Work.Retire.Die.

In case you missed it, in the past few months, we’ve covered the Citizen App and it’s ridiculousness (Part I , Part II and Part III can be found here.) For those too lazy to click a goddam link, this app alerts you whenever a crime is happening around you. It’s a combination of police scanner and crimes reported by citizens like you and me. Whenever a crime is happening near you, you get an alert from the app.

The issue here is that normal people are reporting these incidents, so basically 1 out of every 10 updates is an actual crime. They generally fall into the following categories

1. We Need Answers – the one sentence blurb on this crime creates more questions than answers.
2. Helpful Info but not a Crime – thanks for the update Citizen gang but let’s keep this to actual crimes.
3. Why do we need to know this? – like who posts this?
4. Bizarre But Delightful- these are why I keep coming back.

A recent feature that was added is a chat functionality. That’s right, you can chat with your fellow citizens right on the app that warns you about dangerous crimes in your area.

Here’s a little insight into the kinds of chats that we got going on.

Something tells me there isn’t actually a naked flat chested/assed woman on the bridge. You’re a fucking liar Alah_akbar.

Then you have stuff like this…

Lot to unpack. I thought about going to the FDR for fireworks but honestly was just too tired. Long day at work.

What I did do was add andru69  on snapchat and all I can say is wow. He’s definitely some sort of famous Snapchatter. As someone trying to make it in the social media world myself, I was pretty impressed. His SnapStories are a combination of weed memes and like pretty aggressive sexual posts. Not for the faint of heart.

Few examples:

Bold move promoting this kind of brand on a police scanner account but hey, I get it. The internet never sleeps.

Let’s get into the updates. This week we have updates in the following categories.

• Animal Related Crimes – the ASPCA and I will need to have a word. These animals are out of control
• Think of the Children – who in their right mind would raise a child here?
• How is that Possible– people are so dumb sometimes
• Kind of Cool- this isn’t a crime it’s just freakin’ sweet.
• Water Related Crimes – we should stay on land where it’s safe.
• This Place is Crazy – I need to move from New York ASAP

Animal Related Crimes:

In no way, shape or form is this a crime. But it does create more questions than answers. How much exercise does a lizard really need? How big was this lizard? Lizards can range from 16 cm to 10 feet!! This could be a gecko or a dinosaur. WE NEED TO KNOW.

Also huge shoutout to Citizen user raccoon for reporting the man petting the lizard in question. That man is likely a psychopath and needs to be monitored closely.

What’s my ex-wife doing swimming so close to the beach??? Burn. Take that Jessica.

Think of the Children:

Much respect to this child, who stuck by this sanitation vehicle when no one else would. After the vehicle started drinking again and even its family couldn’t look it in the eye, this child was there. A shoulder to lean on. The police officers are on their way? So be it. This kid’s ride or die.

The boy who cried gunshot. This kid’s got a real sack on him. I remember I tried to prank call 911 as a kid and got so nervous I hung up immediately and then told my priest about it in confession.

What the hell did the ice cream driver do to you? This man is just trying to bring joy to children across the city and you insist on blinding him. I swear to go if you ruined all the Push-Up Pops and Choco Tacos I will literally beat the shit out of you.

How is That Possible:

Ok EKG machines are gigantic. How is a patient lifting one up and then striking another woman with it? Just my opinion, but I don’t think they need to be in a hospital if they’re capable of wielding a heart rate machine as a weapon. Waste of healthcare.

This guy was clearly trying to get the perfect Instagram before everything went horribly wrong. Someone needs to tell him that Central Park is only for making out on a picnic blanket with your soul mate or drinking tall boys out of brown paper bags.

Lady you’re a human being, not a cat. Get it together.

Kind of Cool:

This is something I’ve always wanted to do. Just walk into a fast food place and start grabbing people’s food. No one would stop you. Except the Citizen App.

This could easily be 90% of the people I’m friends with.

Water Related Crimes:

This is pretty clearly Will Smith and Eva Mendes on their first date in “Hitch.” Don’t worry Eva, after knocking you off the jet ski he’ll just take you to Ellis Island where you have to confront the darkest corners of your family’s sordid past. He really is the date doctor!

Can jet skiers please get their shit together?

Not to be a dick, but boats don’t have feelings. They can’t really be in distress.

This Place is Crazy

My brother spit on my sister when he was a little kid and my dad made him eat an entire bowl of mustard. Can my brother eat mustard now? No, he cannot. But has he ever spit on my sister again? Nope. Maybe this is what this man needs. For the sake of the passerby on 55 Washington St, let’s get French’s or Gulden’s on the case ASAP.

Using the tools you have at your disposal. Gotta respect it.

Honestly sad.

That’s all for this installment. Don’t forget to follow us on Instagram @WorkRetireDie and tell everyone you’ve ever met about the greatest blog on the Internet.