*Editor’s Note- if you’re new to the blog, this is the 4th installment of the ongoing bracket: The Best Songs to Hear While You’re Drunk. If you have no idea what’s going on, check out the original posts, starting at the Round of 64 , moving through to the Sweet 16 and the Final Four. Today, we announce the winner. God bless.
You thought I forgot about this didn’t you, loyal readers. Yes, I know, it has been like over 2 weeks since the Final Four. I would say that I’m a busy guy with a full time job and probably like a thousand friends begging to hang out with me, but that’d be an excuse. Heavy lies the crown of the Content King and excuses don’t fly on this WordPress. So let’s just say that the Committee underwent an absolutely rigorous voting process that took some time. They listened to each song a minimum of 100 times and got drunk 6 separate times in order to practice. In an unprecedented move, we decided to open up the voting to the public. There’s no way to track how many people voted, but I am sure it’s in the 6 figures. That took time to analyze and comb through. Fans, thank you for contributing, but we didn’t listen to a word you said.
Then, to make matters worse, once a winner was finally decided on, late breaking news forced the committee to reverse their decision. Yes, many will say the committee members are fools and there will be cries for some individuals to step down. I won’t allow it. These members had the courage to stand up to morally repugnant behavior and say no. Not in our bracket. Not on Content King’s WordPress. So yes, this Final Four was marked by scandal the likes of which the Internet has never seen. If that scares you, feel free to leave the blog. Don’t want you anyways.
Without further ado, we present the results of the Best Songs to Hear While You’re Drunk Bracket….
….and offer our warmest congratulations to Avicii and his hit song Levels!!! I for one am ecstatic, as I’ve made out with almost 3 girls to this song, but I won’t make this about me. I’ll let Avicii have his moment.
How Did We Get Here:
The Final Four:
Look, The Outfield’s 1986 smash is in the Final Four for a reason. The original song of the summer, this little number kicks off with a guitar riff that’ll get you out of your seat and a hook that’s catchier than a cold. But, it’s just…missing something. And when you go head to head with the defending champ, you better bring your goddam A game. Tonight was not their night.
From the first tip, when “Now usually I don’t do this…” came through the speakers, it was clear that R. Kelly and crew were just on a different plane. It’s no accident that this song won last year’s tournament and it should surprise no one that there was once a petition to make this the national anthem. I’m not kidding. Almost 100,000 people signed that thing. It’s the perfect song, drunk or sober, and my heart starts pumping the second I hear it. Bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce. Mmmmm can’t get enough.
America’s heart broke into a million pieces as favorite son Jason DeRulo falls short to the undeniable genius of Avicii. “Riding Solo” played its heart out for the entire game, with Derulo’s signature twang reverberating through the microphone and into your heart time and time again. But the Derulo crew could not hang late into the fourth quarter, as Avicii’s heartbreaking work of staggering genius pulled away in the last 4 minutes.
And who could blame them? To quote my good friend Wikipedia: “Many fans and critics consider “Levels” to be Avicii’s greatest song and one of the greatest EDM songs of all time, mostly due to its chart success and the recognisable synth riff.” I don’t know what that last part means, but I think it’s referring to the catchy beat that I haven’t been able to get out of my head since freshman year of college. It’s not an exaggeration to say that this song literally put the EDM genre on the map, and defined the partying experience for everyone under 30 years old. Sorry Jason, maybe you should stick to country.
(Yes, that is a video of Jason Derulo performing with Luke Bryan at the CMT Awards, for which he won a coveted CMT Performance Award. The man has range.)
The voting had ended and the committee had spoken. Ignition had defended its title and was the first back to back drunk song champion. The committee members were pleased; happy the contest was finally over and teetering on the cusp of golden zone and blackout, they felt the contentment of a job well done and excitement for the night ahead. That is, until they looked R. Kelly up on Wikipedia, and after learning he was once a professional basketball player (cool) soon discovered that he was also like a really bad dude (not cool.)
I’m not going to get into the details because this is a family friendly blog, but let’s just say that R. Kelly needs to wait until girls are 18 and keep his urine to himself. I won’t say that he should probably not be setting up cults full of teenage girls who are held in his house against their will. It would be insensitive to say that he should stop sleeping with sheriff’s wives, ending marriages, breaking up families and leading to expense lawsuits. That stuff doesn’t need to be said. I will say, that he should not be assaulting women, especially after the 15th time.
The committee was disgusted, and as as god-fearing men, just couldn’t allow that behavior to be associated with something as pure as the drunk songs bracket. Avicii was awarded the title, and Ignition’s banner from the 2015 tournament was taken down. That year’s runner-up, Shout is retroactively granted the 2015 title (they lost in the Elite 8 this year, but had a much tougher matchup against Ridin’ Solo. Still a respectable champion.) I hope this scandal ruins R. Kelly’s day and/or life and is the wake-up call that he needs.
And ya know what, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Levels is timeless. In this broken world, humanity needs a hero. Why not a 3 minute and 18 second song by a 28 year old Swedish DJ? I wouldn’t be surprised if Levels wins this competition for the next 1,000 years or until a new Internet is invented. Whichever comes first. Unless this yodelling Walmart kid keeps it up. That shit is fire.
PS- normally I’m all about the original version of songs, but I can’t get the version below out of my head and there are barely any no actual words in it. Haunting and brain changing.
Goodnight and god bless.