HAGS – How to Have the Best Summer Ever

It’s that time of year loyal WRDies. With Memorial Day right around the corner, it is time for you to burst from your winter cocoon and emerge into that summer butterfly that we all know lives deep inside you. Go make your mark on the world and get yourself some freaking sweet Instagrams that you can #tbt in the middle of February when it’s 11 degrees and freezing rain outside.

This post is really more geared towards post-grad ballers like myself. If you’re in college, summers are very important. You need to either have an internship, take some classes to get ahead, or go help poor people in like China so you look like you’re a good person. If you’re in high school, summer should be spent working a shitty job as like a camp counselor or lifeguard so you have enough money to buy Juuls, Chipotle and 3 Four Lokos to split between 6 of your friends in Jason’s basement. This is also the perfect time for you guys to make a pact that you will all get laid before college.

For the rest of us, summer is the time to enjoy yourself. Before you know it, you’ll have children and they’ll spend the summer stuck home bored all day and be super annoying when you get home. It’s going to totally suck ass. Take the precious few summers you have left to kick back, get drunk 5 nights a week, spend all your money travelling, and stop caring at work for 2 straight months. Summer vibes. Summmmerrrr vibes.

Below are tips for how to HAGS. Or HAGFS. Or HAKAS. Regardless, never change and we’ll be best friends forever.

Hag_Coven_1
No not these kind of hags. HAGS = Have a great summer NOT ugly old witch lady

Pro-Tip #1. Say Yes

The summer is the time to do dope shit. So when your friend or coworkers asks you if you want to go do literally anything, what do we say? YES. Why? Because we are winners on this blog and that’s what winners do.

  • Happy Hours
    • If you’re not having drinks on a rooftop or an outdoor cafe and posting a cheers boomerang on InstaStory at least twice a week, what the hell are you even doing here?
  • Weekend Trips
    • Get out of the city and go do some cool shit. Because I am cool and my friends are good at planning, I’m doing a share house down the Jersey Shore this summer. You can find me at Parker House completely blacked out for at least 5 weekends from June – September.
      • If you’re a Hamptons person, have fun sitting in traffic for 9 hours every weekend and waiting 2 hours on line to get into the same bar as Scott Disdick. No one is impressed.
  • Extended Vacations
    • This is the time of year to take a week off and go to Europe or some crazy shit like that. No one is in the office anyways.
  • Outdoor Adventures
    • It’s nice weather so go get your butts out there gang! I’m not really an outdoorsy type but I play golf so that’s fun. Guessing we don’t have a ton of hikers or kyakers on this blog, but that could be pretty fun too.

For those still unfamiliar with the concept of saying yes, there is a very helpful Jim Carrey movie that should clarify things. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll learn about the power of positivity. Everyone wins.

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It will not help you fly though. The poster is a little misleading

2. This is the Body You’re Working With

Look man, realistically you are going to be so busy saying yes to every happy hour or weekend trip that you’ll work out like 5 times this summer at the opposite max. So your “summer body” is only going to get worse. It’s not my fault you were too cold during the winter and too addicted to Fortnite during the spring to go to the gym.

For the fellas – don’t sweat it. Unless you have like a super sexy body or are super fat, it’s not going to impact your success with girls one way or the other. Just wear a shirt at all times and turn off the lights when things get intimate. We’re personality guys on this blog anyways : )

For the ladies- I’m sorry but guys are a just a bit more superficial and your body matters a little bit more. I didn’t make the rules I just comment on them. Just tell them you read WRD and they’ll know you’re a cool chick and make you their girlfriend and kiss you every day forever.

If you do have a good body then congrats. In 10 years none of us will even have bodies anyways thanks to robots and our brains getting downloaded into the cloud. Enjoy it while it lasts and if you’re a girl please DM me on Instagram.

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If Leonardo DiCaprio can get chicks with this body I think we all can too.

3. Do Not Make Any Life Changes

Summer is for good times. Don’t stress yourself out with major life changes. Maintain the status quo from 9 – 5 so you can rock hard from 5 – 9. Amiright fellas?

