Work.Retire.Die.

Jobs are trash. Everyone knows it. Sometimes though, they’re really trash, which isn’t cool. You spend like 75% of your week at the office- you shouldn’t be fucking miserable. You’re a loyal WRDie which means you’re hot, smart, and have good taste in blogs. You deserve to be happy.

Even if your job doesn’t suck, I still think that you should change jobs at least twice during your first 5 years working. You don’t want to get too comfortable and change is good for the soul. Plus, joining a new companies is the easiest way to get promoted and paid more. These idiots interviewing you don’t know how lazy you are yet. They just know you look really handsome in a suit and deserve to be paid double your current salary.

This guide is going to be about how to find a new job while you still have one. If you can quit your job and search full time, then go for it pal. I can barely make it from paycheck to paycheck without selling most of my belongings and/or plasma over here. Must be nice having all the money in the entire world.

Let’s get after it.

Pro-Tip #1: Commit to It

You now have a second job. Researching, networking, interviewing, lying to your boss, getting consistent haircuts, brushing your teeth EVERY day. It’s exhausting and an emotional roller coaster. But don’t worry champ. It’ll all be worth it when you have a job you don’t hate that pays you more than an Arabian sultan. That’ll show those kids in high school who bullied you for not wearing deodorant.

This is priority #1 for the next few months. Be honest- you have way too much free time to begin with. You don’t need to be spending your Tuesday nights rewatching The Office for the 3rd time. You already know it sucks after Michael leaves in Season 5, Andy and Erin have a sort of bizarre relationship (he’s like 13 years old than her?) and there’s a weird part at the end where Jim and Pam are fighting a lot about ATHLead (I’m on Jim’s side for what it’s worth. Pam was being kind of a bitch about it.)

You don’t have to be Gary Vernachuk but you can commit an hour a day to doing something that’ll push you forward, even if it’s just browsing LinkedIn or talking on the phone to your mom’s second cousin about his career in advertising. You can go back to being a lazy sack of shit when you get a new job.

Pro-Tip #2: Network to Make The Dream Work

Yo if you think that you’re going to get a job just by submitting your resume and filling out some application on a company’s career portal, get the fuck off my blog. I know you think you’re hot shit because you’re an ‘associate sales specialist’, but no one cares that you ‘grew revenue 10% YoY in a highly competitive space.’ We all know you’re lying anyways.

On this blog, we don’t have any technical skills or ‘talent’ per se. We only get jobs because people like us. And the only way to do that is to network.

There are a few different networking conversations you can have:

• Informational
  • This is for when you’re considering changing industries. It’s the first step in figuring out how to navigate a new world.
  • Here’s a step by step guide for getting people to talk to you:
    • Make a list of companies in the industry that you’re interested in
    • Make a list of every single person you know who works there.
      • Start with family, close friends, or former co-workers.
      • Move to LinkedIn and see if you have any 1st or 2nd connections you have who work there.
      • Try your college’s alumni pages on LinkedIn or Facebook. Even better if you find someone who was in the same club as you or was your freaking BROTHER at Beta Chi or some shit.
    • Email all these people and set up 15 minute calls. Doesn’t matter what you say as long as you include this sentence-  “I’d love to hear about your career path and any advice you’d give someone in my position.” People love talking about themselves so they’ll usually say yes.
    • Thank them for their time and ask them if they can connect you to anyone else who can help.
  • After a few conversations you’ll start to get a good feel for the industry. It’ll help you tailor your resume and be ready for interviews. Even better, you can decide if you’d actually like that life or not.
  • You should talk to at least 5 people in the industry (probably more like 20) before you’re ready to really start applying to jobs.
• Job Related
  • This is usually one of two situations
    • You’re looking to stay in the same industry but want to switch to a competitor
    • You found a job online and are talking to someone at the company to see if they can recommend you.
  • A call is probably fine here. If you’re comfortable, coffee or a beer works even better. Once they see those perfect cheekbones of yours they’ll be smitten : )
• Recruiters
  • Not to brag but I have a dope LinkedIn that’s absolutely chock full of buzzwords. So I get messages from recruiters like twice a week, which can be kind of annoying but ultimately is helpful. You basically have someone to do all the hard work of finding a new job for you PLUS you get wined and dined with free lunch and shit. 10/10 would recommend recruiters.
• Events 
  • Personally, I’ve never gone to a networking event except for once in college when it was a requirement for passing Business Communication 101. Frankly, they sound boring and for nerds only. But honestly, you never know. What do you have to lose?

