Work.Retire.Die.

In case you missed it, a few weeks ago we covered the Citizen App and it’s ridiculousness. For those too lazy to click a goddam link, this app alerts you whenever a crime is happening around you. It’s a combination of police scanner and crimes reported by citizens like you and me. Whenever a crime is happening near you, you get an alert from the app.

The issue here is that normal people are reporting these incidents, so basically 1 out of every 10 updates is an actual crime. Below are some of the latest updates I’ve come across in my travels. They fall into the following categories

Not a Big Deals – yes this is a “crime” but does the entire city need to know about it?

Animal Related Incidents – these are incidents that have animals involved.

Not Crimes – this information is not particularly useful or would qualify as remotely a crime.

Delightful – these are why we have the app

Citizen App Updates – 5/7

Not A Big Deals:

What are we in 4th grade? It’s a bicycle. It’s worth like maybe $100 tops. We don’t need to set out a Bat-signal to the entire goddam city.

These teens man. When will they learn? Does the fact that these are teenagers make this more or less dangerous? New York City teens are either super rich and cool or super tough and street-hardened. If this is anything like the fights that happened at my high school, no punches have been thrown, 1 kid ended up crying, and everyone talked about it for the next 6 months. So I’m there – can’t be behind on the teen gossip.

Animal Related Incidents:

Are possums illegal? Like what harm can a possum really do? They are a docile creature -worst case scenario, they just play dead. I believe this is where the term “play possum” originated but I’m just the guy who got an A- in Biology sophomore year- what do I know right?

Ok so this alert was about 5 minutes after the previous alert. Now the possum has moved to Carroll Gardens. Further review on Google Maps shows this to be a 10 minute journey. That is one fast possum my friends. Or is it a different possum? Regardless, I know possums are gross but they are definitely not worth 2 updates. Also, isn’t it opossum?

Now we just wait for a hare to challenge him to a race and we’ll all learn a valuable lesson about the dangers of over-confidence and the power of slow, deliberate action.

Ok Jesus Christ there are HYENAS out there? Ever since I saw how the hyenas terrorized Simba and Nala in Lion King, I have been very anti-hyena (though I do feel bad for them after seeing how Scar treats them.) But still, how did this happen? Did the zoo just completely open their doors and say, “you know what tortoise and hyena? Go roam Manhattan.” It’s possible a zookeeper is trying to re-create the plot of Madagascar, which was a tremendous film, but better served for a fictional cartoon universe. Luckily, Citizen user lockheart is on the scene. The fact that there is no hyena in sight makes me think this may be a false alarm.

The Not-Crimes:

The war against smoking continues and is now being waged against garbage cans. Back in my day, you could smoke wherever you pleased; man, woman or trash receptor. But nowadays, the liberals have invaded and you can’t do a goddam thing. Thanks Al Gore!

This update begs the question – what was this garbage can smoking? Is he lighting up a Marlboro Red after a long day of being filled with garbage?  Not a big deal at all.  It’s a free country let the can smoke. HOWEVER- if this garbage can is smoking some reefer, that’s a different story. As well all know, marijuana is a gateway drug and we’re in the middle of an opiod epidemic that has taken our children. If it come for the garbage cans next, all hope is lost.

Best case scenario, this fella was smoking a Juul, which would make him one pretty cool garbage can. I bet he hangs with those badass fighting teens at Bowery and Rivington. If he’s having a house party when his parents are out of town, I am THERE.

What are we supposed to do with this information?

The Delightful:

If you’re not downloading this app you’re insane.