll pass

4. Lady from “Lady & the Tramp”

She’s such a little cutie pie. I’m just really close to Tramp. Could never do that to my boy. Maybe in a different time Lady. Maybe in a different life.

3. Sally from “Cars”

This one is the only non-mammal but still, Sally is a goddam catch. Don’t be racist towards machines guys. When Lightning meets Sally, she’s moved to Radiator Springs for a new start after leaving life as a high-powered attorney in LA. She’s smart and successful, but still down to earth. Plus, she has that pinstripe tattoo left over from her former life so you KNOW she’s got a little freak in her. Last but not least, for those who’ve followed the Cars trilogy, she continually supports Lightning in his career without sacrificing her own. Ummmm dream girl much?

2. Vixey from “Fox and the Hound”

She is, to pardon the expression, an absolute fox. She almost broke up the Fox and the Hound’s friendship but you can’t really blame her.

1. Nala from “Lion King”

I became a man the first time I watched this scene. The next woman (or maybe even animal) who gives me a look like that will be getting a ring from me.

Thanks for reading. Again hit me up if you wanna guest write the Disney Prince post. And follow us on Insta and subscribe on WordPress.