Pro-Tip #3: Don’t Slack Off at Your Actual Job

This may be the most important one. Why is it Pro-Tip #3 then, you ask? Because it fits the flow of the narrative and I fucking said so, that’s why. Write your own blog, you sad sack.

Anyways, hate to break it to you but your reputation matters in this world. I know “it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks” but that’s the biggest bunch of bullshit ever. Especially when it comes to your career.

I get it – its hard to focus and stay committed to your current job when you already have one foot out the door. But don’t slack off or take the foot off the pedal because you just never know. What if you work with someone again? What if you want to use your old boss as a reference for your next next job? You don’t want someone saying you acted like a piece of shit for 3 months and were the biggest loser in the office. Also, what if your search ends up taking MONTHS and you fuck yourself over in your current gig? That’d suck.

Pro-Tip #4: Keep it a Secret

Look it’s not illegal to look for another job, but you really don’t need anyone at your office knowing you’re thinking of leaving. Just awkward. So it’s time to be a little sneaky.

• Interview Excuses
  • Do: Be as vague as possible.
    • Dentist Appointment
      • Doctor’s appointment is played out. This is the perfect excuse. No one is really going to question you and it’s reasonable to have this in the middle of the day.
    • Maintenance Issue at home
      • “Waiting for the plumber to come fix your shower” or “Broke your key in the lock and waiting for the locksmith” are great excuses for working from home for an entire morning.
  • Don’t- Blame Death
    • Bad karma. You can only have so many dead great-aunts before people start to take notice.
  • Do – Take a Full Day
    • If you’re interviewing at a bunch of places just take the whole day off. You’re quitting anyways, you don’t need that vacation homeboy.
  • Don’t –  Go On Social Media
    • One time my co-worker called out sick but posted an Insta-story of her getting lunch at a cafe in Brooklyn. Our boss follows her, saw it and chewed her out. Just senseless.
  • Do – Fake Sick
    • Make sure you set up the sickness 1-2 days in advance by lightly coughing and complaining of a headache.
  • Don’t-  Fake a Serious Illness
    • It’s harder to pretend to have tuberculosis for 6 weeks that you’d think.

• Company Property
  • Pro-Tip – be careful with file names of resumes or other documents. The printer in my office shows the past 10 files that have been printed. Yesterday I saw a document with my co-worker’s name and ‘Resume’ in the title. Luckily I don’t care at all but still. Bad look.

Pro-Tip #5: Don’t Jump the Gun

Be patient pal. At a certain point you’ll have been searching for a few months and will just want it all to be over with. But don’t take an offer just because you’re fed up. You’ll probably end up hating it and then you’ll have to go through the whole job search process again. Plus, you look like someone who switches jobs all the time, which employers don’t love. You only have so many career moves – be smart.

If you really start to feel overwhelmed, it’s ok to take a break and come back to the job search in a few months, refreshed and ready to get after it. You’re a gigantic pussy but it’s ok. No really, go take a break. You’re not like a bitch or anything. No one’s talking about you behind your back and saying you’re a mentally and emotionally weak man who’ll never make anything of themselves. No one’s saying that at all. Bitch.

That’s all folks. Don’t forget to follow us on Instagram @WorkRetireDie and please click every single ad you see on this site. It’s the only way I make enough money to fund this rock and roll lifestyle.

If you’re a new reader, go check out more of our tips and how-to guides HERE.  It’s the only possible way to ever be successful and cool in this broken world.