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Power Ranking The Worst Days of Work

It’s Super Bowl weekend and like most of America, I am absolutely fired up for the game, the food, and the chance to watch The Weekend try to give a family-friendly show when all of his songs are explicitly about either sex or drugs or having sex with drugs. I don’t know how to break down song lyrics but I do know one thing – for as great as Super Bowl Sunday is, Super Bowl Monday is one of the worst days of work of all time and I’m already dreading it.

In anticipation of my Monday hangover and lack of productivity, I’m breaking down the worst days in the office. As always, all rankings are correct and final.

The Worst Days of Work: A Power Ranking

Image result for hungover person
Me on Monday, minus the watermelon because it’s not the time of year for a fucking watermelon.

5. President’s Day (also includes MLK Day, and other bank holidays)

Such a truly defeating moment when you find yourself sitting on a Monday afternoon project status call while everyone you know and love is posting Instagram stories of them on cool vacations or building snowmen in the streets or some shit. It’s brutal. Not only does your company not have the decency to pay you a decent salary, they don’t even honor Presidents! Or Martin Luther King Jr! Or Columbus (maybe that’s actually a good thing.) If we can’t respect bank holidays, what can we respect in this world?

4. Super Bowl Monday

Kind of the point of the blog, but yeah, this is a brutal one. Obviously, you’re hungover, bloated (why did you finish the last 6 buffalo wings at the end of the 4th quarter? It was like 11:34 pm), and exhausted from staying up to watch the entire game. That sucks, but you’ll have Mondays like that from time to time throughout the year. No, the worst part about Super Bowl Monday is the small talk with your coworkers.

The last thing you need in your condition is to beasked about your favorite commercial (banking on Progressive ‘Don’t Become Your Parents’ to bring their A game) or listen to coworkers who barely know anything about football talk about the game. No Sarah, I don’t know why the ‘guy with the hair from the State Farm commercials’ threw the ball to the other team on 4th down. I lost the better part of my rent on that play and I’d rather not talk about it. I wish I could say that I’m happy that you somehow won $5,000 in the office Super Bowl Squares, but I’m honestly not. I wish nothing but negativity on you and your entire family. Have a good day.

How about those commercials?!? Funny stuff right? Nothing better than talking about corporate advertising at work!

3. Day with a 4-hour “Brainstorming Strategy Session”

There is never a need to spend 4 whole hours talking about anything at work, much less the ‘future of the brand’ or ‘how our B2B software can connect more with Gen Z.” Honestly though, I would rather have an entire day devoted to this than a 4 hour session.

At least when you have a full day, you can set your out of office and mentally prepare to not do any actual work that day. But if you find yourself with a 10 am – 2 pm time slot blocked off to ‘Roadmap 2021 touchpoint strategy,’ you’re signing up for a day of scrambling to answer Slacks and unsuccessfully trying to stay ahead of emails.

2. January 2nd

The first day back to work after the holidays is about as soul crushing as it gets. After checking out at work for the entire month of December (or ‘mail it in season‘ as we call it) it’s time to catch up on all the things you said you’d do ‘after the holidays.’ You’re about 20 pounds overweight and in significant credit card debt, since you put off Christmas shopping until the last minute and had to pay for express shipping for everyone on your list.  The weight of the world truly comes crashing down on your admittedly impressive shoulders (if you have weak shoulders, stop reading this now.)

The worst time to go back to work after the holidays has to be in your first year out of college. To me, this is when ‘Work Retire Die’ (someone should make a blog about that) truly hit me for the first time and I fully realized that I would be doing this shit for the rest of my life.

Your first 6 months after graduation don’t exactly feel real. It almost feels like you’re studying abroad as an adult – living in a new city, going to work every day, and humiliating yourself at local clubs are all just new experiences and fun little parts of your life. You go home to your parents for a couple weeks during Christmas break, reconnect with old friends at an open-bar for New Years Eve that’s way too expensive, and it starts to feel like the last 4 years of school. Then January comes and you pack up your stuff, head back to your apartment and you just…go back to your life and nothing changes. Ever. Until you die. Or you retire but probably not. Got it??

When it fully dawns on you that this is how you’re doing to spend the rest of your adult life

1. Finding Out You Didn’t Get the Job You Interviewed For After You Mentally Prepared to Quit

Just got a shiver writing that out. Finding a new job while you’re still employed is hard work and honestly becomes a second full-time gig. By the time you’ve found a role you’re interested in, written a cover letter that is 80% buzzwords and outright lies, and interviewed with at least 4-5 people, over a month has passed. You can’t help it, but you’ve talked yourself into your new job and mentally checked out on your old one. You’ve let all your projects slide, stopped participating in meetings, and routinely ignore the reminders to update your password since you know you’ll be gone soon anyways.

But then you get that dreaded email that your new dream job is ‘going in another direction,’ and your entire world crumbles. Not only do you not get a cool new job (honestly, it probably wasn’t that cool,) but now you have to return to your old job and do alllll that shit you’ve been ignoring. You’re not sure if you can bring yourself to start laughing at your boss’s jokes again and pretending like you care about best-in-class consumer experience for your kitchen appliance company. But what other choice do you really have?

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