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*Editor’s Note: June 8th, 2018. Historians will remember today as a monumental moment in women’s history, on par with the passing of the 19th Amendment granting women suffrage and the appointment of Sandra Day O’Connor as the first female Supreme Court Judge: the date of WRD’s first female guest column. She goes by Startup Sloan, which I would say is a dumb name but I know girls are sensitive so I will refrain. See? Everyone’s learning already. Enjoy.

Which Disney Prince Do I Want to Sleep with the Most? A Woman’s Perspective

Yes, this is the moment a small percentage of the WRD community has been waiting for. We’ve been berating Content King with these questions for months: When will you stop ranking things that are in your direct line of vision, Content King? When will you offer a female perspective on professionalism in 2018, Content King? Is that really where you think the clitoris is, Content King?

Well the day has come, ladies. Let me introduce myself as Startup Sloan. I’m a progressive American woman working in a fast-paced industry who has to supplement her salary with a side hustle so if you haven’t noticed I don’t really have time for romance. Also, the #MeToo movement has pretty much all but turned me off to trusting pretty much anyone born with a penis so I don’t really let anyone in. BUT, that’s a problem for my Talkspace therapist. That being said, a girl has needs and I do indulge in the anti-slut-shaming freedom of casual hook-ups.

In response to Content King’s radically romantic ranking of Disney Princesses, I’m going to get down to what this post is really about: a ranking of the Disney Princes according to how much I’d like to sleep with them.

To keep it fair, we are limiting this to cartoon characters only despite the unrealistic logistics of cartoon sexual relations, mainly because if we did not I would just list Will Turner from Pirates of the Caribbean for all 15 spots and move on.

Rules remain the same:

• The Princes:
  • Full list of Princes can be found here. These are what Disney considers Official Princes. According to the Fan Wiki page the requirements are
    • A) has a primary role in a Disney/Pixar animated feature film,
    • B) is human or mostly human-like
    • C) does not appear primarily in a sequel or commercial failure.
    • The actual title of Prince (or equivalent) is not necessary, but certainly helps.
• The Non-Prince (Humans)
  • These are the men that don’t fall under the Disney Prince category. Super hot, just not as rich, so do with that what you will.
• The Non-Humans
  • These are mainly animals and I know that’s weird, but come on it was just as weird to be attracted to full grown men as a child so get the fuck over it.

Saddle up, let’s physically objectify some dudes.

Part 1: THE PRINCES

1. Li Shang from Mulan

Ignore the socks. This dude is rocking all other trends and is completely owning it. Man bun? Check. Bold brows? Double check. A chest wide enough for you to rest your whole head on as you fall asleep after a mind-blowing session in bed? You betcha. Li Shang is hot and has both physical and royal power, but he is a little too uptight for my taste. He’s the kind of guy who is probably pulling his bedsheets off to wash them before you even get out of his bedroom. Loosen up, dude, it won’t kill you to admit that you had a good time. Also I know you’re an actual drill sergeant, but please never order me to do anything ever again. Next.

1. Beast/Prince Adam from Beauty and the Beast

The Beast/Prince Adam is a difficult conundrum. Yes, Prince Adam is the rugged man of my dreams, but the thought of having to sleep with Beast is utterly terrifying. Beast is the guy you go home with and when he takes off his pants you’re just like “I’m really sorry but this is physically impossible” and he knocks a shelf off his wall in a fit of rage. The sheer passion of it is kinda hot, but you’re still scared. Prince Adam is what you get when he looks up from under his lashes and tells you he can make this work in other ways. Go Prince Adam, good for you.

1. Flynn Rider from Tangled

This dude’s signature move is called The Smolder. There is a 100% chance I am going home with him from the bar. He was an orphan, then a thief, and goes by a fake (but hot) name because his parents hated him before they abandoned him and he’s really named Eugene. Sad boy turned bad boy turned prince? Yeah. Sign me up.

1. Aladdin from Aladdin

If you haven’t noticed, being a thief is in. Aladdin steals to keep himself and his crew (a monkey) alive and honestly that is the kind of provider and lover I’m looking for. He’s a smooth talker and he can make your wishes come true, so that combined with his experience (do not forget the scene early on in the film where he’s in a brothel) I have no doubt this kid will show me A Whole New World. Plus, sex on an oriental rug is old-world hot.

1. Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid

Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul.* Prince-Er-ic. Dark hair, light eyes is the universally accepted hottest combo on a man. While he would struggle with my need to constantly talk, I am willing to shut the fuck up if he would just kiss de girl. He’s confident, but coy, he’s okay with quirky girls, and most of all Prince Eric is a stand up guy that I would be proud to have my roommates see slinking out of my room at 11am on a Saturday. JUST LOOK AT THAT JAWLINE AND THOSE TRAPS. I would get a round of high-fives for sure. Prince Eric, it is only too obvious that you are a fictional character. I mourn the fact that I will never be able to run my fingers through your perfectly mid-length hair.

*If Lana Del Rey can steal from Nabokov I can too.

PART II: The Non-Princes

1. Milo from Atlantis

Okay, I barely remember the plot of Atlantis other than the fact that they’re trying to find a lost world, but I do remember that this guy was bookishly cute, and hot professor is one of the most frequently role-played scenarios. Once in a while it’s nice to hook up with a guy who keeps Hemingway on his bedside table and isn’t afraid to get into real topics during pillow talk. Milo hits the spot for when you’re looking to be fulfilled intellectually. Also, I’m pretty sure this choice was heavily influenced by Cole Sprouse and his perfect Halloween costume because I love a man who’s willing to go all out for theme parties.

