This is life now. Cope with us.

Summer Fridays: Best Summers Ever

August is winding down and it’s time to reflect on Summer 2019. It’s been a good to great summer for your humble Content King. I travelled a bit, saw some friends and family and drank a few hundred beers. I got slightly tanner, a new apartment and promoted at work. I posted a series of blogs that reader have grown increasingly less engaged with. Standard stuff. It was a good summer, but was it….the BEST summer ever?

No, it was not. I’m a 26 year old corporate hack who runs a website dedicated to how much he hates his life. Clearly I am not capable of the best summer of all time. However, I am capable of power ranking the best summers of all time. And that’s exactly what I’ll be doing. Let’s get it.

The WIldcats from HSM 2 were unfortunately a last minute snub

power ranking the best summers ever

9. Black Eyed Peas, 2005

The Black Eyed Peas were at the peak of their powers in 2005. They had just released their album ‘Monkey Business,’ widely considered a top 53 pop album of all time. iPod Shuffles worldwide were filled to the absolute brim with banger after banger from America’s favorite legume based band. It was a simpler time.

The following songs cracked the Billboard Top 100 in the summer:

The most underrated song? Bebot

Bebot bebot bebot bebot – we come a hoggin. Filipino! Filipino! Filipino!

The music industry has not recovered since.

8. Henry Rowengartner, 1993

Henry was just a normal kid like you and me. Then he broke him arm in a pretty humiliating way. Then it healed and he realized he could throw a baseball 100 MPH and joined the Chicago Cubs, his favorite team ever. He got to meet all his heroes, strike out Barry Bonds, and learn a series of important lessons along the way about the value of friendship and believing in yourself. And then at the end of the summer, he breaks his arm again and is back to normal. If you ask me, that is a pretty great summer.

How do you ever come back from the high that was his 1993 summer? You just don’t.

7. Summer between Junior and Senior year of College

The summer when you are on the precipice of adulthood but are still allowed to be a little shithead. You have your first real internship, which is cool because you’re making pretty good money for the first time. The working world is still new and exciting and not clinically depressing. You’re 21 so you can go to bars and happy hours. You realize there might be more to life than sitting on a couch and splitting a 30 of Keystone Light with your friend (this is still 75% of life.) And the best part is, you still have one more year of college to look forward to. This is your trial run as an adult with basically zero stakes.

6. America/The World, 1969

The following historical events happened in the summer of 1969.

  • America landed on the Moon (assuming this is real)
  • Original Woodstock (watch the Netflix documentary)
  • Charles Manson cult thing (this was bad)
  • Miracle Mets won like a million games in a row and the World Series
  • Chappaquiddick and Ted Kennedy’s greatest shame
  • US began troop withdrawl from Vietnam
  • Muhammed Ali convicted of draft evasion
  • The Brady Bunch premieres on ABC
  • People realized the 69 is a hilarious thing to say
Ok Bryan Adams way to steal my content. I thought of this first you prick

5. White Claws, 2019

It’s safe to say that White Claws are having a moment right now. Anyone who is cool and a problematic drinker knows that these guys have been around since 2016. But they have absolutely exploded this summer. They are literally the fastest growing brand in America right now.

Personally, I find them disgusting, but I can agree with one thing – ain’t no laws when your’e drinking claws.

How all babies born in summer 2019 are baptized

4. Alexander the Great, 323 BC

In 323 BC, Alexander the Great was 32 years olds and had basically conquered the entire world. After summering in Babylon (he had a share house) he got bored and realized – oh wait, I haven’t conquered Persia yet. I should go take that place over, sleep with every woman and start a new generation of little half Alexander, half Persian kids who are 323 years away from knowing who Jesus is.

So he rallied the troops and they headed to P-town. As with any good road trip, Alexander started drinking in the backseat of his car/chariot right away. And kept drinking for the next two weeks. He is widely regarded as having the longest, sickest bender of all time. He even ran a little drinking contest that killed 41 participants. Finally, at the end of June, he made it to Persia, ready to celebrate the culmination of his life’s work. At long last, he would own the entire world. Except, unfortunately, he had drank too much and promptly died of liver poisoning. He literally drank himself to death. Which is kind of sick. Sad that he died but that must have been a really great summer before then.

They didn’t have Gatorade back then so hangovers were way worse

3. Hot Girls, 2019

As America’s #1 feminist blog with two (2) blogs written by female writers, we support all girls, regardless of how hot they are. However, this summer is officially Hot Girl Summer. A movement started by Megan Thee Stallion has touched every corner of the Internet and the collective consciousness of humanity. It’s a mantra that doesn’t just apply to women. According to Ms. Stallion, Hot Girl Summer is “about women and men being unapologetically them, just having a good-ass time, hyping up their friends, doing you.” Heard that sister. Plus, it’s just really fun to say.

Bummer that this song sucks

2. Christopher Columbus, 1492

Christopher Columbus basically did the 14th century equivalent of going to the Moon. I cannot stress enough how cool it was that he found an entire world that already existed. And he gets a holiday named after him that only like 30% of people get work off on. It was honestly super brave of him to believe that the world is not flat. Like, even with modern day science, I’m still kind of like “wellll maybe it is flat I mean how do we know?” Like go look outside. It just makes sense that the world would be flat. Idk.

1. Summer after Senior year of High School

The most pure time of your life. You have a license, no responsibilities, and you’re getting ready for the best 4 years of your life. There’s a reason that like a billion movies are made about this time period, from American Pie to Superbad to High School Musical 2. It’s sick and it rules.

3 thoughts on “Summer Fridays: Best Summers Ever

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: