Work.Retire.Die.

With the recent Coronavirus panic and news that sports are being cancelled left and right, we knew that our loyal WRDies would need something to distract them from the world probably ending. To coincide perfectly with bracket season and quarantine season, we are please to announce our third annual WRD Bracket – The Best Inventions Since Sliced Bread, which is so good the NCAA literally cancelled their entire tournament because they were scared of competing with it. Cowardly but understandable.

Full write up is below, but while you’re at it go check out our previous brackets – Best Songs to Hear While You’re Drunk bracket (won by Levels, by Avivii (RIP)) and our Best Things in the World bracket (won by ‘Reuniting with Friends’)

The Rules

1. As we all know, sliced bread was invented in 1928, and led to the creation of sandwiches, toast, and bread slicers. This invention will obviously never be topped, but we’ll be trying to determine the best inventions since someone decided cutting up bread was better than eating an entire loaf. So they all must have occurred after 1928. 

2. The bracket will play out over the course of the next three weeks. New brackets will be posted every Friday and will cover results from the last TWO rounds- I would do them after each round, but I have a lot of shit going on so lay off. 

3. Voting is performed by a committee of 7 intelligent and handsome consultants. We each get 1 vote.

4. Fans vote in the Instagram Stories. Their votes count as 2 votes. Yes, this is double the value of our votes. Our love for the people know no bounds. 

5. All decisions are final and correct. If you don’t like it, that sucks. I’m sure you can think of more important things to worry about. 

The Bracket

The Regions

Everyday Items region

These are common items that you forgot were inventions. You just cannot live without these. 

The Favorite: #2 Clothing Dryer

A stacked team loaded with seniors, this perennial favorite has been in title contention since their invention in the early 1930s. Without this household item, we would be forced to hang clothes on lines like elderly women on a porch in Italy or put our wet clothes in the oven to dry them.  They’ll be a tough out.

The Dark Horse: #10 Crock-Pot

America’s #1 slow cooker is the only way to properly prepare a casserole, stew, or cut of meat. #notanad. 

The Cinderella: #12 Everything Bagel

While this team feels like they’ve been around since Moses invented the bagel, the 12 seed is a relative newcomer and was created in 1984. Since then, they’ve established themselves as the go-to breakfast item and the only true way to enjoy taylor ham, egg, cheese, and salt pepper ketchup. 

Matchup to Watch: #6 Suntan Lotion vs. #11 Bikini

A battle between two fierce rivals from the Beach items division, #11 Bikinis will face an uphill battle, as experts have called this team ‘basically just waterproof underwear.’ While the sixth seeded Suntan Lotion squad is essentially the only reason white people can go outside during the summer, they face heavy criticism for their impact on the ozone layer, general smelliness and how annoying they are to put on your back. 

First Four Out:
Air Mattresses, Electric toothbrushes, and erasable pens

Concepts Region

This region consists of ideas and cultural shifts that were pretty smart and we approve of. 

The Favorite: #1 Seed Internet

It’s going to be tough to knock off the reason that we are all reading this blog right now and the invention that led to 50% of the teams in this tournament and AddictingMathGames.com. It’s going to be even harder to deny the impact this team has had on pornography. So I won’t. Online porn is incredible. But will it be enough to advance to the finals? Probably, yes. But we’ll have to wait and see.

The Dark Horse: #6 Seed Fantasy Football

This squad was playing their best basketball earlier in the fall, but has hit a slump in recent months. Don’t count them out though, as they’re the only team that can make people care about Miami Dolphins games and help provide office small talk banter for 3 straight months. 

The Cinderella: #13 Roasting Brussel Sprouts

For years, Brussel Sprouts were considered the grossest food in the entire world, and now they are pretty good and served at every single Brooklyn brunch spot. Why? Because of this smoking hot 13 seed, which decided to stop boiling our precious baby cabbages and roast those suckers. 

Matchup to Watch:  #8 Normalization of Men Wearing Shorts vs. #9 Ski Jackets that Look Cool 

Man oh man. We have a head to head matchup of two teams that were able to take pre-existing clothing options and make them way better. #8 shorts team has been around since the 1930s, and is coming into their own after a long winter, but expect #9 Cool Ski Jackets to give them a run for their money – before this team came around in the ‘80s, there was no way to look hot when you were cold. And that’s a shame.

First Four Out:

Pluto (discovery, not an invention) and Affordable, Good Luggage. 

Cool Stuff Region

This region is for those inventions that are sick as hell, but ultimately have no real purpose besides being cool. 

The Favorite: #2 Seed Video Games 

This team is on a hot streak lately with the rise of eSports and is peaking at the right team. Their players will not be affected by the corona-virus spectator bans, as they are extremely used to competing in front of absolutely no one. 

The Dark Horse: #8 Seed Gushers

This team is loaded with talent up and down the roster from Strawberry Splash to Triple Berry Shock and fought their way out of the loaded candy division, knocking off rivals Fruit Roll-Up and Nerds Rope. However, as a snack food, experts doubt their versatility and question whether they can compete during the breakfast hours. 

The Cinderalla: #12 Block Dude Calculator Game

Coming out of the unheralded school supplies division, this team kept the graphing calculator industry alive and students awake in Geometry class. Don’t doubt their ability to make a deep run. 

Matchup to Watch: #4 Acid vs. #13 Friday Beers Instagram Account

Sure, the Acid team is pretty fucking sick in the right setting. They’re undefeated at home and always get off to a hot start. But once things start to go slightly wrong, this team is prone to spiraling and becomes an absolute nightmare. #13 Friday Beers is the strongest beer meme conference champion we’ve seen in many years. While they’re a young squad, Friday Beers is a content factory that speaks to a generation of lost 22-29 year olds trying to balance the need for adult responsibility with the need to black out, max out their credit card on tequila shots, and ruin every positive relationship in their life on a weekly basis.

First Four Out: 3D Glasses. 

These were cool at first but not worth the $7 extra for a movie ticket. Have you ever watched a 3D movie without the glasses though? Pretty wild ride not gonna lie. 

Technology Region

Technology Region

These are technological advances that were useful and cool and changed our lives forever. 

The Favorite: #1 Smartphones

TIny computers that fit in your pocket and let you talk to your loved ones, watch TV, listen to music and ignore strangers wherever you want, this team is absolutely loaded with NBA level talent and the favorite to win the entire tournament. 

The Dark Horse: #6 Penicillin

Before this team came around, people used to basically just die when they got sick. Head coach Alex Fleming dedicated his life to building a roster that will keep people alive in this broken, horrible world that God has abandoned. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.  

The Cinderella: #12 Digital Cameras

A team with one of the most revolutionary styles of play in the tournament, #12 Digital Cameras had a solid 8 year stretch in the 2000s where every single girl at a party had them hooked on their wrist. While they were eventually dethroned by top seed Smartphones, they helped usher in the convenience age and eliminated the need to go to CVS to pick up your photos 3 weeks after you actually took them. 

Matchup to Watch: #7 Birth Control Pill vs. #10 Email

The 7th seeded birth control pill was revolutionary for women’s rights and everyone who hates condoms, but faces a tough battle against an email team that has revolutionized working forever and made it possible to be passive aggressive without ever having to physically confront someone. Which is pretty cool.

First Four Out:

Powerpoint, Lasik Surgery, and Jet Engines

Don’t forget to vote on Instagram stories and follow along. New bracket next Friday.