We Interview a Paranormal Investigator who Stops Ghosters
Editor’s Note: Today’s column comes from our guest writer, Laura “The Meme Queen” Mayfield. and is the latest installment in the parody series “Smart People, Stupidly High Salaries.” Check out her previous post, Day in the LIfe of a Tik Tok Life Coach.
Anna Tiffouni always knew she was different. Anna explained, “I would always help my friends find things that were lost on the playground, or conduct seances for pets that had passed away. I knew I would never end up working a typical 9-5 job. I mean, I do work as a receptionist, but once my case count goes up, I’m definitely quitting.” Anna works 8 hours as a receptionist for a large corn manufacturer. She starts work on her real passion once the cornfields are brimming with shadows and mystery-usually around 10pm central standard time in the summer, 6pm in the winter.
Anna is a certified chaotic magic solitary, Glenda-the-good-witch adjacent fashionista, and has now memorized most of the tarot cards in her Spoopy Tarot deck. Tiffouni was inspired to investigate ghostings after her boyfriend of 3 months stopped texting her and didn’t even show up for their weekly Arby’s and Chill date.
In desperation to do something with her newly wide-open Friday night, she checked with WIki Magic and performed a spell using a potato battery and her Google Pixel phone. Through the powerful spell, Anna found out that her now ex-boyfriend Shawn Randy, ghosted her because he started dating someone from the Arby’s. She also happened to see them together a lot at the local bar. After her magical revelation, Miss Tiffouni thought maybe other ghosted victims could benefit from a magical working as well
“You can find a lot of lonely people at the craft store, usually in the googly eye section.”
When we first met Anna, she was working in the hay pile at her family’s barn, with her laptop and a flameless candle. Because of the fire danger, Anna only uses the barn for client networking and communication, and not for her spell work. Anna was wearing what could only be described as ‘farmhand goth’, with black overalls, a vape pen permanently wedged in the side of her mouth, and a straw bucket hat.
The main way that Miss Triffouni networks is by using the chat function on the craft website Michael’s and chatting with people on the Deux Moi message boards. Once someone says they have been ghosted, she finds out if they live near the Des Moines area. They usually don’t. But for those who do, she is willing to drive at least 100 miles away to perform the technological rituals personally.
As Anna explains, “It’s not just about revenge, it’s about breaking the cycle of a ghoster. A ‘ghoster’ will often “haunt” its victim by repeating the same pattern over and over again. The most common way they do that is by going no contact for weeks or months. Later the ghoster texts their victim on a holiday like the 4th of July, by saying something like, ‘these fireworks are reminding me of our explosive relationship, I miss you.’ “This is a trap. Do not fall for their holiday trickery,” Anna warns.
“I like to say every day is Halloween at my job because I’m working against people worse than Freddy Kreuger.”
Anna’s paranormal business didn’t have a lot of start-up costs. She uses her Google Pixel phone if she can’t use her client’s phone directly. This is because Android allows for more spell customization, and Steve Jobs famously hated Wicca. She researches free spells online and gets any extra supplies from the Dollar General. Besides hexing the ghoster,Anna also offers protection and banishment spells for her clients. This ranges from saging their phone, drawing a protective pentagram around their laptop, or even hexing their printer. ” When asked why someone would want to curse a device they own, Anna said, “printers are inherently evil, so they deserve it.
Performing the Ritual
We follow Anna to the local Wendy’s parking lot to see her perform her first spell against a ghoster for the night. Anna believes her spells gain more power due to the particularly dark energy emanating from the drive-through. After getting a talking to from the Wendy’s manager, we moved a little further away to the bushes nearby.
Anna uses her client’s phone to send an anti-ghosting text to the ghoster. She also lights a black candle. Soon after the candle is lit, we hear a windy gust, and the smell of fries permeates through the air. It could be the ghoster attempting to contact the victim one last time, or someone opened the double doors to Wendy’s.
As Anna described, the goal of the spell is twofold, one, to stop this from happening to the victim again, and two, stop the ghoster from creating more victims. Sometimes as a result of the spell, the ghoster will no longer be able to drunk text the victim again, be cursed with always telling the truth through text, or can no longer text people after 11pm.
Anna told us the financial aspect of her business is the most difficult part of having a start-up. As she explained, “Sometimes getting a client to pay me is more difficult than performing a spell. I have to perform multiple incantations and then beg them to Venmo me. The truth is, hexing someone who you went on a date with once isn’t quite as satisfying as most people hope. People don’t want to pay someone when they can’t always see the results of the spell.” To avoid this issue, in about half of Anna’s cases, she makes up an obit and tells her client that the ghoster is now an actual ghost, and died tragically before he could send a text to them stating “lol”.
* After publication Anna informed us that there was a typo, and she actually only makes $3 per case, a case fee she set, based on the cost of a soft potato taco meal from Taco Bell in 2015.