Work.Retire.Die.

*Editor’s Note: Today we have a special post from recurring guest columnist Global Intern. You know him as the co-writer of Office Worker Draft (I wrote all the funny jokes.) He’s been out of college for one year, so naturally he thinks he knows everything. He’s here to share it.

5 Lessons From One Year as a Hopeless Corporate Hack

It’s the start of the summer which marks one full year of being a miserable postgrad. I wish I could say I’ve changed my ways since being a self-absorbed college senior but unfortunately not much has changed in the “personal growth” department for young Global Intern. Nonetheless, I’ve gained some knowledge along the way and the dictatorial Content King wants me to write this column cuz he’s slowly running out of his own original content. Here it goes — top 5 lessons from one year as a hopeless corporate hack.

1. You don’t know shit and no one cares about you

You’re a cog in the machine. Lower than dirt. If you got fired tomorrow no one would blink an eye, some people might even cheer. The guy who replaces the trash cans in your office is smarter than you and knows more about the world. If you were an animal in the food chain, you’d be whatever the animal equivalent of a sad excuse for a man with no knowledge or skills is. Like a cockroach, but with more student debt. The gum on the bottom of my shoe has more experience than you. Your parents are embarrassed when you speak at dinner with their friends and your boss thinks your “ideas” are just plain fucking stupid. So shut your mouth and run that Excel model again, you human computer.

The first thing I noticed when I got into the workforce was that every second of schooling I’d received since kindergarten was going to be useless in my role (except for writing, I mean look at this prose, you wish you had this Hemingwayesque prose you quant nerd sellout). The sooner you learn that you are a literal child in the eyes of the world and you have nothing to offer other than not being a nightmare to work with and actually trying at something for once the sooner you’ll get over the learning curve. I also figured out quickly that no one gives a shit about your feelings. In high school and college, teachers “take an interest in you” and for the most part cut you some slack. HA gay! In the real world if you suck at something (job tasks, talking to girls in bars, etc.) it’ll get thrown back in your face immediately in front of your coworkers/friends and you’ll be left nursing your damaged ego. Don’t be a bitch about it, the sensitive guy who can’t take a joke/criticism never gets a promotion or the girl.

2. Meal prep will make you a weekend millionaire

This is probably the most important thing I have ever learned: goods and services cost money. Doesn’t really matter what city you move to or what job you have — unless you’re in banking in which case have fun with all of your money and no free time you gluttonous pig, I’ll take my minimalist WRD guest blogger lifestyle and no hard skills thank you very much– life is going to be much more expensive than it was on your cute little college campus in New England with free food and board and bullshit “socratic-style classes” and girls that “don’t find you attractive” and friends that “hate being around you when you drink”. Moving on.

Quick sidenote on the whole “life is really expensive and marketing jobs should really pay more, like think about inflation and stuff” conversation: turns out you actually have to pay your bills.

My roommate and I didn’t pay our gas bill for 3 months cuz we were like “it’s ConEd! We live in a small apartment with limited utility usage! They have bigger fish to fry! Why would we open our mail! Just venmo request us, dude!” And while I still think those are all valid points, we finally got a bill equivalent to what I imagine Mark Zuckerberg makes per month (so like a shade over $500) and we had to not go out on Thursday for TWO WEEKS. Pay your bills. You’re an adult now, even if you’re behavior at 13 Step last weekend begs otherwise.

Anyways I realized very quickly that alcohol and food were the things I spent all my money on, so naturally I made the mature decision: continue to black out at overpriced bars 4 nights a week and eat chicken and rice every night so I can break even after I pay rent.

Meal prep is simple: On monday night (after you go to the gym and hope to not faint from dehydration and exhaustion after the weekend decimated your body) go to the cheapest grocery store in your area. There are only two aisles you care about: Grains and Meat. Go grab two boxes of the cheapest pasta or rice they have then make your way to the chicken section. Now here’s the best thing I learned about food pricing: the closer to expiration a piece of chicken is, the lower the price. So take about 8 minutes sifting through all of the fresh chicken breasts (right, cuz money grows on trees!) and find the value pack of 4 chicken thighs that expires tomorrow. Guess what? You just spent $25 and you have 5 meals. Cook that shit up at home with salt and pepper (maybe treat yourself with some Mrs. Dash seasoning cuz you deserve it big boy) and boom you have sustenance for the week. Now you can drink as much as you want on the weekend, and if you get to Saturday night after 48 hours of drinking and you still manage to run out of money, please refer to lesson #3.

3. Credit cards are just free money

If you have a balance of $0 on your credit card I think you’re a dick and I honestly don’t trust you. “Oh, Global Intern you stupid boy don’t you know that keeping a large balance on your credit card hurts your credit score?” Hey John Hancock, why don’t you shut up and let me live my life? Credit scores are for old people. Pretty sure I live in a city with a great public transportation system and there’s this sick new app called Uber that just came out (you’ve probably recently seen commercials of their ethnically ambiguous CEO pretending to care about people’s feelings and not his bottom line) so I’m not gonna need to buy a car any time soon. I’m not opening a freaking Deli or Mini Golf Course (typical examples of small businesses — keep up, please)  so I don’t need to apply for a loan. And owning a house is just stupid — haven’t you seen The Big Short? So if you get that email from BofA that your debit card balance fell below $25, don’t panic — you have another piece of plastic that will guarantee you a great time in the short term (“hey guys I got this one” makes you look super cool to all genders, trust me) and a confusing financial situation on Monday night when you check your bank accounts (only psychos look on Sunday). Completely random sidenote: if you know how to get collection agencies to stop calling you without having to actually pay them please comment below.

4. Jobs make you fat, weekends make you fatter

Just go to the gym, you pig. Run on the East River. Go for a walk like your parents do when they’re tired of listening to their ungrateful and spoiled children argue about what to watch on Netflix. It’s beach season, you don’t need to be as ripped as Global Intern but you don’t wanna be this guy:

5. Saying yes will save your soul

Seriously though life can get dull. Why do you think I’m guest writing for a blog? Work is boring, you’re always tired, and you can end up getting caught in the monotony. But in reality, year 1 postgrad is a lot like college (with more money, less hot girls, more responsibility, less friends, and less free time but you get it) — it’s a lot fun but it’s all about what you make of it and what your priorities are. If you’re like me and have been a slave to peer pressure your whole life, postgrad’s liberating cuz people get it if you wanna do something different than the group or take a night off.

Now, having said that. You are a man/woman (inclusivity is key, hi mom!) child. You are in the prime of your life. If your friend tells you he has tickets to something but it happens to fall on a Tuesday night — just go and deal with the miserable Wednesday when you have. Outside of saying yes to different fun shit, i found that saying yes to things that make you uncomfortable is also huge. I haven’t played the drums in 10 years but my friends and I decided to start a band and now we’re the 55th best 3 person Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band in New York, with no real gig in sight (yes girls love me for this and no the fame and success and cash is not getting to my head).

But for real. Ask that cute girl in Sales out, she’ll probably say yes cuz she’s just as bored as you (not because she’s actually interested in you). Go on that trip that’s a little over your budget. And for the love of god get out of the bubble of your college friends and meet some new people.

Year 1 of postgrad is like being a freshman in college so just be an idiot and have a good time and learn how to be a quasi-adult cuz soon you’ll be on your third hip replacement and in bed with a book by 9pm on a Saturday night.

That’s all folks. Like always, follow us on Instagram for some dope ass memes and make sure you click the follow button on the bottom of the WordPress to get notified via email of new posts. Picture below for idiots