Work.Retire.Die.

Editor’s Note: Guest columnist 720 Dave returns with another fast food guide that will ravage the beach body you’ve worked kind of hard to maintain this summer. This man’s intense knowledge of the inner workings of nearly every single fast food chain’s menu is alarming and may be a legitimate cry for help. Find Part 1 of the Fast Food Secret Menu HERE. if you want to punish your body any further. 

Fast Food Secret Menu Part Two

-720 Dave

Loosen up your belts fatties cause your WRDietician is back with another round of secrets and tips to guide you through the vast universe of fast food dining options. In the previous edition of this series I covered the titans of the fast food industry…and Burger King. McDonald’s is an icon, Taco Bell brought Mexican food to the rapido comida world, and Chick-Fil-A has managed to spread and thrive in the liberal Northeast & SoCal despite their CEO essentially being the Papa John of gay people back in 2012. But this is part two people, and I’m back by popular demand to share the secrets of the most popular chains that you the readers voted on!

Note: by “popular demand” I mean one of Content King’s aunts who liked part one (thanks for reading, glad you liked it, I love you like my own aunt), and by “you the readers voted on” I mean the restaurants that didn’t make the cut for part one cause I talked a lotttt about McDonald’s.

Five Guy’s Burgers and Fries

McDonald’s may have started the fast food burger revolution, but only five guys reign supreme these days: the five guys who started Five Guy’s Burgers and Fries. Read more quickly as just Five Guy’s (try it!), Five Guy’s menu is easy on the eyes. Though you won’t find a kid’s meal with a prize, it’s a great place to go with girls and guys. A favorite of mine are the Cajun fries, and you can trust me I tell no lies. So come on everybody its no surprise, America’s favorite burger is at Five Guy’s (Burger and Fries). *cries*

Patty Melt

Ok so I have never actually ordered this thing, so I don’t exactly know the etiquette of asking for one, but I imagine it goes something like this: “Can I have a patty melt please?” If they don’t know what you’re talking about or tell you “we don’t serve that here sir/ma’am”, simply respond by saying “It’s the same as a typical burger but you flip the buns inside out and grill ‘em like a panino”. Sounds kinda weird and pointless, but I saw a picture of one on the internet one time while reading a way less funny man’s attempt at this kind of article and was like “yo that looks pretty good, I might order that next time if I remember”.

Chipotle

While Taco Bell perfected the notion of creating seemingly endless menu items by rearranging the same five basic ingredients (give or take), Chipotle flipped that around and gave you only three options to choose from with a display of several different ingredients to choose from. Now, everyone knows about the social media blasted Quesarito that has faded since its heyday back in 2013, but I came up with another concoction the other day that I, again, have yet to try, but fully intend to the next time I go to Chipotle.

Stuffed Enchilada or Enchilada Plate

The differing names of this dish depend on your placement of the rice/beans. One is simply a burrito smothered in either a red or green “enchilada sauce” (the mild or hot salsa combined with the queso), and the other features the rice and beans in a burrito bowl “on the side” with the remaining ingredients wrapped up and smothered like before. Probably wise to just order a burrito bowl with a tortilla and the sauces on the side for best results.

Cookout

If you went to school in the south (which is probably 90 or so percent of “y’all”), then you know exactly what Cookout is and you talk about it like a hipster any time some damn yank says they’ve never heard of it before. You know, the same thing that used to happen with Chick-Fil-A before they invaded the union. Cookout is nothing like Chick-Fil-A however—in fact, it is almost the complete opposite. First off, it is still firmly rooted in the American south without any indication of expansion. Second, it provides the least amount of utilities and amenities then any other fast food chain I know of, operating only out of drive-thru and walk-up windows. I once got escorted to my car in the rain by a Chick-Fil-A employee with an umbrella, and Cookout doesn’t even have a roof over where you order your food. Third, it mainly serves burgers instead of chicken and offers an insane amount of unreal sides like a chicken quesadilla or a corn dog. But best of all are their shakes.

Orea Mint PB Milkshake

There are literally trillions of different milkshakes you can order at Cookout by combining any number of their 40 complimentary flavors together. Of those trillions only one keeps me coming back (yes, I’ve tried them all, I am immortal, please don’t tell anyone), and that is the Oreo Mint Peanut Butter Milkshake. Toss out that straw and grab a spoon cause peanut butter doesn’t go through straws and not using a straw is really in vogue right now. If you’re allergic to peanut butter I shall pray for your soul, and if you don’t like mint then your breath probably stinks. Onto the next one. 

White Castle

The entire White Castle franchise is a secret menu. Within driving distance of nothing but Vanderbilt University, I have been there but three times—twice near Vanderbilt University, and a third time after taking a two-hour detour off the highway in Jersey for the sole purpose of getting White Castle. Tis a mythical creature worthy of its titular role in Harold and Kumar’s whacky flick. I recommend ordering 30 sliders, five large fries, and four large drinks. (pro tip: they’re the only fast food chain I know of that sells their signature burgers beyond the walls of their restaurants. While they’re nowhere near as good as the ones you get in-store, go pick up an 8 pack of frozen White Castle sliders at your local super market and just go crazy!)

Domino’s Pizza

Now some would argue that this could hardly be considered “fast” food, to which I would agree and say shut up though cause I make the rules and there’s a reason they’re on the list. It’s a pizza place, so there really isn’t a “secret” menu because the point is that you can put whatever the fuck you want on your pizza, but I do want to point out a little gem of theirs that I’ve enjoyed for several years known as the:

Philly Cheesesteak Pizza

If you don’t like mushrooms, peppers, or onions, just substitute other stuff. If you’re a cheesesteak snob and claim it can’t be called a Philly Cheesesteak without wiz and ketchup then grow up and go eat one of those atrocities and leave the rest of us alone. For the remainder of you, share a large pie with a friend, or house a medium on your own while no one is around. Either way, the combination of provolone and American cheeses coupled with Crème Fraiche and the classic core Cheesesteak meats and veggies make this a winner that you shouldn’t miss. Try it Brooklyn style or thin crust!

McDonald’s pt. 2

If you thought I was done raving about McDonald’s after the first article you were sorely mistaken bucko. I was just there this past Sunday and oooo-weee do I have some news for you. Remember how I spent about ¼ of the last article describing how to custom order a Crispy Chicken Snack Wrap like a total jackass, including a brilliantly edited picture depicting such a scene? Well guess what people—it’s back. Now I don’t know if the Content King knows Mr. McDonald himself or if the Golden Arch-bishop found us by word of mouth, but that guy heard what I had to say and he said to his staff “we need to make this fat boy happy, look at all the other fast food places he goes to we need to make sure he stays loyal to us and that fucking clown.” Well here I am, in all my glory, writing about McDonald’s for a second time. And ya know what? If there is a third installment of this article series then I’ll write about McDonald’s again. And you’re all gonna love it (badda ba ba ba).

Thanks for reading gang. Check out Part 1 of the Fast Food Secret Menu for more tips on how to be a fat piece of shit. As always, follow us on Instagram @workretiredie. Let’s go to Mars.