Work.Retire.Die.

New York City is a weird place and there is honestly a ton of crime and shit. That scares many people but not me because I’m brave and courageous. However, there are many people that don’t feel safe, and keep a head on a swivel whenever they leave the house, because you never know when crime can strike. Well, to these people, I have the solution- The Citizen App.

Basically, this app alerts you whenever a crime is happening around you. It’s a combination of police scanner and crimes reported by citizens like you and me. That’s why it’s called Citizen if you are stupid. For the complete monsters out there, you can also film a crime while it is happening. For the psycopaths among us, you can watch that crime happen on the app. But who am I to judge.

Whenever a crime is happening near you, you get an alert from the app. Apparently, this app used to be called “Vigilante” and people would use it to fight the crimes by themselves, but they got in trouble with iTunes and changed the name (aka Batman got pissed people were stealing his thunder and made a big stink.) Now it’s just so you can stay informed and safe.

The issue here is that normal people are reporting these incidents, so basically 1 out of every 10 updates is an actual crime. Generally, they fall into the following 4 categories

1. We Need Answers – the one sentence blurb on this crime creates more questions than answers.

2. Helpful Info but not a Crime – thanks for the update Citizen gang but let’s keep this to actual crimes.

3. Why do we need to know this? – like who posts this?

4. Bizarre But Delightful- these are why I keep coming back.

So, long story short, this app has become my new Twitter. Endlessly entertaining and consuming. Below are some examples if you’re not sold. I’ll be posting weekly updates with some of the better “crimes” in this great city.

We Need Answers:

That’s it?? Just $1,000? You’d think if you went through the trouble of robbing a bank, you’d steal more than $1,000 right? I’ve seen Ocean’s Eleven and heists just seem like a huge headache. Whatever happened to making money the old fashioned way- going to college, getting a job, hating it and writing a WordPress.com blog about it that a few people read. Grow up.

Also, if you are anywhere near Avenue D, watch out for the knife wielding man in the hallway. It doesn’t specify which hallway or which building so I’d just keep your head on a swivel.

A lot of questions here. These children she’s looking for – are they existing children that she has in mind or will any child do? Did she misplace a few children and she’s just looking for them? Also, how do we know she’s looking for children? If she’s vocalizing that, then that’s definitely suspicious. Or are we just assuming that she’s looking for children? That’s sexist bub. Not everyone woman wants to steal children.

Maybe this poor woman just wants children of her own. She’s been so focused on her career that she’s never had time for a relationship and now she’s getting into her late 30s and realizes she forgot about the most important thing…a family. Maybe she wants to settle down with a nice man, pop out a few babies and move to Connecticut. Why not go around random lobbies in New York, asking if anyone would like to reproduce? This doesn’t feel like a crime.

I like to imagine these two as star-crossed lovers, running around the city trashing CVS’ like a modern day Bonnie and Clyde. I hope they find what they’re looking for after all this.

Helpful Information but Not Crimes:

Would definitely be more helpful if they shared whether or not she was hot. Regardless, I am now in a full sprint towards 14 St- Union Sq. You win Citizen App.

Has he done anything wrong or are we just assuming this raccoon is vicious? Honestly, raccoons get discriminated against enough- this is over the line. But if this is truly a vicious raccoon, then that’s a genuinely terrifying situation. You won’t catch me anywhere close to 4711 Fort Hamilton Pkwy

Exposing himself as what?? A LIAR and a CHEAT?? Fuck you Jason! That’s what you get for breaking my heart.

Why Do We Need to Know This:

This sucks but if it’s not my landlord, I honestly don’t care. I’m sorry.

If this is a crime, then lock me up. Let the woman lay down. Maybe she’s peaceful protesting. Maybe she’s napping. Don’t need to update me on this on Citizen App.

Glad we called the fire department on this one.

Bizarre But A Delight: 

I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I didn’t know you could get sick off ice cream fumes. Didn’t even know ice cream had fumes. Now that I know, I will steer clear of 31 Union Square W and any and all Cold Stone Creameries. Or at least hold my breath while I’m in there. Don’t think I can resist the Love It size Birthday Cake Remix 😉

I wonder what lie this guy told. You shouldn’t lie but I hope he’s ok.

This is why we have the app