Work.Retire.Die.

Today’s blog from Intern Tavi, who somehow forgot that he’s had a job for the last few months at the world’s #1 site for people who hate their jobs (this website)

While applying to my most recent internship, an idea dawned on me: I have no applicable job experience to any job that I could apply for. Until now, my life has consisted of “working” as a full-time student, living on my parents’ dime, and spending more time binge drinking than reading, studying, or learning at all. The rejections and lack of responses from companies made me realize that it wasn’t the companies’ fault for not hiring me–it was mine. So how was I going to get noticed by any potential employers? While my housemates all prepared for their summer jobs and internships, I sat wondering how I could land a similar job. Then I thought of what might be my key to potential employment: my resume.

Crafting a Resume with No Applicable Job Experience

My resume reflects my real-life applicable experience–which is basically nothing. As a college student, my resume lives in a strange transitional stage of trying to pretend that I’m an adult and having no degrees or previous real jobs. But here’s the trick I’ve discovered: you don’t have to have real experiences to get hired…

The GPA

Let’s start with that GPA right at the top of your resume. You’re going to want to bump that baby up significantly. Are you looking at a 3.2? Or a 2.8? No worries–that can be a 3.8 or a 3.9. If you think that a potential employer will ask for your college transcript or proof of your GPA, you’re losing.

Job “Experience”

Job experience is next. Let’s say you worked as a food delivery driver, maybe working for Postmates or as a pizza delivery driver. You probably did. If you’re in the college-age range these days, chances are you were broke enough to take a job working for Grubhub or some other equally easy, beer-money level salary company. But here’s a hint. Feel free to change “food delivery worker” to “Essential Delivery Worker.” Throw in “during the COVID-19 outbreak” for extra points. Speaking of job experience, any high school job can sound professional with a few key phrase changes. Use words like “reliable, timely, trustworthy,” to mean that you made it to your shifts even when you showed up hungover as all hell.

Volunteer Experience

Any volunteer experience? No? Doesn’t matter. Any random service or volunteer programs from high school or college will work. Use words like “passionate, caring, collaborative,” because that one afternoon of volunteering in high school should seem like your life’s calling.

I know what you’re thinking–does this actually work? It can feel scummy and immoral to lie to potential employers. But allow me to show you the success of this strategy.

A couple of weeks ago, I applied for an online blog, writing blog posts about college life. For the sake of the company, let’s call this blog “Twerk. Rehire. Fly.” Unbeknownst to this blog, my altered resume reflected complete dishonesty–I had truly done nothing that I had claimed I had done! Today, I work for that same blog, making thousands of dollars a year, and competing to inherit the company as CEO. This method works.