1. David Kawena from Lilo & Stitch

Content King said that this man would be heavily featured in this post and he is currently my boss, so I am meeting the requirement. TBH I never really got into David but he seemed like a nice guy because he was willing to date a 17 y/o who was essentially already a mom. Also he can surf which is sporty but not in a douchey way and lives in Hawaii so at least if you hooked up with him you would probably also be on vacation. Sounds like a really nice little fling with no strings attached.

3. Tarzan from Tarzan

Power of an animal, body of a man. Difficulty communicating, but we’re not really here for that. It’ll be fun, you’ll fantasize about his rugged bod for years, and you won’t have to give a deep explanation for why you need him to leave at 8am because he’ll just kind of grumble and put his loincloth back on before jumping out of your window onto the neighbor’s roof and then sliding down their rain gutter. Slam, bam, thanks, man.

1. Peter Pan from Peter Pan

I’m disappointed to say this man-child is so high on my list but admittedly, my scratched DVD of the live-action 2003 release and limited-edition copy of Peter and the Starcatchers proves I’m a sucker for Peter Pan types. Who hasn’t fantasized about a sparky, young guy climbing in through her window in and stealing her away to a better world? Peter is a playboy who you’ll never truly lock down, so guard your heart. It seems really fun, but your head is in the clouds. Don’t get me wrong, flying is amazing and makes the sex even better, but all of that sky-time leaves you out of touch with reality. Hot-friend Tigerlily is suspicious, he’s not willing to leave Neverland and his friends (groupchat name: The Lost Boys) to visit you in London, and yet somehow you’re still amazed this orphan doesn’t understand love #mommyanddaddyissues. Ultimately, you’ll wake up one morning saying “When did I start snorting fairy dust? Who am I?” and realize that you deserve someone who faces their real-life problems instead of playing with pirates all day. Save yourself and keep this hookup to a one-night-stand.

1. Hercules from Hercules

The dude is literally a Greek God which is the slang term for “absolute 10/10.” Young Hercules, Adult Hercules, they’re all ranking at the top here. He takes crazy good care of his physique, seems like his intentions are pure and just, and has a really important dad so obviously he’s a winner. He also likes brunettes which is a rare quality in hot guys so I’m gripping on with white knuckles. Hercules would be able to toss you around like pita bread and would do that giggle thing the whole time. By the time you’re done with him, you’ll have that Grecian Glow about you too.  

PART III: THE NON-HUMANS

1. Woody from Toy Story

Okay, yeah, weird choice, but Cowboys are all but lost in this culture and chicks dig a man’s man. Imagine Teddy from Westworld, but like, before Dolores fucked with his settings (if you’re not watching Westworld in real time, shame on you). Woody is a sheriff and basically the Mayor of Andy’s Toy Chest, so he seems like a real catch. Someone needs to knock Bo-Peep down a few notches as her only female competition is Mrs. Potato Head, and that girl is you. Plus, his name is Woody so like make some inferences around that.

1. Thomas O’Malley from The Aristocats

Do people forget about this movie? Thomas O’Malley the Alley Cat is a smooth criminal literally and figuratively. He’s got those street smarts that every girl falls for and he can dance to jazz music. He’s the type of guy who can walk you home without a map in the morning and will probably purr something sexy in your ear as he smirks and walks away. And as the end of the movie shows, he CAN clean up and look dapper as hell in that bow-tie collar, so you know he’s more than a gutter-cat.

1. Tramp from Lady and the Tramp

This guy got a bad rap for his shaggy beard and unkempt appearance, but Tramp just wants to be taken care of. He’s got a troubled past and he’s looking for some love, so he’s a great FWB candidate. He lets you feel wild and safe at the same time and he’ll even do that cute spaghetti trick with you when you order takeout and eat it on the floor of your apartment. Don’t let your friends convince you to cut things off with him just because he hasn’t had a haircut in two years. He’s fun, friendly, and just sleazy enough to make it interesting.

1. Simba from The Lion King

King of the Jungle. Enough said. You crushed hard on Simba when you were growing up and sexual feelings weren’t explained to you yet, but you knew you had chemistry of some type with him. He went away to an all-boys school or something right as you hit puberty and you didn’t see him again until after college at your cousin’s wedding but it hits you like a bag of bricks. Oh, he’s an taking over his father’s successful kingdom now? He has a full head of hair? Slide into his DM’s and slip him a hotel key because you’re about to have a really fun night.

1. Max from The Goofy Movie

I’m biased. Max was my first crush and I honestly believed he was my boyfriend from ages 3-8. My parents went along with it and didn’t tell me it was weird because he was not human, so whatever. But he was cute, the right amount of angsty, and had an alter-ego. Throw in his skateboarding skills (it was the late 90s, okay?) and he had me hook, line, and sinker. I would hook up with Max and absolutely devour him with my alpha-girl personality, but I would relish in that power dynamic.

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So there you have it. WRD’s first female-lead blog is up and now you know that it’s summer and girls just wanna have fun – save your romance for after Thanksgiving when Cuffing Season is in full swing.
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