Best Invention Since Sliced Bread: National Champion

Well, here we are. After 4 grueling weeks of matchups, we finally answered the most important question ever asked – what is the best invention since sliced bread, according to 8 white males in their mid to late 20s who lack any level of scientific knowledge, nuanced understanding of the underlying factors that impact society, or real skills besides arguing confidently and stubbornly about things they don’t understand?

Before we reveal the winner, I want to thank all the loyal WRDies who followed along throughout the tournament and voted on Instagram stories. Let’s just say if I had a dollar for every person that voted, I would have $51,023. I could have just said that was the amount of people who voted but this makes me feel rich and like all this effort was actually worth it, which it almost certainly was not. I would also like to thank the handful of followers who berated me privately in DM and took it upon themselves to let me know how dumb and most likely sexually inept I was. It did not affect me at all. I am completely fine and have gotten several good night’s of sleep since then. You are the one arguing with a meme account run by a man who has since moved on emotionally and professionally.

Anyways, stay tuned for more brackets as we continue to try to fill the void left by the death of every single aspect of society. Comment below or email us at workretiredie@gmail.com if you have any categories you’d like to see. We probably won’t listen but what else do you have going on?

Without further ado, allow me to introduce the Best Invention Since Sliced Bread….THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Led to the invention of this future piece of merch.

This Internet squad was absolutely loaded up and down their entire roster and was never truly challenged in this tournament. Frankly, the bracket was fun, but there may not have even been a point in doing it – we all knew it would be Internet from Day 1. They will go down as one of the greatest teams in tournament history, joining the 1972 UCLA Bruins, the 2012 Kentucky Wildcats, and 2018 Levels by Avicii, winner of Best Song to Hear While You’re Drunk.

As a tribute to our champions, we’ve created a list of the 64 Best Things about the Internet. This is in particular order and will in no way lead to another bracket.

Before you read that, let’s talk about what happened in the Final Four. If you’re new to blog, go check out the weekly recaps here.

full tournament results:

final four results:

In our first matchup, top ranked Internet comes out of the Concepts region and takes down #2 seed Computers in the biggest test they’ve had all season. Computers battled for a full 40 minutes, using their experience and solid fundamentals to absorb blows and keep pace with Internet’s high speed and seamlessly connected style of play. Ultimately, Internet pulled away after it became clear that while Internet wouldn’t exist without Computers, Computers would be honestly pretty lame without Internet and basically just Microsoft Word, Photobooth and like printing stuff.

On the other side of the bracket #6 Sunscreen continued their incredible run out of the Everyday Items region and knocked off #2 Video Games from the Cool Stuff region in a battle of the two whitest, malest teams in the region. Video Games was a favorite of experts throughout the tournament for the way they revolutionized entertainment, created a new sports league and allowed nerds to create fictional worlds in which they were actually good at sports or left the house. However, they would not take down a Sunscreen squad that stops cancer, allows you to access to Vitamin D, and led to the invention of Wendy Peppercorn.

The Sandlot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY
Nail in the coffin for video games

national championship

#6 Sunscreen vs. #1 Internet

Look – Sunscreen is great and I honestly have no idea how it works, which is one of the criteria for a good invention. But Internet was literally voted ONE OF THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD. Sunscreen is fine but just can’t compete with that, plus it kind of smells, can be hard to put on and can be replaced by mayonnaise.

Go pay homage to our champion and check out our Best 64 Things About the Internet tribute.

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