With the recent announcements that quarantine will be extended at least until June and likely longer, it’s time to accept that this will be our new reality. Unfortunately, many of you have crumbled under this realization and become shells of your former selves. I even saw one person go on LinkedIn live, which frankly, was hard to watch.
Thankfully, I’m the strongest person I know. I have remained stout and even thrived in this new world. How did I do it you ask? It was simple – I just followed Work Retire Die’s handy dandy Quarantine Tips, affectionately known as Quarantips, and became the the best person in the entire world without leaving the house once.
Work Retire Die’s Quarantips
1. Accept the fact that you have become a dog. You sleep a lot and at insane hours, your day centers around 2 gigantic meals, and leaving the house for a 7-minute walk is the highlight of your entire life. Embrace this and start walking around on all fours. Nothing matters anymore and also dogs are immune to coronavirus.
2. For those of you home with your parents, this is a great opportunity to spend quality time with them. Take advantage of it! Spend your afternoon showing them a meme and explaining that no, you didn’t make it, no, it’s not a picture of your friend and yes it’s supposed to be funny.
3. Watching the news with your parents and you see the stock market is down? Shake your fist at the TV and say stuff like ‘this market I tell ya!” They’ll think you’re investing in your 401k like you told them and not spending your entire paycheck on alcohol and delivery every weekend.
Grrr…damn you Wall Street!
4. Flatten the curve! Stomach curve that is! Do some sit-ups. Push your body to physical heights it has not reached since you played high school sports 10 years ago. When this fails, just try holding your breath or practice throwing up on command. This should have the same effect.
5. Pursuing a creative career? You’re in luck! Take advantage of all this free time to feel completely horrible about yourself for not writing King Lear or going viral on Twitter. Everyone is more talented, driven, and productive than you and you deserve to feel bad about it because you are a bad person who no one loves. Got it! Good.
6. Just a boring, dumb normal person? Not an excuse! Learn how to play the harp or juggle or something. At the very least, invest in a pottery wheel that you’ll lose interest in by the time it’s delivered to your house. If you are not learning a new skill that you’ll never use again, you are not doing quarantine right.
7. Before bed, make sure you spend at least 2 hours reading tweets and articles about how it’s going to get so much worse. You weren’t going to fall asleep anyways.