How Quarantining with My Boyfriend Has Changed the Relationship

*Editor’s Note – Our latest guest blogger, Jewish American Linzess, is currently quarantined by her boyfriend and his entire family. Here are her thoughts on inserting herself in their lives for the forseeable future.

Also – WE WANT TO HEAR YOUR QUARANTINE STORIES. If you’re interested in guest blogging, email us at workretiredie@gmail.com with an idea of a full blog and we’ll probably post since we have absolutely zero journalistic standards.

How Quarantining with My Boyfriend Has Changed the Relationship

I have enough self-awareness to admit that I am very needy girlfriend. I like to think it’s not annoying-needy, rather, cute-needy. And thinking that is my prerogative, so shut the hell up. I am super affectionate, LOVE to cuddle and hug, and I pretty much am always sending a stream of consciousness to my boyfriend through text, facetime, and about six different types of social media. Safe to say, I would be pretty miserable if I couldn’t see my boyfriend for a few months. (s/o to all the couples who can’t see each other, stay strong)

So lucky for me, I’m currently quarantining with him and his family. Now in the thick of week four, here are some things that have changed in our relationship, broken down by category.

SELF CARE/GROOMING:

Before Quarantine: Usually wore some form of makeup in front of him, i.e. coverup, mascara

After Quarantine: Fully barefaced most of the time, have begun sporting pimple patches and drying cream when necessary (anyone else getting horrible stress cystic acne? No? Just me? Cool)


Before Quarantine: Had my hair look at least presentable   

After Quarantine: Buns with a frizz crown have become the norm


Before Quarantine: Tried to look cute when seeing him      

After Quarantine: I alternate between two pairs of heather gray sweatpants, and three different tee shirts.


Before Quarantine: I never think he looks bad                     

After Quarantine: He still never looks bad what the fuck, why do guys look as hot or hotter in sweats and sweatshirts?

Life hack – there’s no need to shave legs or armpits. Just wear pants and keep your arms down.

FAMILY:

Before Quarantine: Was friendly with his parents    

After Quarantine: One time his mom asked me to take granola out of the oven after five minutes and I was in the kitchen on Instagram and forgot. It burned. She said it was ok but I can tell that there’s a simmering resentment that can never be undone.  


Before Quarantine: Had a nice rapport with his siblings

After Quarantine: We’re all way closer now but being locked up has inherently led to some passive aggressiveness when it comes to chores, hyper-competitiveness when it comes to games, and overt resentment when someone isn’t into the show you like.

Oh you don’t like Community? What exactly do you mean by that?

MAINTAINING THE SPARK:

Before Quarantine: Would send flirty texts

After Quarantine: Still do, but now he ignores them and shakes his head disappointedly while looking at me across the dinner table.


Before Quarantine: Never farted in front of him      

After Quarantine: One time I went to the kitchen to let out what I thought would be a silent, wispy-type fart. To my utter surprise, it ended up being a very loud, very long fart, that his entire family immediately heard.


Before Quarantine: Only pooped a few times over the course of our relationship in front of him 

After Quarantine: We know each other’s poop schedules to a tee, and I openly complain to him when I’m constipated.

Me after accidentally farting in front of his entire family

COMMUNICATION:

Before Quarantine: We’d joke about the future

After Quarantine: We’ve decided where we’ll live, how many kids we’ll have, and what size dog we’ll have (medium, ugh).


Before Quarantine: Would text, snap and gchat him all day

After Quarantine: Text, snap, and gchat him all day AND now I can also go into his room and bug him while he works. He loves when I sit on his lap while he’s slacking his coworkers.

My boyfriend hates personal space!!!

Don’t forget to email us your stories at workretiredie@gmail.com. Check out the rest of our guest columns here.

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