Paul’s Final Letter to the Corinthians
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This will be my final letter. I’ve now sent over a dozen letters to your village, writing of the various good deeds and teachings of Jesus Christ, the son of God, King of Kings, and Savior of Mankind. I have yet to receive a response.
I consider myself a pious, hopeful man, but I am forced to conclude that you simply do not care to learn about a man who has quite literally risen from the dead. How silly of me to think that you, a village of pagans and blasphemers, would be interested in a Messiah sent to save humanity from eternal damnation! My mistake! It seemed natural to me that any normal person would enjoy reading of a prophet who has performed countless miracles, from curing leprosy to raising Lazarus from the dead to walking on water. How ridiculous of me to make such an assumption! I must have misjudged!
You don’t care. So be it. But at least have the common decency to respond. I spend hours crafting these letters, not to mention the cost of postage and chariot delivery. Do you know how much an apostle gets paid? Trick question – we don’t. I have to work two side jobs just to afford Bethlehem rent, which has soared since the Romans gentrified. Regardless, it’s just plain rude.
Your disregard is so blatant that, for a time, I began to wonder if you were even receiving my correspondences. Maybe I had the address wrong? But after paying 2 gold coin for shipping confirmation on my most recent postage (the equivalent of a week’s worth of loaves and fishes for a man who again, makes no salary) my suspicions were confirmed. You are indeed receiving each and every letter that I send.
I just…don’t get it. Is it me? I realize I’m probably like the 3rd or 4th most famous apostle. You probably would respond to a letter from Judas. Yes, he betrayed Jesus, but at least he has cool tunics, charisma, and a real job. I’m just some humble servant of the Lord who will be remembered for eternity for my passion and devotion. But nice guys finish last, I guess.
To be clear, I’m doing fine. I write letters to plenty of other (better!) villages all the time. Just last week, I had a lovely correspondence with the Galatians. They were interested in Christianity, but just didn’t have the bandwidth to take on another monotheistic religion right now. That’s fine Galatians! All good by me! I can be a very laid-back guy when people show me common courtesies.
It’s not that I really care.It’s just like, Peter has his whole deal and I’m trying to carve out my own niche. Do I wish Jesus had toldme “on this rock I shall build my Church” instead of him? Of course. But he didn’t. And so I write. And hope.
You’ll see. Someday, I’ll publish all these letters in the Bible. We’ll call it the NEW testament. And your great-great-great-great grandchildren will be forced to half-heartedly read it out loud at their First Communion or Confirmation or something.
I’m sorry. That last part was mean. You just make me feel so crazy sometimes. For a while, I held out hope that your village just simply didn’t know how to read. After all, it is 64 AD and the literacy rates is like 4%. But then I was going through the mail at the apostle house and saw you’d written a letter to John the Baptist. It crushed me. What does he have that I don’t? I’m sorry I can’t cleanse you of original sin like he can. That’s just not my style.
Would it be weird if I came to visit? I would have to update my passport and get a visa from Emperor Augustus, but it should be fine. I just feel like it’d be better if we talked in person. Let me know.
Your faithful servant,
Paul (The Apostle)