Work.Retire.Die.

Editor’s Note: Today’s column comes from our guest writer, Laura “The Meme Queen” Mayfield. and is the latest installment in the parody series “Smart People, Stupidly High Salaries.” Check out her previous post, How to Never Get Fired.

Sonya Sweets has been a TikTok-certified life coach for 19 months. In that time, she has counseled children of heads of state, disgraced former sports mascots, and Victoria Beckham’s eyebrow person. She spent a day with us to take us through her schedule, and share some of her patented goal-setting tips.

Set the Bar Low – and then set it lower than that

Sonya got her life coaching certification from the vigorous London-based School of Business program, SHAT, Stressed Humans are Terrible. The program cost $50,000 and lasted for an intense 7-day session over Zoom. SHAT taught the coaches how to set achievable goals for their clients, even if the coaches themselves were previously certified as a MESS (mad excitable sassy sinner). Sonya now lives in Boston doling out superior advice in a fake British accent to her TikTok followers from her inherited townhouse.

 “A lot of people like to set big goals, and I tell them not to bother. The only way most slobs can accomplish a goal is by setting the bar extremely low”, explained Sonya. Sonya begins her day by waking up at a leisurely 11 am. Her first coaching session is at 1 pm, so she needs to prepare by researching her client’s life and “wish list”, the various ways they want to improve in the upcoming year. She also goes through her DMS to vet new clients.

 “Most of these wishes are ridiculous,” Sonya says while scrolling. Sonya points out a particular offender, “Like this one DM, I got from the freshman congressman Ryan O’Dowel. He wants help to become the Speaker of the House. Like maybe try to get on a couple of congressional committees first, dude. If he would just commit to getting on the National Security Committee or something like that, it would be a bit more realistic,” Sonya explained while snapping her gum.

Buy expensive products that you are definitely going to use to reach your goal

Sonya offers her clients a 30-minute session and 1 page PDF of SAG (Sonya Assigned Goals), for the low price of $555. She also sends them a sponsored list of products to buy that will help them in their journey. One of Sonya’s favorite items is protein powder. “I always tell my clients to buy protein powder, Sonya says, regardless of whether or not they are working out. Just the act of eating protein powder is going to make you feel stronger, safer, and more superior than everyone you know.”

Even if the products lay around collecting dust, that can be helpful, because it kick-starts you into a “shame spiral”. Sonya says that entering into a “shame spiral” is a good thing. According to SHAT, if you feel ashamed, then you will be motivated to work really hard for about a week. Working at such high intensity is not sustainable though, so eventually, you collapse into depression again, creating a cycle of shame. “Working hard is super tiring, so having little breaks of depression where you have an excuse not to leave your bed for a week can be like a little treat,” says Sonya. Our reporter would like to note that Sonya is not a licensed therapist, despite the large “crying specialist” button that she often wears.

Get worse, but in a different way than before

At 1 pm, Sonya has her first session of the day. We were not allowed in the room due to TikTok- patient confidentiality laws, but we were allowed to stand on the other side of the door with a glass due to “fair-snooping” journalism laws that we learned about from reading the children’s classic, Harriet the Spy.

From what we could hear through the Mason jar, both Sonya and the clients were crying, and then Sonya played the song, Mo’ Bounce by Iggy Azalea as a “hype up” song. The session was cut short because Congressman O’Dowel had to go vote down a bill in Congress. After the session ended, we were allowed back into Sonya’s office/bedroom, which was filled with plants, inspirational posters of Amelia Earhart, and what looked to be a giant piece of meteorite. Sonya was visibly drained by her work and explained that she had to take a 2-hour power nap before finishing up the rest of her work day.

Always have WWTD in the back of your mind – what would Taylor do?

After Sonya wakes up from her nap, she dresses up in a “Dark Academia” outfit and goes to Back Bay Boston to network. This mainly consists of hanging around inside Sweetgreen and listening for people crying in the bathroom. “There are a lot of sad people in Sweetgreen that make bad life decisions, starting with going to Sweetgreen in the first place. A client who has disposable income, but spends it all on an overpriced salad is the ideal client for me,” Sonya explained.

For all the sad girls, Sonya has patented advice: WWTD, What Would Taylor Do? “Taylor took being mentally unwell and dating bad British guys, and turned into a brand,” Sonya explained. She is an example that no matter how petty you are, you can still be considered a successful human by using your pettiness to write relatable song lyrics and sell millions of concert tickets to resellers.

If all else fails, cut your hair.

Sonya has a fail-proof resolution solution that millions of women have known for decades: whether you’ve done all you can, or just the bare minimum, cutting your hair will change everything. After listening to Mo’ Bounce did not help Congressman O’Dowel get enough confidence to gain traction, Sonya suggested the Congressman get bangs. At the time of this writing, Congressman O’Dowel has been added to not only the National Security Council but also to the “after-work smoothie” group chat started by some of the more popular members of Congress. 

It’s been a busy day, and we leave Sonya to sleep and recharge for her busy week ahead. Her inspiring story serves as a lesson that no matter how incompetent, lazy, or unmotivated you are, you can achieve your goals as long as you are rich enough to pay a life coach for help.

Don’t Miss :

• Tall, yellow, and dangerous- one woman’s true life story after dating Big Bird and surviving.

• This man lives out of a trash can for only $1000 a month – the surprising life hacks you can learn from watching Sesame Street.

• Is my roommate annoying, or he is just a puppet who loves baths- tips for dealing with roommates who are so annoying they seem unreal.