Work.Retire.Die.

*Editor’s Note: Today we have a post from our latest guest columnist, Lane Fox. He’s here to present the first in what will be a series of power rankings – WNBA Mascots. This is not a ranking of the players on the team, so please calm down Indian Fever fans. This is about a world where the teams take the shape of the mascots and battle each other. Don’t be jackasses. 

Please enjoy. And when you’re done, go check out some of our previous Power Rankings and Guest Columns if you know what’s good for you. 

Power Ranking the WNBA Mascots

If you’re anything like me, being too lazy to catch up on shows, not wanting to be confrontational with your roommates, and a crippling gambling addiction means sports is on TV every night. But don’t fret, what an exciting time of year it is for sports!

Let’s see: we have the ever unfolding drama of regular season baseball, approximately one of your friends talking about golf, and the Little League World Series just around the corner (any of these kids could be the next Jason Worth). If you caught a little World Cup fever, you can jump right back in with some MLS action! I recently turned on the TV to see the blue man group doing some weird sexual performance to introduce the World Series of Poker.

Seriously, all this fluff shit is making my head explode. I need football ASAP.

Luckily, one league is just absolutely tearing it up lately – the WNBA. Have you seen those girls twerk it out there? WNBA players make less than NBA refs, and I will tell you what: I won’t stand for it. The other day, I saw three straight made layups and an admittedly impressive mid-range jump shot. Cant wait for the playoff race to start heating up! Just playing ladies, Brittney Griner is more of a man than I’ll ever be.

In celebration of this strong and financially-independent league, we will begin our first segment of the Mascot Power Rankings. I have always imagined a world where these teams took shape of their mascot and played each other.

I’m sure everyone knows all the WNBA teams out there, but for you sexist weirdos that live in a hole, here is complete list:

Atlanta Dream

Chicago Sky

Connecticut Sun

Dallas Wings

Indiana Fever

Las Vegas Aces

Los Angeles Sparks

Minnesota Lynx

New York Liberty

Phoenix Mercury

Seattle Storm

Washington Mystics

If you’re like me and just completely skims over lists whenever you see them, here are all the logos. #visuallearner

Let’s get into it.

WNBA Mascot Power Ranking:

1. Connecticut Sun: There is nothing more powerful than the sun. Everybody knows that. We are talking about a 4 billion year old vet with the ability to catch fire from long range. Also, the Sun play at the hottest spot in CT – Mohegan Sun resort (your #1 destination for casino excitement and top entertainment, dining, premier shopping, luxury hotel, spa, pool and golf!)

2. New York Liberty: God bless America and God bless lady liberty. The power of freedom, self-determination, and latitude to openly share political views allow for such great ball movement and unselfish play between these ladies.

3. Phoenix Mercury: At first I wasn’t sure if they were talking about the planet or the toxic chemical in fish products, but I’m a glass half full guy so I’ll go with planet. This small but incredibly dense planet can range from -280 to 800 degrees Fahrenheit. You could say she’s a streaky shooter.

4. Washington Mystics: Compared to the wizards across town, mystics don’t really have same ability to harness the power of magic. I am not 100% sure what a mystic is, but I liken them to a gypsy-type figure who could very easily tell your future, steal your wallet outside of a nightclub in Europe, or put a hex on the other team before tip-off.

5. Minnesota Lynx: I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve smoked, watched Planet Earth 2, and been truly amazed by the existence of these wild snow cats. Look at that thing: agile, patient, stoic. A wondrous creature.

6. Atlanta Dream: Like Lynx, dreams can be extremely powerful too. I had a dream last night that Mexican gangs kidnapped one of my friends and I forget the rest but it totally wasn’t looking good for him. Really shook me.

7. Seattle Storm: Storms can be very scary, especially if you are my dog. They don’t really specify which type of storm we are talking about (tornado? wildfire? medium to high gusts of wind?). You know what doesn’t get scared by a storm? A lynx.

8. Chicago Sky: Rainbows, clouds, atmosphere, this one is hard to pin down. I guess the sky is important and fun to look at sometimes, but it doesn’t seem that intimidating.

9. Los Angeles Sparks: We’ve now entered the bottom feeders of WNBA mascots. But leading this hodgepodge are the Sparks. A spark alone is meaningless. However, every so often, sparks can rise to the occasion and create something called love.

10. Las Vegas Aces: Sure, it is nice to get an Ace when you are playing a card game, but useless on the court. On another note, why the fuck does Vegas have a WNBA team?

11. Dallas Wings: Lifeless appendices. Completely impractical without an attached bird, superhero, airplane, etc.

12. Indiana Fever: Getting a fever sucks. Getting sick is highly detrimental in one’s ability to do just about anything, let alone play basketball.

THE END

That’s all folks. Go check out some more Power Rankings from the past and other Guest Columns from our deep roster of writers nowhere near as talented as me.

Let me know what other power rankings you want to see – either through Instagram @workretiredie or by emailing me at workretiredie@gmail.com (I’ve literally never gotten an email to that address so that’d be pretty cool.) Or just text me at 1-877-KARS4KIDS.