Work.Retire.Die.

*Editor’s Note: After enlightening us on the desperate need for bullet trains in America, our beloved guest columnist 720 Dave returns with some information you may actually find useful this time- a guide to all the secret menu options that greedy Big Fast Food doesn’t want you to know. Because he eats more fast food than any even marginally healthy person should, this will be Part 1 of many, as our Guy Fieri of the $6 meal works his way across the fast food lexicon.  

720 Dave’s Fast Food “Secret” Menu: Part 1 (working title)

Fast food is a human achievement comparable to the car, airplane, TV Guide button on the remote and Google on your phone. This independent clause is the only time I will acknowledge that it’s not very good for you, because the goal of this article is to enlighten your soul with a world of options you never knew existed at your local corporate watering hole.

Fast food menus are a fickle beast. Chipotle shoots it to you straight, Taco Bell’s menu is like the Bayeux Tapestry, and McDonald’s can’t really figure out what they’re doing these days with all those bullshit TV monitors.

Now, a typical fat ass like you knows how to navigate most of these menus by now, but a professional fat ass like me is up to date on the latest Ins-N-Outs of the industry—boom, fast food pun. I had a thriving Instagram page sponsored by Yum! Brands before I walked away from it all at the height of my game. The fame and success chased me down a pit of despair to a point where I couldn’t even recognize myself anymore, but I’m back and you can call me 720 Cage cause I stole the Declaration of Indigestion and want share the hidden treasure with you. I give you:

720 *Cage’s Fast Food “Secret” Menu: Part 1 (final title)

McDonald’s

Ahh—the ever-popular McDonald’s. Created by the bright-eyed and bushy tailed McDonalds brothers, the idea was quickly stolen out from underneath them by a crocodile man named Raymond who believed he could take it nationwide. Ray the croc succeeded, and the world owes him a debt of gratitude for bringing the fast food empire with the most extensive “secret” menu to your backyard. Let’s begin.

McMissionaryPosition

Everybody knows the McGangBang—it’s a sandwich, and a word, invented by 13-year old’s, and I’ve never ordered one cause it is an insult to this fine establishment and it grosses me out (too much bread and I don’t fuck with mayo). Instead, I would like to introduce to you this less crude and more accurately titled mashup, which I’m sure is delicious but can’t actually say for sure because I just made it up. What I can say is that it combines McDonald’s new Classic Chicken Sandwich (their decent attempt at a Chic-Fil-A sandwich) with the addition of a delicious “signature sauce” (pro tip: they have it in nugget sauce packet form—put that shit on everything), and the fan favorite McDouble. Toss out that McDouble’s Top bun and slap that Classic Cockwich up top there for the McMissionaryPosition.

Double Oreo McFlurry

When the machine is working, they typically rob you on the Oreo and leave a sea of plain vanilla ice cream at the bottom. Ask for double Oreo, layered, and for an extra 79₵ you get consistent bliss throughout.

BBQ Bacon Anything

With new signature sandwiches come new signature sauces, and now that you can see inside the matrix of fast food menus you can utilize these sauces however you’d like. Before the Bacon McDouble and the “add bacon to anything for 99₵” robbery, you could toss bacon on any sandwich you wanted free of charge. They never advertised it, but I’ve been doing this for a while—that’s why I’m writing the article and making the big bucks. Regardless—order any sandwich with bacon and either have the burger artisans in the kitchen add the sauce or grab a packet and add it yourself. BBQ Bacon Anything is good.

Crispy BBQ/Ranch/any sauce really Chicken Snack Wrap

This was another epiphany I had just now after writing that lazy “put common condiments on anything” secret menu item and let me tell you—I am pretty excited about this one. It’s been a long two years since the death of the McDonald’s Snack Wrap, and honestly guys, I haven’t been handling it well. The crispy chicken with shredded cheese and lettuce resting safely within a flour tortilla was the perfect little snack to round out any order, but in the end—McDonald’s just couldn’t think outside the bun. Until they started serving breakfast 24/7, that is. The next time you walk into McDonald’s and you’re one of the only customers in sight (including the drive thru), then give this a try: Well first, try just ordering the Snack Wrap—they might just remember what it is and may even still have the button for it. What you will most likely have to do, however, is the following: Order the Classic Chicken Sandwich mentioned above—Patty only (no sauce, pickles or bun), sub Wrap (from the only available wrap on the menu anymore: the breakfast burrito) add Shredded Cheese (from their salads) add Shredded Lettuce (optional) add whatever sauce you want. Tada motherfuckers.

Poor Mac

One time I was in line at McDonald’s and the guy in front of me ordered a Big Mac…with no middle bun. I was floored. So rarely do you get to witness pure unadulterated genius out in the wild. But I did him one better—the Poor Mac. A Big Mac without the middle bun still costs $4, and you’re getting less food. Instead, simply order a McDouble and ask them to add Mac Sauce. I order one of these almost every time I go to McDonald’s and still feel like I’m robbing them blind.

Little Caesar’s Pizza?

This other time I was in line at McDonald’s, a man walked up to the counter to pick up his order and the employee literally handed him a box of Little Caesar’s Pizza. This is less of a secret menu item and more of just a jaw dropping story that leaves us with far more questions than answers, but if you’re bold enough then go ahead and try ordering it and report back to me please.

Chick-fil-A

Don’t get too excited—while there isn’t much of a “secret” menu here, most people are completely unaware that Chick-fil-A serves a mean:

Chicken Noodle Soup

That’s right—whether you’re feeling ill, or feeling illlll dude, this soup (with the optional but highly recommended addition of Saltine Crackers) is a quick and delicious way to satisfy that soup craving you sometimes get (or always if you’re like me lmaoooo amirite?)

Burger King

Haha I’m kidding. If you genuinely enjoy Burger King kindly close this tab and never come back—we don’t want you as a reader. Sure, Chicken Fries were a revolution and the Mac n’ Cheetos a couple years ago were delicious, but everything else buys you a one-way ticket to Flush Factory. Just go to McDonald’s you scrub, I literally just gave you like six new options to try out.

 KFC and Taco Bell

The Yum! Brands kings. These guys are here for your respect and admiration. Their secret menu is no secret—it’s the groundbreaking innovations like the KFC Double-down, the Crunchwrap Supreme, and their own exclusive Mountain Dew offering (Baja Blast, duh) that makes these guys pioneers in the “have it your way” dining scene. They put in all the work so that I don’t have to—going boldly where no other fast food chains dare . I won’t leave you with nothing though—the Chicken Pot Pie at KFC is a winner, and I’ve heard that putting Taco Bell’s Nacho Fries in other menu items can be quite an adventure.

Well, that’s it for now dedicated readers. I know there are several more locations and items I have not touched upon yet, but you’ll just have to wait for Part II. Bone apple tea!