This is life now. Cope with us.

Official Office Buzzword Tiers

For some reason, in the office, we simply refuse to speak like actual human beings to each other. Is it avoid conflict? To make ourselves feel more important than we are? Or because we are just bored and playing business until the apocalypse happens? I don’t know.

The point is, corporate-speak is a language all of its own and it would take a Harvard linguist professor many lifetimes to master. Luckily for you, I am a genius and have already figured it all out. Because I am one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, I will be sharing my knowledge, free of charge.

Official Office Buzzword Tiers

Fun and Whimsical:

Sure, they don’t make sense but

Back of the Napkin Math: a way of saying you made up all these numbers while feeling like JK Rowling writing the first draft of Harry Potter.

Kudos to You: Is Kudos a real word or did we make it up for the office? I’ve literally never heard it outside of a LinkedIn suggested response to someone getting a promotion.

Lunch and Learn: Sure, we’re taking your lunch break so our HR team can spend 45 minutes telling you that our company’s core values are Diversity, Integrity, Inclusion, and Innovation but at least we have a cute little branding mission behind it

Throw Some Time on the Cal:  setting up a meeting has never sounded more fun and active

Sweat Equity: a really exciting way to feel like you didn’t waste your time on something that paid you absolutely nothing

People who say Kudos to You! in real life

Nice Way to Say a Bad Thing:

God forbid anyone get to the point in Corporate America. These are some fun ways to dance around a conflict or issue.

Rightsizing: We are laying off 10% of our staff so we can afford bonuses for management AND so we can get to the right (smaller) company size.

Please Advise: You fucked up and aren’t answering me, please explain yourself.

Per My Last Email: AS I ALREADY SAID

Apologies if I Was Unclear: I didn’t realize I was speaking to a moron

How Can We Avoid This in the Future: can you stop fucking up and ruining my afternoon please?

We can’t use downsizing anymore because this movie was just way too good

Sounds More Important Than It Is:

Pretty much every single buzzword but these are particularly bad offenders.

Deliverable – homework for adults

Initiative – are we trying to end hunger or updating our website?

Bandwidth – yes, because humans are machines.

Optimize – one of my favorite Transformers

Ideate – I’m not confident this is an actual word. What if we just said like ‘think’ or ‘brainstorm’?

It’s Not the Military, Guys

Please stop pretending that aligning on a Q4 strategy is a life or death situation.

Mission Critical – we’re launching a new line of flavored potato chips, not landing on Mars

Run Up the Chain of Command – just admit you have to ask your boss to even go to the bathroom, you little boy

In the Trenches – in Excel figuring out how to index match

Boots on the Ground – using up this quarter’s T&A budget to rack up Hilton points and Delta miles at your Omaha location where your mistress coincidentally lives

Suicide Pill –you’re right, guy who went to Wharton because his dad donated the library, mergers and acquisitions are definitely as important as captured military spies.

Same exact thing as figuring out the 2023 budget

Is This a Riddle?

Literally, what are you talking about?

Open the Kimono – the horniest business term hands down

Soup to Nuts – sorry, you want me to put my testicles WHERE???

Don’t Boil the Ocean! – I definitely wasn’t planning on this, not sure why you needed to tell me not to do this.

In the Red – ok red is bad and we DON’T want that. This one I sort of get

Into the Weeds – I draw the line at doing yardwork, I’m sorry.

Means Something Different in the Real World:

Can we just start making up words instead of using real words? It gets very confusing.  

Hard Stop: Are you slamming on the brakes because you were texting and driving and didn’t see the pedestrian in the street or do you have a meeting right after this one?

Deck: Sorry, you want me to deliver you an entire back porch by the end of the week? I’m not sure that’s doable.

Piggyback: I have a scoliosis, I’d really rather that you didn’t piggyback off me

Pain Point:  do you mean my clicky ankle that swells when it rains or an issue with a contract?

Takeaway: Sorry I took all the sandwiches home, when you said this meeting had takeaways, I thought you meant the food was to-go (this is a joke for Europeans, one of my top 7 continents)

Can I piggyback off your point while I piggyback on our coworker?

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