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Proposed CDC Guidelines that Will Motivate People to Get Vaccinated

What a week for the world being back. The CDC released new guidelines for those who are fully vaccinated, including opening up indoor and outdoor gathering restrictions and loosening mask policies while Mayor DiBlasio announcing a planned full re-opening of NYC by July 1st. You really do love to see it, but unfortunately there’s still 1 in 5 Americans still refuse to receive a medically approved medication with minimal side effects that can only benefit society. Very cool guys, thank you.

The problem is, we’re not motivating the anti-vaxxers enough. Sure, it’s great to not wear a mask but these people weren’t doing that anyways. We need to make the benefits so sick that they have no choice but to get that Fauci Ouchie (vaccine.)

I’ve decided to help out the CDC by proposing some additional guidelines for fully vaccinated people that I think will do just that.

Before He Became Dr. Anthony Fauci, 'Fauch' Led His H.S. Basketball Team |  Only A Game
“Holy shit this Work Retire Die guy may know what he’s talking about” Yeah Dr. Fauci, I do. You’re not the only smart person alive you little elf man. Now shut up and listen.

People Who are Fully Vaccinated Can Now…

1. Decline Any Meeting Before 12 on a Monday and after 12 on a Friday

This is a nice perk that can encourage people to start going back to the office or even just enjoy work from home a little bit more. I have long been a proponent of Winter Mondays and Summer Fridays, but this initiative goes a step further and makes this a year-long protocol. Plus, it has the added benefit of making all the anti-vaxxers jealous as fuck, because they HAVE to attend meetings during those periods. Even worse, theymeetings are all touchbases with people talking over each other and grilling you on project updates that you’re wildly unprepared for.

Other Proposed Office Benefits for Vaccinated People Include:

  • Very Casual Wednesdays Policy (Sweatpants mandatory)
  • Ability to ignore any emails that don’t bring them joy
  • Exemptions from all mandatory HR trainings
  • Early access to the best snacks before other people steal them
  • Can read everyone else’s Slacks to see if they’re talking shit about them.

2. Use COVID as an Excuse For Plans They Don’t Want to Attend Once a Month

You have to think that this is one of the reasons that people aren’t getting vaccinated. Without a doubt, one of the best parts of COVID was the ease in which you could avoid plans you didn’t want to take part in. Things like ‘seeing family this weekend’ or ‘someone I had dinner with just tested positive’ were not only valid reasons to bail on an event, but also pretty easy lies to make up that no one would think to challenge you on. Now that everyone is vaxxed up, they have to finally get drinks with all those people they talked about ‘totally catching up once all this madness is over.’ It’s enough to make you want a new strain.

Hopefully the CDC can be a little flexible and allow people at least one excuse a month without having to make up a cousin’s baby shower or fake a cold. It doesn’t count as a lie if the government says you can do it.

You guys get this right? Like lying is bad and will kill you? These new guidelines will literally save your life. Just saying.

3. Talk About The Side Effects from the Second Dosage to Anyone Who Will Listen

People are doing this anyways, but it’d be nice if the government were to formally put this into writing and maybe even legislature.  Man, oh man is there nothing better than a nice second vaccine conversation. “Oh you got Moderna? Heard that one is a little rougher than Pfizer.” “Yeah my arm hurt after the first one, but the second one? Phew that knocked me on my butt for about 18 hours!” “Yeah it’s weird but, I got adult pink eye right after the shot. Didn’t know that was a side effect.” (That last one may just be me)

The CDC should be promoting the hell out of this as one of the benefits of the vaccine. Who gives a shit that you’re 98% immune to COVID?  You know what people really want? An amazing small talk topic that will last at least 2 – 3 weeks. Those don’t just come around every day.

4. Report their Credit Card as Stolen after Spending Their Life Savings at the Bar

Listen. It’s not easy getting used to going to bars again. You can’t just sit there and slug 11 beers like you do from the comfort of your home. I mean you can, but it’s going to run a pretty significant sum that will likely ruin you financially. And now that curfews are being lifted, we’re starting to transition from the day drinking we’ve had in the past to the most dangerous kind of partying imaginable…rallying after day drinking and going out at night (check out tips for how to do this here.)

Let’s have some compassion for degenerates everywhere and ease the financial burden on the poor souls who don’t have their sea legs yet. Plus, everyone wins here. The bars still get their money and I’m sure the banks will understand. They seem like pretty reasonable people usually.

5. Wear A Mask Outdoors if They Don’t Want to Feel Pressure to Smile at People on the Street   

Wearing a mask is actually kind of dope sometimes. It kept you warm in the winter and in the summer, it’s a great way to avoid eye contact from a crazy person in the subway or pretend you don’t see the friend of a friend who’s next to you in line at Starbucks. Masks rule and it’s time that we start promoting the benefits of them beyond ‘preventing the spread of infectious disease.’ No one gives a shit about that stuff “President Biden.”

Also, with these policies, you can still wear a mask to kiss people. I’m not sure why you would (maybe you’re scared of mono or don’t have any lips?) but the option is available. Take it or leave it.

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