How to Avoid Doing Work for 15 Years
Huge news everyone – we have a new unofficial Work Retire Die brand ambassador. It’s this brave hero from the great country of Italia (this is Italian for the word “Italy”)
This icon stays true to the two main tenets of Work Retire Die’s corporate philosophy
1) Never work harder than you have to
2) Milk every single drop of benefits from your employer as possible.
To celebrate this brave soul’s remarkable accomplishments, we will be sharing our foolproof tips for avoid work without getting fired. Please note, if you actually want to advance in your career, stop reading now. This is for the slackers who are just here for the paycheck and vibes.
How to Avoid Work Without Getting Fired
1. Ignore 80% of Your Job Tasks
This might sound high, but realistically, you can get away with straight up ignoring the majority of your responsibilities for years without anyone noticing.
Here are some tasks you can easily avoid.
- Replying to group emails where you are not addressed directly.
- Yes, there will be many situations where you technically should respond. But if you’re not addressed by name, feel free to go radio silent. If they really need you, they’ll follow up.
- Deliverables that no one follows up with you on.
- If you have a weekly report that you’re supposed to send out, try skipping it for one week. If no one says anything, just stop doing it altogether. It was probably stupid busy work anyways that no one actually needs.
- Participating in calls with more than 3 people on them.
- Chime in and say hello at the beginning and then smash that mute button and do whatever the hell you please. Goes without saying, but you should make it clearly known that you have camera issues and can’t join any video calls. That’s day 1 shit.
This might be challenging at first but after a solid 6 months, you’ll have set the bar so low that people will be pleasantly surprised when you go “above and beyond” by doing tasks that are the basis of your entire job. Which leads us to our next point…
2. Pick the Right Tasks to Do Well
After you’ve successfully shirked 80% of your tasks, you need to make sure that the 20% that you do execute are both the right tasks and performed well.
Some criteria for determining the work you should actually do.
- Did An Important Person Ask You to Do It?
- Depending on your position, this is really just your boss or maybe some sort of VP in another department. Sorry coworker who needs a favor, but I’m not your guy. Try the new hire whose still sucking up to everyone.
- Will an Important Person Eventually See it?
- Usually slides for a QBR deck or an email to a large group of stakeholders, the goal here is to not fuck it up. The last thing you want is a Director asking ‘wait why are there typos on this slide’ in the middle of a presentation or your boss’s boss telling you that your numbers are wrong for a monthly report.
- Is it Something You Can Do Well With No Effort?
- Even if important people won’t see it, this is your chance to convince people you’re good at your job. This is most effective when you’ve been at a company for a few years and can just use slides from a deck you made 18 months ago that they haven’t seen or forgot about.
3. Never Reveal Any Personal Information About Yourself
The trickiest one on this list but absolutely necessary. Your goal is to be the most forgettable person in the company. Someone whose coworkers will say stuff like “Oh yeah, I know Jim. Is he in accounts payable? Does he still work here?” when they talk about you. A ghost if you will.
The simple fact is that being developing close bonds with your coworkers will make them pay attention to you and eventually realize you don’t do shit. Even worse, if you start to care for your colleagues, you’ll feel bad for slacking so much and start giving 40% effort, which is simply inexcusable. It sounds like a miserable experience, but we’re not here to make friends. We’re here to make a middle class salary (and benefits) without applying ourselves in the slightest.
4. Don’t Put Your Vacation or Sick Days in Writing Anywhere
If your company tracks your PTO, you should quit on the spot. Most places have a vacation policy that’s based on the honor system. Well, the honor system is for suckers and squares, especially when it comes to Corporate America. You should view your allocated vacation and sick days as mere guidance instead of actual rules, even if it’s not the case. Let’s use the example of the standard vacation policy of two weeks.
How Many Days of Vacation Should I Be Using? At least 14. Technically two weeks vacation is only ten days of actual work (because they’re “business days”) but you can just lie and say you didn’t know that if anyone asks.
Should I Ask My Boss For Permission To Use Them? No sir. Inform them that you’re going on vacation and will be unreachable for the better part of the month. This is not a request bub.
Do I Put Time on Their Calendars So They Know I’m OOO? No, if you can avoid it. If they ask you to then you have no choice, but once you return from your trip, go back to your calendar and delete the event. Your goal is to have zero record of how blatantly you abused the vacation policy in case HR comes calling.
How Often Should I Call in Sick? Every other week. Avoid Fridays or Mondays but a nice Wednesday to yourself never hurt anyone.
5. Physically Threaten Your Boss With Violence If They Report You
Don’t actually do this. This is what our Italian friend did and I think that’s why he’s going to jail. No one’s perfect. We still support him.