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Best Excuses to Break Your New Year’s Resolutions That You Weren’t Going To Keep Anyways

We’re two weeks into January and it’s about that time where we start to falter with our New Year’s Resolutions. Rather than beat yourself up for being a failure of a person, it’s time to be easier on yourself. As a kind of toxic self-help blog, we’re here to make you feel better about being just mediocre in your life and give you some good excuses to abandon your New Year’s Resolutions.

Best Excuses to Break Your New Year’s Resolutions that You Weren’t Going To Keep Anyways

This picture doesn’t make sense but he looks happy and that’s how you should look

Resolution: Complete a Dry January

Let’s be honest – there is no chance you are making it the entire month without drinking. Nor should you. Here how you pick up the bottle again without feeling bad about it.  

Excuses to Start Drinking Again:

  • You’re Making An Event More Fun For Everyone Around You

Your friends might say you get ‘really annoying’ and ‘ruin nights’ when you drink, but they’re probably just jealous and most likely just too small minded to understand. The fact is, alcohol makes everything more fun, including you. That’s why God invented it.

The key thing here is you want to frame your return to drinking as a gift to another person. This is especially effective at an event where an actual gift is expected like a birthday party or your nephew’s first communion. Instead of giving them a $25 iTunes gift card, give them the gift of your inebriation.

  • You’ve Now Become Addicted to Various Other Substances

A side effect of Dry January is you’ll find other substance to fill the void in your broken psyche. Instead of relaxing with a nice glass of wine, every night you are now smoking weed to the point of comatose, experimenting with whip-its and gambling your life savings on regular season NBA games. Honestly, drinking again is the healthiest thing you could possibly do.

  • You Watched Fleishman is In Trouble and Want to Keep Liver Doctors Feeling Valued.

You can either destroy your own liver or destroy a marriage in a fictional TV show where Jesse Eisenberg is weirdly made to feel like a failure for being a top liver doctor in a New York hospital.  The choice is up to you.

Wowwww look at this total cuck loser who works as a top doctor in hospital. little broke ass bitch

Resolution: Lose Weight

It’s a lot of work to maintain consistent exercise and healthy diet and even then, sometimes it just doesn’t work. Honestly, why bother? Instead of feeling bad about it, use these excuses.  

Excuses to Avoid Losing Weight

  • You Don’t Want to Have to Buy New Clothes

I’ve never actually lost weight in my life, but I can imagine this is one of the sinister side effects. Losing 15 pounds and going down a waist size is just fiscally irresponsible. The financial burden of buy 4-5 new pairs of slacks is too much for anyone to take on and that’s not your fault.

  • Your Excess Weight Keeps Your Warm So You Don’t Have to Buy a Fur Coat and Kill Endangered Animals

Think of all the fox, geese and other animals you are saving this winter by simply gaining 45 pounds and letting your fat insulate you. Honestly, PETA should start doing joint marketing with fast food restaurants because this is a legitimately good excuse.

  • You’re Spiritually Stuck in the 1800s and Being Fat Means You’re Hot

Until the 1900s, being fat as a woman was a symbol of beauty and fertility.  For men, weight meant power and that you’re rich enough to afford food. It’s not your fault that you are stuck in in one of your past lives (these are real, just a scientific fact) and this is what your beauty standards are.

This used to be what a hot person looked like. Modern beauty standards are sooo toxic

Resolution: Exercise More

Exercising stinks. There’s no way around it. Don’t feel bad about getting 400 steps a day with these foolproof excuses.

Excuses to Stop Working Out

  • You Don’t Want to Peak Too Soon

This is an excuse you can use all year round. The beauty of this is you never have to specify when the ideal time to be in shape is. As long as you keep it vaguely in the future, you can never truly fail.

  • You Don’t Have Health Insurance and Can’t Afford to Get Hurt

This really only works if you cancel your health insurance, which is just a smart thing to do anyways because hospitals are scams. This is also why I am vehemently against universal healthcare and hate Europe.

  • You Don’t Want to Fall in Love with a Hot Trainer

This works for those who are single or in a committed relationship. For the sad sacks without love in their life, everyone knows that hot trainers are the worst people alive and dating one of them could ruin your emotionally forever. For people that believe in the myth of monogamy, the safest way to stay faithful is to just never leave the house.  Everybody wins.

Resolution: Cook at Home More

Sure, cooking at home is ‘healthier’ and ‘more affordable’ than getting delivery for every single meal. But guess what? It is also a massive pain in the ass and basically turns your life into a nonstop session of doing the dishes, which sucks.

Excuses to Eat Out For Every Meal

  • Egg Prices Are Insane Right Now

A simple fact of life is that eggs are used in literally every single thing you could possibly cook at home (scrambled eggs, chicken cutlets, egg drop soup, Eggo Waffles, etc.) Another fact is that eggs are very expensive right now. If the point of cooking at home is to save money, then that no longer makes a lick of sense in my book.

  • Gas Ovens are Deadly

Apparently, Hunter Biden’s dad just released some study that basically says if you use gas ovens you’ll die or something. I don’t’ really know I just saw a few tweets about it. I genuinely could not tell you if my oven is gas or the other kind of oven, but that won’t stop me from using this as an excuse to order Seamless every night.

  • The Guy at the Deli  Just Learned Your Name and You Think You’re Becoming a Regular Soon

I mean this is simply too significant of an achievement to squander by making a turkey and mayo at home.  

This guy just started calling me boss and you want me to cook at home?

Resolution: Save More Money

Money is the root of all evil. And I’m not just saying that because I don’t have any money.  

Excuses to Spend All Your Money

  • You’re Stimulating the Economy to Help America Remain a Global Superpower

I bet the communists and socialists would loveeee if I started saving my money wouldn’t they? I don’t care how many times I have to declare personal bankruptcy. As long as my children get to live in a world where America worships capitalism, it’ll all be worth it.  

  • You’re Using a Credit Card and Getting a Ton of Points so It’s Actually Better

Hmmm should I save my money or get 4x on Travel and points to redeem at Applebees? I still don’t really get how credit card points end up being worth it (I have to spend $300 to get like $20 off a flight?) but I’m just trusting that it makes sense and so should you.

  • The World Will End Soon Anyways and Your Credit Score Won’t Matter

You can’t take it with you.

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