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How to Impress Your Office Crush While Working Remote

It’s Valentine’s Day this Sunday, and if you’re reading this blog, you’re most likely going to die alone. Nothing personal, it’s just a statistical likelihood.

Realistically, your last shot at finding happiness is through the most tantalizing type of love – an office romance. With the pandemic raging on and most offices still at 100% remote, it can be a challenge to woo your work crush from afar. Luckily, we’re here to help with our 5 fool-proof tips for virtual seduction and courtship this year.

How to Impress Your Crush Over Zoom

Jim would’ve had zero shot to steal Pam away from her loyal trusting fiancee over Zoom or Slack.

5. Weaponize Sexy Foods for Virtual Foreplay

Got a lunch meeting over Zoom? Toss out that boring salad and have a plate of two dozen oysters. Not only are they a natural aphrodisiac, but it will prove your ability to slurp effectively, which as we all know is essential in any modern courtship. If you don’t have easy access to a fish market, chocolate covered strawberries will do in a pinch. Also consider a full plate of spaghetti to help create a Lady in the Tramp vibe, but only if you’re confident in your twirling abilities. There is absolutely no bigger turn off than someone who has to use a spoon to twirl. 

4. Prove Your Parenting Skills

Personally, I find it very annoying when people bring a baby onto the Zoom. I don’t care about your child – it  can barely speak, which makes meaningful conversation or even small talk extremely one-sided and draining. However, I’ll admit that the presence of a baby is a huge opportunity to prove your parenting skills to your work crush.

If the baby is crying, make sure you scold them very loudly and sternly. Your crush will immediately respect your disciplinarian approach to child-rearing and start dreaming of a life together. If you’re lucky enough to have the true parent begin feeding the child over Zoom, make sure you’re criticizing whichever baby food they’re using and recommend a new brand from a mommy-blog you’ve read. This will take a bit of research, but it’s worth it. Your crush will admire your dedication to staying up to date on trends in early-childhood nutrition and will rest easy knowing that your future spawn will be well-nourished, healthy children.

Hey Bill, why don’t you train your kid a little better bud?

3. Flaunt Your Physical Fitness

The important thing to remember is you’re not seeing them in person for at least 3 months, so you don’t need to actually get in shape. You do need to create the appearance of a physically fit person though.

Make sure you’re wearing exercise clothing in at least 40% of meetings. You don’t need to actually work out, but feel free to take a glass of water and pour it on your face and the nape of your neck before the meeting. This will create the illusion of sweat. Even better, if you can catch the right lighting, the fake sweat will glisten and shimmer, blinding your crush with a radiance that will seduce them within seconds.

Another tactic is to just constantly talk about how you’re training for a marathon. You don’t have to actually run it, but that’s perfectly fine since your crush couldn’t attend anyways. On the day of your ‘marathon,’ just turn on the Nike tracker app and drive around slowly for like 6-10 hours until you reach 26.2 miles and can send them a screenshot. Again, a little extra work, but nothing is more attractive than a long-distance endurance running.

2. Charm them at the Zoom Happy Hour

In a normal world, your best flirting is done at the bar after 5-7 drinks on the company tab. It can be a challenge, but you can still recapture some of that magic virtually at everyone’s favorite event – the ‘totally optional’ Zoom Happy Hour.

After your crush has finished their first drink, offer to ‘buy their next round.’ This will get mild chuckles from everyone in the group and establish you as the funniest person alive. If they’ve put down 3 or more White Claws, ask they if they ‘need you to call them an Uber home’ or something else that’s totally hilarious and will probably embarrass them. The point is, the more you are openly flirting with them, the better. The goal is to make everyone else on the Zoom uncomfortable.

Has anyone ever enjoyed themselves in one of these?

1. Prove You Can Defend Their Honor

Every person looks at a potential mate and asks themselves one question – can they beat up my dad? That’s just the rules of nature people. Virtually, there’s really only one way to prove to your crush that you can defend them in any sort of physical altercation or armed conflict.

Convince your roommate to barge into your room in the middle of a call, pretending to be a burglar. Proceed to beat the living shit out of them as your coworkers watch in horror. If they can wield some sort of knife or fake gun for you to disarm, that’s ideal but simple hand to hand combat should still work.

One quick tip if you’re using this tactic – please make sure that your video is actually on when you execute this. I’ve had to pummel my roommate to within an inch of their lives multiple times because I accidentally had my camera off. Sure it was an honest mistake and could’ve happened to anyone, but you want to avoid those kind of mix-ups when possible.

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