Work.Retire.Die.

*Editor’s Note: I am sort of excited to announce our latest guest writer: Global Intern.  This young man provides a fresh new voice as our first recent college grad and only Sagittarius writer. Also, he is my younger brother. Don’t get your hopes up though- there’s a reason he is not named “Content Prince.” Much like Eli Manning and Luke Wilson, he tries but he’s just not as good as his older brother. For example, we had to co-write this because he can’t ever do anything for himself. Anyways, enjoy. 

The 2018 Office Worker Draft – Full Recap

Folks, it’s late April/early May which means the intersection of the two best times of the year – draft season and job recruiting season. The sports world is abuzz with way too detailed pre and post-draft analysis. In the working world, LinkedIn recruiters are losing their goddam minds as fresh college grads seek their first jobs and seasoned desk slaves switch companies and get undeserved promotions. In the Internet world, we call this Peak Content season. 

Luckily, this coincides with a time of need for both the Content King and Global Intern. We are in hiring season and need new employees like yesterday. As such, we will be drafting a team of workers that I’m sure you’re familiar with from your own office. If not, I don’t care – just please don’t write anything hurtful in the comments. I will destroy you physically, professionally, and personally. Just a heads up.

THE TEAMS

Company: Work Retire Die

Ticker: WRD ($69, +6.9, 10%)

What Is It: Work Retire Die is easily the most successful website on the World Wide Internet.com.

Owner, CEO, Warrior Poet: Content King

Team Needs: As traffic soars on-site, desperate advertisers continue to come knocking and begging for a piece of the WRD pie. As such, we need to take on 5 employees. As a newer organization, we have holes everywhere and are drafting both for talent and for fit. The only criteria is that our workers are pretty hot (but not hotter than me), smart (but not enough to make me look bad) and are willing to bend the knee. Also must be iPhone users.

Company: INSIGHT WORLDWIDE

Stock Ticker: IW ($6.9, -100, -66%)

What Is It: Insight Worldwide strategically aligns in-depth, hands-on client facing deep dives to shift the paradigm of an ever changing industry across multiple sectors and geographies while maintaining core values.

Last Remaining Employee: Global Intern

Team Needs: So I have no idea what our product actually is. It might be recruiting but it could also be something to do with financial services. Long story short, I started here two months ago and the FBI showed up last week. Not really clear why but everyone on my team just quit or was indicted so it’s probably not great. Anyways, we have no employees so here we are. I’m an ideas guy and I’m pretty lazy so we’re going to need a lot of executors on this squad. 

ROUND 1

WRD: Hardo Harry

As owner and proprietor of the site, I obviously get the first pick and I swung for the fences. Hardo Harry tries really really hard at his job. He is constantly logged on to his work computer and always seems to be sending emails on weekends or after 6 pm during the week. He also sets up 9 am or 5 pm meetings which might be necessary but also like come on dude. He’s the kind of guy who will send out articles from the WSJ to a work email chain with subject lines like “Fun Read!” or  “Very relevant to the project we are working on now!” Also, he’s probably the only person alive who presses pound and says his name on a conference call. Everything he does straddles the line between helpful and annoying as fuck. If he’s smart and talented, he’ll be my workhorse #2 in 6 months. If he sucks at his job, he’ll be the biggest pain in my ass of all time. This is a full Josh Allen pick – boom or bust.

Insight Worldwide: Edward Excel

As I mentioned before, I’m what you call a “soft skills” guy — I prefer to come up with ideas then never revisit them or do any concrete work to execute on them. That’s why I had to draft by need here — give me Edward Excel. The guy’s an absolute wizard at shit like Excel, CRM, Microsoft Access, pretty much every backend system that normal people have no idea how to use. Not Edward. You have a question about why you’re getting an error in Excel? Easy — go ask Edward. Your stupid SAP software isn’t bending to your needs? Edward’s your guy. Now there’s definitely some red flags– personal hygiene, eye contact, likability, and a general ability to speak to anyone in the human race are all traits he does not possess. He’ll also take 15 minutes explaining the origins of CRM to you when all you want is for him to just press a couple buttons and solve it, ya robot. Even if Edward’s got bodies in his basement he’s also indispensable and adds significantly more value than anyone else so stop being a dick. As long as he doesn’t figure out very quickly that this company is actually one big scam, Edward will bring us to the top.

ROUND 2:

Insight Worldwide: Derek the Douchebag Salesman

Look, I’m not in this job to “drive revenue” or “achieve goals”, I’m here to have a good time and satisfy my parents just enough that they’ll leave me alone. Edward allows me to keep my job, now Derek allows me to have some fun. Having said that, he’s definitely a polarizing character. He’s way too aggressive in every aspect of his life – he’s always yelling on the phone about how his “fucking deal better not blow up because of this” and he’s on his last strike with HR violations—but he’ll also be fun to shoot the shit with and when you go on business trips he’ll stay with you at the bar after everyone else has gone to bed. His incessant douchebaggery will be exhausting (we get it, you played lacrosse at Trinity, it’s not that sick) but he’ll be positive in the long run. He’ll make a ton of money for the company, introduce you to hot girls, and since he worships Jordan Belfourt he’ll probably embrace the fact IW is a scam. Derek’s a winner with baggage, aka Baker Mayfield.

