Predicting the Next Historic Event to Occur in 2021
This has truly been an incredible start to the year. If it feels like there’s a new, earth-shattering event that happens every Wednesday, that’s because well, that’s exactly what’s going on.
Like most things, this is best explained in meme form.
Turns out that unleashing the greatest source of information ever known to mankind on a world that has been cooped up for almost a full year is going to lead to some interesting side effects. Here’s a quick visual of how we got to this week’s unprecedented GameStop, Reddit, and Wall Street collab using one of my favorite memes formats, the domino effect.
Instead of crying about how I forgot to invest and missed out on this week’s get rich quick scheme, I’ve decided to turn my focus to the future, and try to predict the historic event that will happen next Wednesday.
Which Historic Event Will Happen Next Wednesday?
Climate Change is Fixed
The planet is burning and that totally sucks. Hopefully, Earth will still be a thing in 20 years, but that will only happen if we make some serious changes. The US re-joining the Paris Climate Agreement is a good start. But it’s not enough. How will we fix global warming in the next 5 days? The answer is simple and has nothing to do with ozone layers, Greta Thurnberg or Al Gore, inventor of the Internet.
The answer lies in the power of dance. Let me explain.
This week has proven that when we all work together, we can topple any man-made toxicity in the world, whether it’s Wall Street or global warming accelerated by centuries of pollution and spray on sunscreen. Thanks to the Cotton Eye Joe and Tik Tok, humanity has learned the power of coordinated group dances. If we can weaponize Reddit, we can weaponize Tik-Tok and create a global movement where we all dance the Cha Cha Slide simultaneously. If everyone does the Charlie Brown at the same exact time, the vibrations will be so seismic that we can tilt the axis of this planet away from the Sun and save our world.
Government Raises the Minimum Wage
This has been in talks for a long time and it seems like we are close. Biden’s begun the conversation and started the push for an increase to $15/hr in the Senate. It’s about time we closed the income gap in this country and as someone’s whose still pretty poor, I would love to see rich people continue to suffer. Once I become rich, I’ll probably change my tune but whatever.
So, how are we going to get here? Will the Senate finally learn how to work together to pass legislation that will help Americans? Will the country unite under a common cause to help all workers make a living wage? Can we just print more money? Not exactly.
That’s right, we will have Mason Ramsay, the Walmart yodelling kid to thank for this progressive movement. As we all know, the leadership of our country is made up of mainly old people. And anyone who has had to explain Reddit to their parents this week knows that old people are way behind Internet trends. It’s not their fault (I’ll probably be the same when I’m a parent) it’s just a fact. This week, I fully expect Mitch McConnell to finally catch up on Mason Ramsay’s discography and the 2014 Alex from Target craze, come to his senses, and raise the minimum wage to keep supporting the retail economy.
Wake up pea-brains. Aliens exist in this universe and they have for centuries. They helped build the pyramids and tried to prank us with monoliths last month. This should not be news to all of you.
The real news is that next week, they will likely reveal themselves to our species and save us from ourselves. Why? They will have finally determined that we’re worth saving.
Mr. Ford had no idea the global chain of events we would set in motion when he created the automobile industry. Sure, it led to the invention car insurance, accelerating the rise of Progressive and leading to their incredible line of ‘Don’t Become Your Parents’ commercials. That was definitely appreciated but is a story for a different time. No, the greatest ripple effect of the Model-T was teens learning how to drive, inspiring Olivia Rodrigo to make the planet weep and aliens finally accepting that humanity might not be so bad after all.
US Economy Collapses
I feel like the economy has collapsed like 10 time in my lifetime but I’m not really a finance guy. Despite what you think, next week’s collapse will have nothing to do with the stock market or GameStop. It will have everything to do with the one commodity that Americans are absolutely addicted to – mattresses.
Planking, also known as ‘extreme lying down,’ was easily the most confusing Internet trend of all time, followed closely by the Harlem Shake. However, it forced companies around the world to recognize that people will go to incredible lengths to lie down anywhere they like. Mattress Firm, the money-laundering company disguised as a mattress store, seized on this opportunity over 10 years ago and has been slowing building a global empire. Soon, the dollar will be replaced by the mattress pad, hammocks will cease to exist and Sleepy’s will be a global superpower on the scale of Russia or China. It’s inevitable and all we can do is go along for the ride.