Work.Retire.Die.

Yep that’s right. You heard correctly. The new Duchess of Sussex (which rhymes btw) wants a piece of the Content King. We all want we can’t have – apparently even the Royal Family isn’t immune. For many this would be flattering, but for me it’s just flat out annoying.

For those who don’t know, Meghan and I are former lovers and current soul-mates. We met at a gala a few years back and she was immediately impressed with my charm, sophistication and perfect body (you can’t see me through the computer but trust me it’s pretty sick.) Soon after, I invited her to summer with me in Bora Bora and she unsurprisingly accepted. We enjoyed 3 months of passion, making love and mingling souls by the seas, only leaving our bungalow to find sustenance and socialize with the Tahitian locals (who are a lovely people by the way.) But eventually, the real world came calling. I had an Internet empire to claim. And she wanted things I just couldn’t give her – mutual respect, communication, monogamy. The list goes on and on. I saw the writing on the wall and called it off.

Predictably, she didn’t take it well. She begged me to take her back. She turned to painting and poetry to express her suffering. She gained 35 pounds off Ben & Jerry’s alone. It was frankly embarrassing. Finally, she found a man to bury her pain in – Prince Harry. Was I happy for her? Yes. Did a small part of me still yearn for her, hoping that the embers of our fiery romance still burned after all these years? Of course. But what choice did I have?

Then came the Royal Wedding, which no coincidence was held on my birthday. I knew this was a sign from Meghan, her calling out to me in the void. So I did what any rationale person would; booked the first flight to London, showed up at the church, bypassed security (the head of security is a WRD fan), and secured a seat at the back of St. George’s Chapel. When she walked down the aisle, we locked eyes. Her jaw dropped and a tear came to her eye. She mouthed the words “I love you” and a blew a kiss to me. A smile came to my face for the first time in years and I returned the air kiss. It was magic.

If anyone saw the Royal Wedding they know what happened next. Both couples said their vows and the priest asked the standard question – “Does anyone object to this marriage? Speak now or forever hold your peace.” Meghan turned expectantly to the audience and looked in my direction, hoping, wishing, praying that I speak up. I met her look with silence. The priest began to continue with the ceremony, but Meghan cut him off.  “Really??!!” she yelled. “No one objects?” I stayed silent. It was an embarrassing scene.

Why did I not fight for my love you ask? The truth is, when I saw her on the stage, I knew this was her path. Yes, I could make her my Content Queen, but she wouldn’t be happy. She needed this life of fame and fashion and charming accents. If you love something, you let it go. So I kept my mouth shut and and the wedding went off without a hitch. We all move on with our lives right? WRONG.

Soon after the wedding, I started to receive texts. Hundreds a day. Apparently, she realized the huge mistake she was making. I get it – the Royal Family doesn’t do anything. I do stuff. I write like a blog a week. Sometimes two. She traded in a lifetime in my kingdom of content for some stupid title, fancy dresses, TV appearances and no actual power. I can see why she’d have regrets.

But do I need to be getting texts like this at all hours of the night?

Worst part is, Harry and I are close friends. We’re part of the same weekly poker game (famous people only) and sometimes lunch together.  Meghan told Harry that she and I are just friends but let’s be honest. Friends don’t drunk dial each other at 2 am, saying  “I love you and wish you were here making love to me right now and not my stupid prince husband.” They just don’t. If Harry find out, he’s going to be heartbroken and will probably challenge me to a duel. And I’ll have to kill a member of the Royal Family. Not great for business.

Where does this leave us? It’s clear that she may have given her life to Prince Harry but  will never give him her heart. Once you’ve had a King, a prince just won’t cut it. But, Meghan, if you’re reading this (I know you are) please stop texting me. I don’t have unlimited texting and my bill for this month is astronomical. We’ll always have Bora Bora.