Work.Retire.Die.

Love is a beautiful thing. But it can be complex, confusing, and downright frustrating to figure out how to express and receive it. Them’s the breaks. Luckily, we have the pseudo scientist to help us oversimplify it with a wonderful thing called Love Languages.

If you don’t know what Love Languages are, just look it up. I’m not explaining it to you. It’s like the most popular thing people know about when it comes to personality quizzes.

High level, there are 5 main personas

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
• Gift Giving
• Physical Touch

Generally, these only apply to romantic love but you know what? Fuck that. Today we’ll see how it applies to the workplace because that’s what I want to do for this blog.

I’ve prepared an in depth quiz for you all to take with 5 different scenarios at the office. Keep your score as you go through and learn what your love language at the office is!!

Workplace Love Language Quiz

1. It’s your coworker Jim’s 40^th anniversary at your company. There’s nothing sad about the fact that he still has to work at his age to stay alive, when he should be retired and enjoying life.

To celebrate him, you….

1. Give him a shoutout in the team Slack channel with a GIF referencing a pop culture moment he does not understand in the slightest
2. Throw him a surprise party in the breakroom and hope he doesn’t get a heart attack
3. Build a wheelchair ramp to the office even though he’s actually in way better shape than you are and you have no idea how to build a ramp.  
4. Send him a link to a YouTube compilation of Popeye The Sailor’s Greatest Hits to remind him of his childhood.
5. Kiss him square on the lips (no tongue)

2. You get back from a long vacation in Europe (you’re really abusing that unlimited PTO) to find that your coworker Rachel covered for you flawlessly.

To thank her, you….

1. Write her a nice thank-you letter on a postcard from the Coliseum in Rome. When you give to her, you explain in depth what the Coliseum is (think of it like a big house but you can watch Gladiators in it) and share 2-4 personal anecdotes about your 45 minute tour there.
2. Take her out to lunch and talk about your trip the entire time
3. Offer to help out when she goes on maternity leave and then take the promotion that she’s worked years for while she’s in labor
4. Bring back a miniature replica of the Eiffel Tower for her to put in drawer she’ll never open until she quits and has to clean out her desk.
5. Kiss her on both cheeks and claim it’s just something you picked up in Europe if she’s weird about it.

3. You’re on a client call with your work BFF Brittany and she gets chewed the fuck out. After the call ends, your boss reams her out even further and it looks like she’s going to cry in the middle of the meeting.

To cheer her up you….

1. Tell her it was actually the best job you’ve seen her do on a call in months so take that for what you will.
2. Go for a walk with her afterwards so she can vent about it for at least 60 seconds before you steer the conversation back to your problems.
3. Offer to take the lead on the next call since it seems like she can’t really handle the high stakes intensity of a standard weekly check-in.
4. Pile on and tell her  what she could have done better. Feedback is the greatest gift anyone can receive.
5. Hug and rock her like a baby in the middle of the meeting and coo in her ear softly to soothe them. Everyone gets colicky sometimes.

4. Your direct report Kyle went above and beyond on a presentation and absolutely crushed it.

To celebrate his success you….

1. Use his slides in your meeting to the boss and include a ‘thank you kyle’ slide in the back of the appendix.
2. Set up a team dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings so you can use the corporate card. He’s a vegan but they still have fries and stuff so it’s fine.  
3. Email his presentation to the CEO. Sure, you remove his name and make it seem like it’s your work but you wouldn’t want him to have to worry about sending an email with everything he has on his plate!
4. Give him a Chipotle gift card that you got for Christmas and have only used for one burrito bowl with no guac so there should be at least like $16 still on it.
5. Wet willy him repeatedly. Reverse wet willy him when necessary (stick your finger in his ear and then put the earwax in your mouth.) This is just how guys roughhouse together. Boys being boys.

5. You see on LinkedIn that your work rival Jason has gotten the promotion you’ve been passed over for years.

To congratulate him you…

1. Comment on his status “Kudos to you! Your uncle Mason must be so happy to have his nephew fly up the ranks so fast in his very own company! 4 promotions in 6 months! Let’s hope nothing serious happens to you after this great massive success….” on the status
2. Start following Jason around wherever he goes, even after work hours when he’s at bowling night with his fiancée and close friends. It’s nice to spend so much time together, even if he doesn’t know about it.
3. Remove several screws from his chair. You know he’s not that handy and no one wants a sturdy desk chair!
4. Buy him a set of 4-6 brand new bowling balls. Make sure you give it to him while he is sitting on his wobbly desk chair. Oh no, let’s hope the chair doesn’t completely collapse with all the extra weight and the bowling balls don’t pin him to the floor and break a clavicle and/or tibia!
5. Kick him in the ribs over and over and over again while screaming and crying to the heavens until security drags you out and you make the local news.

Quiz Results:

Tally up your answers for your score!

5-8: Words of Affirmation!

You know what’s better than money? Empty praise. It doesn’t matter if it’s a group Slack, a Friday afternoon check-in you insist on having, or when you’re sauced at a happy hour, you always make sure that your team knows that you appreciate all they do in the workplace.  Just because you can’t put a monetary value to that appreciation doesn’t make it any less special.

9-12: Quality Time!

People in the workplace don’t need things like ‘promotions’ or ‘public recognition for a job well done.’ They need the greatest gift anyone can receive…spending extended time with you. Whether it’s a daily 1:1 check in, weekly team lunches that aren’t expensed, or mandatory attendance at your Improv 301 class show, you know that nothing beats team bonding when it comes to building morale and a culture of success.   

13-16: Acts of Service!

The backbone of a company, you are always there to help your coworkers by doing their work for them because you have control issues and ‘it’s just easier if I do it.’

17-20: Giving / Receiving Gifts!

You can’t express yourself verbally because you had a repressed childhood and were told that emotions of any kind were wrong. Now, the only way you can show people you care is by buying them stuff and you’re not even that rich. Luckily, you know how to stretch the definition of ‘gift’ to the things like ‘more feedback’ and ‘opportunities at work that probably will lead nowhere.’

21-25: Physical Touch ; )

Whoever said that being touchy-feely in the workplace is inappropriate needs to lighten up.  It’s not your fault you express love with your professional colleagues in a way that’s incredibly unsettling and off putting. That’s not sexual harassment, that’s called being yourself. I believe that beloved Governor Cuomo said it best when he stated – “I’m not perverted, I’m just Italian.”