Work.Retire.Die.

As we approach May and some weather with a 7 in front of it, that means 1 thing: day drinking. Our guest columnist Jag Mehoff previously covered day drinking and all its glory, but I’m going to touch on something that can be a bit daunting to even the most seasoned of partiers: rallying. This post is for what I like to call “The In-Between.” It’s that lull from 6 – 9 pm, when day drinking has ended and it’s time to recuperate and recharge before pre-gaming for the night’s festivities.

Quick disclaimer before we get started: going out at night after drinking all day WILL lead to an incredibly sloppy night. You will probably lose your wallet and FaceTime your ex-girlfriend 8 times at 4 am after you get kicked out of the bar for telling the bartender he looks like an ugly Steve Bouscemi. That’s ok pal – happens to the best of us. Just want to warn you going in.

Pro-Tip #1: Don’t Stop Drinking

This is by far THE most important part of the rally. If you sober up for one second, all hope is lost. 1) You’re going to get hungover, which like obviously sucks. I shouldn’t have to tell you hangovers suck. 2) In order to go out, you’re going to have to get drunk all over again when you’re hungover. That’s disgusting. Fuckkkkk that.

So yes, you’ll need to keep drinking. However, your goal should be to maintain your current level of drunk. If you go too hard now, you’ll be asleep by 10 and will really annoy everyone you’re with. I’d strongly recommend sticking with beer during this lull, ideally 1-2 beers an hour. Just to keep a little oil in the engine. Save the liquor for the turn-up at around 10 pm.

Pro-Tip #2: Fuel Your Body

The biggest mistake people make during the in-between is around eating. Some idiots will gorge themselves and eat like a 3 course meal. They either pass out or are too full to continue drinking. Fools. Some eat nothing at all, because they forget or they’re just not hungry. They end up puking or getting so black out they’re throwing trash cans off the fire escape. We can’t have that.

You need to eat something, but keep it light. Maybe a quick burger. Maybe 2 slices of pizza. Heck, even a dozen wings from your local 7/11 will do. You will be peeing out of your butt tomorrow, but you take the good with the bad. Point is, get something in the stomach, even if you’re not hungry. You’ll soak up a little booze and your body needs carb for energy you jackass.

Oh also drink water a lot too. Apparently hydration is super important. Fun fact- 71% of your heart is composed of water AND 71% of the Earth is covered by water. Whoaaaaa. Brain explosion. So like, that means our hearts are the Earth? Maybe we should treat the planet a little better. I know Al Gore’s kinda a pathetic loser but we should listen to him guys.

Pro-Tip #3: Get Some Rest

Notice I said ‘get some rest’ and not ‘get some sleep.’ Sleep is your enemy here. Once you close those eyes after a day of boozing, they’re not opening up until 1 am, when you wake up bewildered and alone in a trashed apartment, sweating out the 19 Bud Lights you had during the day. If you want to knock out a quick power nap and snag some REM cycles, be my guest. Just know that you’re playing with fire

No, this time is for resting and kicking back. There’s nothing more annoying than the guy who won’t chill the fuck out during the in-between time or who wants to talk nonstop. No dude. This is when we sip and sit. Watch a movie that’s on like TBS or TNT. You want something that you’ve seen before, makes you feel warm inside, and you don’t need to follow along with that closely. My personal favorite for this is Hitch, but Coach Carter, Wedding Crashers or Superbad will do in a pinch.

The point is, this is the time to gather your energy for the night ahead while maintaining your buzz. It’s an art form. Also unless you’re like Snoop Dogg level of smoker, don’t indulge in the weeds. You’re not making it out after that.

Pro-Tip #4: Get the Blood Flowing

After you’ve been chilling for a while and gotten your rest, it’s time for a change of pace. Move around. Go outside and make a 7/11 run. Take a shower. Play a drinking game to get the juices flowing. You can’t just sit around all day scrolling through Instagram in a dark apartment. You’ll die. If you have some dumbbells lying around or like a pull-up bar, now is a great time to get a quick little workout in. When I say quick, I mean it. Like 2 minutes quick. Maybe just do a push up or have your friend slap you in the face.

You need to think of you body as a high-powered Porsche (FYI for my poor friends, this is a car that cool rich guys drive) You’re a machine meant for the open road, weaving through cars at 120 MPH and throwing a middle finger to the cops and society as a whole. For the past few hours, you’ve been driving through a suburban neighborhood, chugging along in 1st gear. Now, you’re preparing to get onto the highway. Kick that boy into 2nd or 3rd gear but don’t go nuts. Save the 4th – 7th gears for when you hit the town.

**Disclaimer – I have no idea how to drive a stick shift so take that analogy with a grain of salt.***

Pro-Tip #5: Artificial Energy

All of the previous 4 Pro-Tips are obviously helpful, but eventually you’re going to need some energy the good old fashioned way – from an unhealthy substance. The obvious choice here is caffeine. I have been team coffee since the day I can remember. I usually prefer hot during the week, but when I’m rallying, a nice tall can of Starbucks double shot espresso will do the trick. Gets my heart all pounding and my brain all working and shit. Red Bull is a good back-up, especially because you can mix it with some liquor. You get energy and you get drunk at the same time. Win win. For the real psychopaths out there, try a Red Bull Jameson, or as we call it in the biz, RBJs. This is more of a pregame drink since the bartender will look at you with horror when you order it at bar. But hey, all’s fair in love and war.

Now if you want to ingest other forms of energy that are illegal or a prescription, congrats on being a loser. We don’t do drugs, we do smelling salts. Yes you heard me correctly. Smelling salts are those little white pouches of ammonia that you see NFL players and boxers sniff on the sidelines or in between rounds. I started using these during rugby games and they wake you the heck up. Jury’s out on if these are healthy or not but we don’t worry about dumb stuff like long term side effects here. Quick note though- please don’t pretend like this is a pouch of dip and put it in your mouth to impress your friends. Yes it will be hilarious but you’ll be tasting ammonia all night long. Not great.

The most important thing with artificial energy is to time this right. You want to be like a marathon runner, peaking physically at the right time. I’d recommend around 30-45 minutes before you go out but that’s just me. I’m a bit of a nut : )

Looking back, all these tips are really bad for you but that’s why we have health insurance. Enjoy the weekend.