Work.Retire.Die.

Sometimes in the working world, you come across names of co-workers that are so unbelievable, you just have to Snapchat your friends about it. Our friend and collaborator Emperor Mizuno was kind enough to return to the WordPress blog and bring us some brand new ridiculous names. This time, we’ve assembled a Corporate Young Professionals Basketball Team, which kind of sucks but is still good enough to take down the Brooklyn Nets. (They suck right guys!) If you missed our original version, click here for All Names Team, softball edition.

As always, yes these names are real and yes we’re going to get playfully racist, but it’s mainly towards Europeans so it doesn’t really count. You are free to leave the blog, but please click the ads before you do.

STARTERS:

 Fergus Smail – Point Guard

This guys just sounds like a pussy. His last name is literally a combination of snail and small, which are like the opposite of what you want to be in basketball. He also may be the last person alive with the first name of Fergus. Luckily, he’s so afraid to shoot that he’ll pass it to you every time, so you can go a little nuts. 

 Franelmore St. Germain– Shooting Guard

He’s Mackelmore from France, which should make him a double loser, but actually ends up cancelling itself out. This guy is that weird foreign guy who has so little regard for social norms that you can’t tell if he’s the man, a complete psychopath, or just doesn’t understand how you’re supposed to behave in America. Regardless, he’s money from 3 and plays lock-down D so it doesn’t really matter how many cigarettes he smokes indoors or how off-putting he is towards women.  He can stay.

Lowensworth Easton Blagrove– Small forward

I mean this guy sucks. His name is literally pronounced low worth. Hard to come back from that. Also Blagrove? More like blagrant foul. Amiright or am. I. Right.

“Irish” Juliuce Gibs- Power Forward

A bruising Irish brawler who’ll scrap with guys twice his size, this fella lives up to the nickname that he weirdly includes in his email signature. Short-tempered and prone to fly off the handle, he’ll definitely rack up the flagrant fouls. But still, it’s totally worth it to see the fear in your opponent’s eyes when he steps on the court. Just don’t try telling him you don’t believe that Connor McGregor is his 3^rd cousin or that he’s spelling “Julius” completely wrong. You’ll end up right in the ER.

Russell Leopold Gumbs– Center,

A simple man, good ol’ Gumbs is as reliable as they come. He gets boards, plays solid defense, and finishes around the rim. The only problem is, he’s completely consumed with his shrimp business and won’t shut up about his friend Forrest. It’s kind of annoying to be honest.

BENCH

Flemming Beavon- 6^th man

If my name was Flemming, kill me on the spot. This guy freaking sucks farts man. The only reason he plays is because he’s cousins with Flauvin Bauvin from the softball team who owns the team. He used his uncle’s money to finance a spin-off TV series called “Beavon and Butthead,” which thankfully was a complete and utter failure.

Weeney Francois- end of the bench

I mean his name is Weeney. Plus Francois is literally French for the word “French.” Or maybe it means Francis. Either way it’s French and all French are pussies. Especially if you’re named Francis (sorry current Pope.) So he doesn’t play much.

Surinder Thind- way way end of the bench.

It’s unclear whether this guy even knows how to play basketball. He’s shot at the wrong basket enough times that he’s either blind or thinks he’s playing a different sport. But he has a huge heart: he never quits, never…surinders.

(He’s almost as bad as that joke)

STAFF

Meit Moshe– Head Coach

Meet Moshe our head coachie. It’s very hard to introduce this guy (“Meet meit”) or ask him what he wants in his burrito (“Meat meit?”)

Mary Margaret Lyons-Marlin– Asst. Coach

Lion and marlins and bears oh my! As her last name(s) suggest, Mary is literally an alpha of the land and the sea. She clearly deserves to be head coach but we simply can’t afford to pay her 60 cents on the dollar for a head coach’s salary. Maybe if she crashed the glass like she crashed the glass ceiling she’d see the floor but she wanted to call the shots on the sideline. We all make choices Mary. We all make choices.

Raju Mahboobani– athletic trainer

Rub my boobie. I get it- there’s a lot of sensitivity lately around trainers rubbing their athletes with that MSU/Olympic gymnastics coach. Still, you gotta admit – that’s a pretty funny name. Rub-my-boobie. Right? Just say it out loud. Come on.

That’s all for today loyal WRDies. We need more names for the fast approaching flag football season, when we roll out an entire 22 man team (led by defensive tackle Lionel Serge Kuate Talom.) Comment the weirdest names you’ve encountered in the work world below. Or just email me at workretiredie@gmail.com. Or DM me on Instagram or Twitter @workretiredie. Or just yell it out your window and hope I hear it. That’d be pretty crazy if I did right?