Work.Retire.Die.

It’s officially the start of summer and that means one thing – it’s time for the Jersey Shore. Like anyone young professional in New York City with an ounce of self-respect, I will be doing a share-house in Manasquan this summer. Yes, the same share house that teens broke into last summer and smoked our weed, drank our booze, and ate our ice cream. We got a new key and lockbox so it is officially the safest place in New Jersey.

In honor of going DTS for MDW, I have decide to combine my two passions of mocking my coworkers and blacking out on Double Spring Lakers for to deliver the definitive guide to the personalities of each Jersey Shore bar. Please note, these are only bars in the greater Manasquan area. Seaside is for scum and Avalon is for Philly trash (Princeton is a fun time though)

Let’s get into it.

D’Jais, Belmar – DJ the Douchebag Salesguy

DJ is a guy who you gotta be in the mood for. He walks around the office with his hair gelled and his shirt undone at least 2 buttons too many. You can hear the house music blasting out his headphones from 3 desks away. After every sale, he pounds his chest and yells ‘fucking deals bro!’ to no one in particular. Every time he sends an email he says ‘whoosh’ out loud. He drinks at least 2 protein shakes a day at his desk.

At the same time, he’s a shot of adrenaline directly to the veins. Sometimes, when the office is sleepy and morale is low, you need a DJ to walk around and call people pussies for going home at 5. He’s your friend at the happy hour who’s always down to go to another bar once the bosses leave. Say yes to DJ.

Bar A, Lake Como; Barry From Accounting 

Barry sits on the other side of the office. You hear good things, especially from the new hires who just graduated, but he’s just a little too far away for you to really get to know him. You tried to hang out with him once, but he was weirdly suspicious and asked you for 3 forms of ID and bailed once you couldn’t say the alphabet backwards. He’s good at what he does but he’s great at one thing – his weekly Tuesday report ‘Beat the Clock.’

Parker House, Sea Girt; Parker from Finance 

This guy’s the fucking man. You want to hate him because he wears boat shoes to the office and his dad definitely got him this job, but he’s just too damn likable. He’s cool with everyone in the office and has at least 4 mutual friends with you and everyone you’ve ever met.   He’s good at everything he does, whether it’s Excel pivot tables, giving presentations or throwing house parties in God’s Basement.

He’s on the fast track for upper management, but has gotten a little too comfortable around the office. Turns out, the only person who doesn’t like Parker House is HR. He’s on probation right now, which is technically his fault but honestly kind of bullshit. We’ll see if he stays on his best behavior, but you kind of hope he doesn’t.

Osprey Nightclub, Manasquan; Otis from Corporate Strategy 

He’s a goddam closer. Otis is Parker’s partner in crime in every negotiation. Parker does all the work at the beginning of the day, then Otis comes at at the 11th hour and finishes the deal. He’s highly efficient and a well oiled machine – sure he has a long line of people waiting to meet with him, but he always keeps it moving briskly and effectively.  You go to karaoke one night and he sings everything from emo to Blink 182 to hardcore rap. He also makes absolute bank of his side hustles, including a liquor store and a shitty hotel that barely has running water but costs $350/a night.

Leggets, Manasquan; Larry from Corporate Strategy

He’s been at the company for 45 years. He’s a grumpy old man who always acts pissed off that you’re talking to him, but you can tell he’s secretly excited that he’s still cool. He’s a bit mellower and exactly who you want to eat lunch with on a Monday and ease yourself into the week. He knows you’re only hanging out with him because Otis was too busy, but he doesn’t mind. He’s just chilling until he hits his pension.

Johnny Mac’s, Asbury Park; Johnny from HR

I mean, he’s fine. You usually have a good enough time hanging out. But would you go to his desk if he didn’t have free pizza from a meeting? Probably not.

Tiki Bar, Long Branch; Tania the Admin

Tania is 47 but sneaky hot. You always thought she was kind of flirting with you but brushed it off as friendliness. That is until you’re at a random going away party for your boss and she starts chatting you up after a few drinks. Before you know it, you’re making out in an Uber and texting your roommate to see if he’s home. You never speak of it to each other again, but she gives you a sly smiles every time you pass her desk.

If you run into me down the shore, please do the right thing and buy me 1-7 Bud Lights. I’ll be the handsome fellow wearing an SSBD on the 2:46 train from Penn this afternoon drinking a tall boy. Can’t miss me.