Work.Retire.Die.

It’s the summer and in the working world thats mean one thing: IT’S INTERN SEASON. It’s time for a new crop of bright-eyed college students to ask too many questions in meetings, drink way too much at the company happy hour and generally inject some much needed life into your boring ass office. People shit on interns, but I personally think it’s nice to be around people who haven’t completely given up and still have a small sparkle of hope left in their eyes.

For the interns out there, welcome to the blog. Now that you (sort of) have a real job, you are (kind of) a contributing member to society. Great news – you are FINALLY allowed to be a WRDie. This site is the only thing that will get your through your day of mindless data entry in Excel.

My overall advice for internships is to acknowledge that they are stupid. If your “project” mattered, why the hell would you be doing it? The most important thing you should take out of an internship is not the work itself, but how to behave. In an office. Chilling on a weeknight. Out on the town. This is your time to practice being an adult when the stakes don’t really matter.

For the cool post-grads who aren’t stupid idiot loser interns, this time will also impact us as well. All your favorite bars will be over-crowded with 21 year olds (@Phebes) and at work, you’ll probably have to be responsible for some college sophomore who has no idea how to open Outlook. So there’ll be some tips for you too. If you need more tips for summer, learn how to HAGS here.

Let’s get into it.

OUT OF THE OFFICE:

FOR THE POST-GRADS:

*Please note that this does not apply to interns you work with. This is about the swarm of interns invading cities across America who you’ll encounter on a nightly basis.*

Recent Grads

If you’ve been out of college for less than 2 years, intern season is your time to shine. No longer are you the freshmen of the post-grad world. You’re finally more experienced than someone out there – you might as well abuse it.

• Money: 
  • College aged girls are the only people left who will be impressed that you have a job and can buy a round of fireball shots and 6 Bud Lights. You might as well go post up at Hair of the Dog, tell everyone how you “work in finance,” and act really condescending towards them for not knowing what a Roth IRA is.
• Sex: 
  • Romantically, you can experience the true definition of a summer fling. You get two months with your boo before they go back to Maine and finish their Spanish major at Colby College. Have fun and don’t get attached.

Seasoned Vets

If you’re like older than 24, I’m not going to tell you to get with a college girl. It’s kind of like being a senior and hooking up with a freshman – it’s nots bad but I just wouldn’t go out of your way to do it. At the end of the day though, these people are (in theory) 21 years old, so if they’re hot and cool, go for it. But remember fellas and ladies- on this blog, we always check ID.

FOR THE INTERNS:

I know you’re “so busy” at college with your two 90 minute classes that don’t start until 12, but that is just not how normal people operate. This summer is the time for you to figure out how to manage your time and energy in a soul-sucking  9 – 5 life.

• Weeknights: 
  • The biggest shock to me during my first internship was that I was just done at 5:30 every day. No homework to worry about. No clubs or groups to go to. Did I take advantage of it? If you count smoking weed and watching “The Office” re-runs taking advantage of free time, then yes. Yes I did. Be better than me please.
• Weekends:
  • It’s not a fraternity or your dorm room any more. You need to learn how to behave in bars and clubs and not be a complete mess. If you figure that out, let me know

IN THE OFFICE:

FOR THE INTERNS:

Pro-Tip 1: Find The Middle Ground

I generally find that interns can either be very meek and quiet or way too cocky and loud. Let’s land somewhere in the middle.

• Dress Code
  • The easiest way to spot a try-hard intern is to find the guy dressed in a full suit on the first day of orientation. It’s business casual not the Secret Service buddy.
• Free Stuff
  • Yes, there’s free coffee. Sometimes even free lunch. If you’re lucky, there’s free beers in the fridge. Please don’t be a dick about it. Don’t take home 6 leftover sandwiches from a meeting for dinner or crack a beer at your desk every day at 4 pm. This is a society for the love of god.
• Speaking Up
  • No one likes a loud mouth but no one likes a little bitch. Give yourself a week or two to feel out the vibe of the office. I know it’s annoying, but err on the side of speaking up in meetings and asking questions, especially if you want a job there after college. Being shy doesn’t get you any points in life.
• Staying Late
  • We get it, you have no actual work to do. But don’t leave at 5 pm on the dot every single day. At the same time, no need to be the last intern to leave every single day. No one thinks you’re driven and everyone thinks you’re a complete nerd.
• Happy Hour
  • Do NOT be the intern who gets too drunk at the company happy hour. Drink a little bit so the full timers knows you’re cool, but take it easy. My personal advice is get one or two of the other interns suuuuppper drunk. Then you can still have a good time and everyone will talk about them and not you.

PS – take these tips with a grain of salt. When I was an intern, I referred to myself as Chief Executive Intern and it all worked out fine.

Pro-Tip 2: Don’t Overshare

This is easily the biggest mistake interns make and the hardest lesson new grads have to learn. People want to get to know you in the office, but like only a little bit. Absolutely no one is impressed that you are in a fraternity. No one, especially your boss, wants to know how drunk you got last night. It’s not cute. You have 2 months to impress people and maybe lock up a full time gig after you graduate. Let them find out how much of a degenerate you are once they can’t fire you.

Pro-Tip 3: Do What You’re Told

Simply put, you are not better than anything you’re asked to do. When you roll your eyes at being asked to do minor tasks, it makes you look like the entitled millenial/Gen Z that everyone already thought you were.

FOR THE POST-GRADS

Pro-Tip 1: Be Patient

Interns are annoying as fuck. It’s not their fault, but like get it together guys. They will do shit like this for the entire summer:

• Send emails that are 3 paragraphs long and you have no idea what they’re asking you
• Set up 30 minute touch bases to “go over their goals” and “find out what you do here”
• Ask you questions about the dumbest shit ever. Like dude, I’m not in HR, stop asking me when our paychecks come and what holidays we have off.
• Address you in an email as “Mr.” followed by your first name
• Ask you for feedback on literal minor tasks. Yeah man you did a really good job booking that room for the 3 o’clock and making sure the phone worked.
• Ask questions in a company wide meeting
• Look happy showing up to work

Cut them some slack. Office culture is super weird and most of these kids are still not old enough to drink. They’ll figure it out.

Pro-Tip 2: They’re Not Your Pledges

These days, you have to pay interns (lame) so you might as well give them actual tasks. Look at this as your chance to have someone do all that shit you hate. They will JUMP at the opportunity to do some data entry, document organization, or some dumb industry/competitive research you know your boss will never look at. Plus, you never know – they might actually do a good job and make you look good in the process.

Pro-Tip 3: They’re Not Your Friends

Being way too close with the interns is just a bad look. And trust me, the interns won’t think you’re cool either. They just think you’re a loser. Probably because you are. Loser.

And I shouldn’t have to say it, but just keep a respectful distance from opposite sex. Yes, obviously college girls are super hot and stuff. But nothing could be less worth it than getting involved with an intern in your office. Ask Bill Clinton.

That’s all I got. Enjoy the summer while it lasts. HAGS Tips can be found here. And for those new to the blog, check out our Instagram for some A1 memes (almost at 1k followers!) and subscribe the the blog by clicking the “Follow” button right there at the bottom.