  • Work
    • One of the best things about the summer is that no one is ever in the office ever. Why schedule a meeting if half the team is on vacation? Enjoy the precious few months you get of not really caring about your job. Don’t spend a half hour crafting the perfect email to send a group of important people. You’re going to get automatic out of office replies from at least half of them anyways.
      • *A note on automatic replies. Please please please don’t personalize your automatic reply. We don’t need to know you’re going to Disney World with your family this week and are “super excited!” Just tell us when you’ll be back and who to reach out to in your absence Kathy. For the love of God. 
  • Career
    • If you’re thinking of switching jobs during the summer, this just isn’t the blog for you. Are you really going to skip a rooftop happy hour to go home and prep for that interview? Plus, the VP who actually makes the hiring decisions is in the Hamptons for 2 weeks reconnecting with the children he’s spent the year ignoring so the process is going to take forever anyways. Just do a good enough job to not get fired and wait until September to follow your dreams like a grown up, pal.
  • Relationships
    • Unless you find yourself in a dire situation, you should not change your relationship status. If you have a girlfriend, stay with her. You don’t want some break up drama clouding the BEST SUMMER EVER. If you’re single, keep it that way. It’s going to be very hard to start a relationship during the summer when you’re both gone every weekend or have plans like every other night during the week. Plus, it’s called single for the summer for a reason. Everybody (boys and girls) goes a little nuts during the summer – when it’s hot outside it gets hot outside if you know what I mean.
    • If you get yourself a summer fling, congrats on the best thing ever. Summer loving is God’s gift to an imperfect human race. There’s a reason Grease is considered the greatest work of art of all time. But be careful and protect yourself- sometimes you gotta leave the summer in the summer.
      • DISCLAIMER – We all know that true love triumphs over all so if you do find that, don’t use summer as an excuse. I am just some incredibly handsome and probably rich guy on the internet. You don’t have to listen to what I say. 
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Scientology RULES right gang?

4. Dress Cool

While you shouldn’t make life changes, you SHOULD make some wardrobe changes.

    • Work
      • You now have double the options for work clothes. You can wear the button downs you’ve been wearing all winter PLUS you can bust out cool Polos like 3x a week and show off those rocking biceps.
    • Play
      • We’ve been waiting all year and it’s finally here – SSBD season. What are SSBDs? It’s simple- Short Sleeve Button Downs aka God’s gift to women. Nothing gets the crowd going like an untucked, lightweight, soft-collared, light-colored, short sleeve button down. If it’s linen, sign me the heck up.
      • From a pattern perspective, you want something cool but don’t try too hard. Be careful with plaid – someone at the bar may ask you if you’re wearing a picnic table and it’ll hurt your feelings a lot.
      • On this blog, we let the top 2 buttons down. One button is clearly for nerds and 3 buttons is for weird guys showing off their chest hair or possibly Europeans.

 

 

  • Shorts
    • Let’s keep these above the knee but below the mid thigh. I’ve been seeing a short shorts trend lately and I’m not pleased. If you do this, consider yourself warned.
  • Sunglasses
    • Sunglasses rock. You look super cool plus no one can tell where you’re looking. But you’re 100% going to either lose or break whatever sunglasses you have. If you’re spending more than $50 on sunglasses, no offense but you’re an idiot.
  • Shoes
    • Summer shoes are tricky. Sneakers can be troubling because of the whole sock issue. When I was ages 11-15, if you weren’t wearing ankle socks, congrats on being the biggest loser alive. Then all of a sudden, you have to wear mid-calves or you might as well never leave the house. I blame the rise of lacrosse aka the sport for kids who can’t hit a curveball. Now, as a post-grad I have no idea what sock-wear goes with my sneakers when I wear shorts. Would love some feedback.
    • Sperry’s are sick but we’re not juniors in high school anymore. Can’t wear those a lot.
    • Are flip-flops cool? Honestly, I don’t know. Frankly, I shouldn’t be giving fashion advice. I have 6 shirts, 3 pairs of shorts and 3 pairs of shoes (Sperry’s, All-Birds and gym sneakers.) Don’t listen to me.
Woman flirting with uninterested male friend
Omg is he wearing khaki shorts that fall just above the knee and a plaid short sleeve button down?? I need to make love to him instantly

5. Shark Mode 

This is the most important pro-tip of the blog and one that I stole from guest columnist Emperor Mizuno. For those who don’t know, sharks cannot stop swimming or they will die. It’s like an oxygen/water thing I think. But that should be your motto this summer – if you slow down for one second, all hope is lost. If you read Pro-Tip 1, you know you should be saying yes to every social engagement. However, if you find yourself with a night or two off, don’t sit around and watch Netflix. That’s some winter shit. Go to the gym so your body is not completely embarrassing. Run some errands. Cook yourself a healthy dinner. Opportunities to get your shit together are few and far between during the summer – take advantage of them whenever you can.

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Remember- fish are friends NOT food

That’s all I got folks. Please remember your sunscreen and to text me tomorrow for my birthday. I will remember those who don’t.

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