Work.Retire.Die.

I’m not but how about that headline! Who couldn’t click on that? Anyways, I got another story for you guys and don’t worry, the title of this article was not total click-bait. I’ve been dealing with some goat and chicken farmers in Alabama all week long and have lived to tell the tale.

I’ll set the scene. It’s a Tuesday morning. I’m sitting at my desk, doing what I do every Tuesday morning – listening to Marvin’s Room on repeat and researching all of Drake’s exes to figure out who he’s talking about (probably Erika Lee.) I glance over at my phone and notice I have gotten 2 straight missed calls from random Alabama numbers.

Normally I’d think nothing of calls from random numbers. I get into some shady shit and my number is on some weird sites. But today I perked up because I was expecting a call from Allstate. I recently left my kitchen sink running for the entire night and the overflow leaked through the ceiling of 4 different apartments below me. Luckily I’d just gotten insurance the night before but that’s neither here nor there.

So I call the number back, hyped up to file this claim and see if I really am in good hands. The person on the other line pick up on the first ring. She has a warm Southern accent. Like molasses in a bowl of grits. I feel right at home

Southern Lady: “Hello this is Marla I’m calling about the chickens and goats”

Me: “The what?”

Southern Lady: “The chickens and goats. I think I’d be a good fit for them. I got a good farm and plenty of property for them to roam and -”

Me: “I think you got the wrong number.”

Weird, but unfortunately that’s the world we leave in. Some days you just get calls from random numbers asking about barnyard animals. Thought nothing of it. I get up from my desk to go to a few meetings. I actually had to pay attention in these stupid meetings so I left my phone at my desk.

I come back about an hour later to another 3 missed calls and the following texts.

Weird. I pop on over to gMail and this fella is sitting in my inbox.

Ok it’s pretty clear what has happened. Someone posted a Craiglist ad for free goats and chickens in Huntsville, Alabama and put down my phone number and email as the contact info. Pretty hilarious joke I gotta say.

The post has gotten taken down since then so I don’t have the actual ad but that basic gist was:

• My wife and I are moving to Florida
• We’d like to give away our goats and chickens to a good family
• Please reach out and let me know why you’d give them a good home

Info about the goats

• Condition: Like New
• Make/Manufacturer: Our Lord and God Above

Images of the goats and chickens:

At first, I thought the culprit was my friend, whose name I will change to Swat Menson for privacy sake. Just the other day, he was telling me how his friend’s roommate bought a goat as a joke, but now they have to live with the goat and it’s not funny at all. Maybe he had a little goat on the brain? I ask him about it, but he denies.

I continue to ask around, but still, no one will take responsibility. Fine coward. Your loss. You think you caused me annoyance but instead have given me pounds and pounds of free content. You cannot take me down because I will turn pain into art. When will you learn?

As expected, my phone has been getting absolutely blown up for the past 3 days. I mean, can you blame the people of Huntsville, Alabama? It’s free goats and chickens for God’s sake?

Since Tuesday, I’ve received

20 Missed Calls:

I picked up a few of the calls and ended up speaking to one guy. He asked me how much I wanted for the animals. I said how much are you trying to pay? He said how much do you want? It seemed like neither of us really knew how much a goat costs so eventually I just hung up. A brilliant negotiation tactic.

I also got 11 voicemails:

None of them were particularly interesting. Moving on.

The real joy were the text messages, of which I received 14. A majority of these texts were green bubbles and I gotta say- step your shit up Alabama. You’re making the rest of the country look bad.

I started off slow with the texts, really trying to figure out my character. Was I an older farmer, confused by the Internet and the buying process?

But then I decided, you know what Content King? Why don’t you make some stronger, richer character choices? You’re a proud goat owner. You love them like your own children. Wouldn’t I want to make sure they’re going to a good home? These are not just any goats. They should be treated like goat royalty.

A good start. But still not convinced. I need to know that my animals are being treated like the people that they are. As such, they deserve names.

Interesting wrinkle I add here. I am a widower and grieving Florence, my late wife who died from cholera. Yes, this man seems like a good owner. But his baffling inability to figure out text message worries me. Let’s move on.

Seems nice enough, but a little desperate. Don’t worry there are other suitors.

I will not expose my children to this sex-crazed horn-dog. Starting to have trust issues. I really need to grill these guys.

Ok so I’m a bit over-protective of my goats. I like to follow them around. What are you going to do, sue me for loving them too much??

Ok good start buddy! Maybe throw a period or 2 in that description of your home, but it sounds like you will care for them. Checking off all the boxes, but like I said – I love these goats. I will miss them down in Florida with my second wife (RIP Florence) and will want to come check on them.

Oh boy. I’d like to believe that he picked up on the fact that I’m joking and is pranking me right back. Otherwise, we are in for some trouble.

I almost got caught a few other times, but don’t worry loyal readers. I slithered right out.

Almost got me but I once again have brilliantly outsmarted another goat farmer. Good luck growing your homestead idiot!

Unfortunately, greatness comes at a price. I realized that I was too talented at portraying my goat farmer. Like Daniel Day Lewis, I had become my character in mind, body and spirit. At one point, even I believed that I was looking to give away my goats and chickens to a good home.

It’s all good and fun but when art and reality merge, it can be beautiful but oh so dangerous. People can get hurt.

My bad. On second thought, maybe I won’t move to Alabama and raise chickens and goats.

Honestly, this was fun and all and congrats to the person who pranked me. But can we please not make this a thing? I can’t handle the emotional turmoil of responding to Craigslist ads more than twice a quarter.

For more posts on me pretending to be someone I’m not via text message, check out what I do when people text my work phone: Part 1 and Part 2.