Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week” – An Investigative Report

We’ve all heard Barenaked Ladies’ classic 1998 single,  “One Week,” by the Bare Naked Ladies. It was a cultural hit, debuting at #1 on the Billboard Charts for, coincidentally enough, 1 week, and remains a staple of pre-games and car ride sing-a-longs to this day. It was honestly a crime it did not make it our bracket of Best Songs to Hear While You’re Drunk. But mistakes were made. We move on.

For those who have not heard, check out the link below:

But have we really looked into the lyrics? Is this a classic song to belt at a bar, or a cry for help from singer/songwriter Steven Page? As someone who has at least 3 friends either in law school or currently lawyering, I know my way around a courtroom. And frankly, I have enough evidence to make a convincing case that “One Week” is not a whimsical exploration of love and compromise, but something much more sinister–a description of an explosive, emotionally and physically abusive relationship where Steven himself is the victim.

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Please help me, she makes me dress like this.

In order to fully build a complete case, we will be treating Steven’s lyrics as testimony and regarding them as absolute fact. He is our only witness – we have no choice.

First, let’s begin with a timeline of events.

TIMELINE OF EVENTS:

For your viewing pleasure I have laid out a full timeline of events in calendar form

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Let’s dive into it a bit more…

7 Days Ago

You looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said “I’m angry”

Interesting. The two seem to be having a lovely day and out of nowhere, she turns to him and expresses displeasure. She seems volatile.

You looked at me, threw your arms in the air and said “you’re crazy”

Steven’s crazy? You started this. Note her aggressive physical response to confrontation. This will return later.

You looked at me, dropped your arms to your sides and said “I’m sorry”

A classic manipulation technique. Realizing Steven is upset, she attempts to generate sympathy. Slumps over, feigns contrition, sad puppy dog look. “I’m sowwwwyy.” It may fool Steven, but it won’t fool us, mystery woman.

5 Days Ago

You laughed at me, saying “get that together come back and see me”

This has a threatening tone. See you where? Red flags abound.

You tackled me. I’ve got the rug burns on both my knees

Jesus Christ. This is turning violent fast.

I laughed at you and said, “you just did what i thought you were gonna do.”

This is clearly not the first time this has happened. Steven knew this is what she would do. But he’s powerless to stop it. What choice does he have but to just laugh it off. It’s just a rug burn right?

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Steven, these need to be treated immediately. These are not minor wounds.

3 Days Ago

The living room. I realized it’s all my fault but couldn’t tell you

Now, in what way is this your fault Steven? I’m sorry, are you the one who tackled their lover to the ground in a fit of rage? Did you initiate an altercation that ultimately ended in 2 very painful rug burns, which, to our knowledge, have yet to be addressed medically?

The afternoon. You realized it’s not my fault just a moment too soon

Not a moment too soon? It appears this woman was preparing another brutal attack on Steven before she came to her senses. He may be safe this time, but next time he won’t be so lucky.

 The living room . I realized we were both to blame but what could you do?

I know you feel helpless, but there’s actually a lot you can do Steven. You don’t have to live like this.

Yesterday

You’d forgiven me

Steven, you should be the one forgiving her. 

You’d forgiven me

How has she managed to turn this on you? It’s not your fault Steven. It’s not. Your. Fault.

You just smiled at me

Run Steven. For the love of god, get out of there while you can.

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This is not normal Steven. You need to leave.

Present

I sit back and wait ’til you say you’re sorry

Heartbreaking. He waits for an apology we all know will not come. We want to step in, but he needs to learn on his own. It’s the only way.

2 Days from Now

I say I’m sorry

Steven knows himself. After 2 days of no apology from his lover, he will break down and blame himself. Come crawling back to her, claiming it was all his fault.

Until you say i’m sorry – we’re sorry

When will you get it Steven – SHE WILL NEVER SAY I’M SORRY.

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Steven waiting for an apology that will never come

PSYCHOLOGICAL ANALYSIS

Steven’s testimony on the events is damning enough, but the final nail in the coffin comes after we examine the psychological profiles of both the mystery woman and Steven himself.

Additional Info About Mystery Woman:

You try to match wits
You try to hold me but I bust through

It appears this mystery woman does not match Steven’s intelligence or wit, which is nothing to be ashamed of. He wears glasses so he must be a pretty smart guy. Where this becomes problematic is her attempts to, as Steven so eloquently puts it, “hold me.” She clearly resents Steven’s superior intellect and diminishes him at every opportunity. Is she afraid he’ll leave her once he realizes his own value and “busts through?”  I would be.

Chickity China the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin’

Clearly, once this woman consumes just the smallest bite of a chicken drumstick, her brain completely stops ticking, rendering her completely insane. Was her rampage against Steven fueled by this strange response to a poultry leg? It’s useless to speculate, but the fact that she is this volatile is cause for concern.

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For Steven’s sake, please keep this woman as far away from Popeye’s as possible.

Additional Info About Steven:

I like the sushi
Cause it’s never touched a frying pan

A cultured man. Refined palate. Working knowledge of how sushi is prepared. Potential fear of frying pans?

I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral

An optimistic soul, he’s able to find humor in even the saddest situations. Potentially unable to confront negative feelings. Perhaps this explains his behavior 5 days ago, when he laughs off a vicious assault that left him with rug burned knees.

I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve

There are no games with Steven – you always know what’s he’s thinking. It’s his greatest strength, but his greatest weakness. His honesty leaves him vulnerable to the manipulations of his sociopathic lover.

I like vanilla, It’s the finest of the flavors

Vanilla is a fine flavor, but it is by no means the finest of flavors. Maybe the mystery woman forced Steven to eat vanilla-flavored items for every single meal until it was the only thing his taste buds would accept. Is it likely? No. But it’s a possibility. And in this kind of investigation, you can’t rule anything out.

I’d like a stinkin, achin shake

Good lord. She has managed to convince Steven that he actually likes this kind of physical abuse. We all like a little rough-housing in the bedroom once and a while, but this crosses the line.

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A sketch artist’s recreation on that fateful living room moment 5 days ago

I think we all agree that we need to get Steven out of this relationship. I’ve taken on this case pro-bono, but if we do go to trial, I will unfortunately have to charge a fee. It seems wrong to force our beloved Steven to pay for his freedom, so I ask my loyal readers to cover his costs.

Venmo me as much as you feel comfortable, but keep in mind my retainer fee for a case like this is $250k. If times are tough, we will also accept you sharing the blog with everyone you know and following us on Instagram @WorkRetireDie. Thank you in advance for doing the right thing.

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