WRD: Laid Back Larry

After taking Hardo Harry in Round 1, I needed a more chill persona to balance out the team dynamic and landed the ultimate cool manager. Larry is the best – he lets you work from home whenever you want and treats vacation days as a guideline more than a hard and fast rule. He’s hands-off and realizes that work is important but it’s not your entire world. The only problem is, he’s a little tooo laid back. You’re friends with him, but at the end of the day, it’d be nice to have an actual leader to look up to. Laid Back Larry can be nice for a little while but can stagnate your career. Nevertheless, he’s got talent, and at WRD we’re confident that once we get him in the right system and have him work with our coaching staff, he’ll realize his full potential.

ROUND 3

WRD: Happy Hour Helen

This was an absolute steal for me in the third round here at WRD Headquarters. Happy Hour Helen is about as peppy as they come and is sort of hot in a girl next door/class president kind of way. She’s the ultimate party organizer, whether it’s cake for someone’s birthday or a surprisingly fun happy hour once every few weeks. She’s a great person to get lunch with, since she always has a cool new spot to try. Ultimately, she fell down draft boards due to questions like “does she actually do any work” or “how does she have this much time?” Also, some GMs were a little weirded out that she was friends with everybody in the office on LinkedIn AND Instagram. Ultimately, I decided that I’ll take a B- job performance for A+ party planning skills – God know I’m not going to set that shit up myself.

Insight Worldwide: Intimidating Isabelle

I’m just going to say it ahead of time, Isabelle and I will have a contentious relationship. We’re opposites. But, as the great Gandhi once said “opposites attract and you should draft Isabelle in your fake office draft”. Message received, Gandhinator. Isabelle is a micromanager in every sense of the word. She cares about the little things: her comments on your decks are about tiny formatting error or font sizes, expense reports are to be completed perfectly and by the book (this is where I make up most of my weekend spending so this will be tricky), and she makes the whole team do all of the bullshit online training sessions together. Hey Isabelle, no need to push your OCD on us, leave that at home. Even though you feel like a robot and don’t have much flexibility working under Isabelle, you’ll actually become a better worker and attention to detail is nothing to scoff at — read any job description. She’s also right 95% of the time. Damnit. Third round is about building your team for the long run, so Isabelle is the right choice here — summer Fridays be damned.

ROUND 4

Insight Worldwide: Fresh Out of College Frank

This is a huge risk-reward pick but it’s crucial to rounding out the team. Frank is similar to Hardo Hank in that he’ll go above and beyond because he wants to make a good impression. The difference is he doesn’t know any better and he’s more fun to be around and shoot the shit with. You get to hand Frank shitty projects under the guise that it will be a “valuable learning experience” for him and he’ll thank you for the opportunity. The risk is that Frank truly doesn’t really know anything and doesn’t know how to act in an office setting yet. He overdresses all week (it’s business casual man, save the Brooks Brothers blazer for Easter Sunday) and then will show up on Friday in shorts somehow thinking that’s acceptable. When you rehash the weekend he’ll range from not telling you anything because he wants to be taken seriously to recounting how he threw up on a girl’s back at the bar. Take it easy bud, I was just asking to be nice. Either way, he’s worth the risk for the upside and to keep me sane while trying to deal with Isabelle and Edward when I’m hungover during a Friday morning training session. I’ll take a flyer on him hoping for the best: the Lamar Jackson of this draft (probably better suited for college, will likely have to switch industries or his entire personality if he wants to last)

WRD: Shares Too Much Sherryl

The 4th round is where you look for value picks and I took a chance on our friend Sherryl. There are red flags abound with Sherryl that scared a lot of companies off – talks way too loud on the phone while sitting next to you, cries at least once a quarter, gossips endlessly, etc. Is it weird that you know everything about her childhood (not as troubled as she claims), food allergies (“gluten”) and dating life (she’s on her 4th boyfriend since you started)? Yes. But do you somehow find yourself invested and actually wanting to know how her conversation with Darron went? Also yes. Plus, she can actually be very helpful when you need something from her. You just have to talk to her for 20 minutes first. At the end of the day, she’ll breaks up the monotony, is constant entertainment and makes you feel like you’re working with actual human beings. We’ll take a flyer on her. 

ROUND 5

WRD: Checked Out Chuck

Talent can be hard to find in the last rounds, but every once in a while you strike gold and find your Tom Brady. This is probably not Chuck. He was once a talented worker, but is now completely checked out mentally and emotionally. He could be 6 months from retirement, openly applying for new jobs, studying for the LSAT or all of the above. Every time you glance at his screen, he either has LinkedIn open or is taking a practice GMAT test. The only time he’s not comically underdressed is when he rolls in at 10:30 am, clean shaven and wearing a full suit, claiming he was at a doctor’s appointment, even though his resume is clearly sticking out of his bag. He’s still going to do his job because he’s a good dude and wants a recommendation, but you really can’t rely on him. However, he’s never going to make extra work for you and he’s always willing to talk shit on every one in the office- he truly does not give a fuck anymore. I’ll take that in the 5th round every time.

Insight Worldwide: The Boss’s Nephew

This guy kinda sucks. His title includes some combination of “Special Projects”, “Strategy” and “Consultant” but you still have no idea what he actually does. He’s clearly a rich kid who just doesn’t know how normal life works, and you can’t talk shit about the boss or complain for fear that he’ll snitch on you to the boss. But I gotta look good to the boss so I guess I’ll take him.