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EDITOR’S NOTE: Today we have a special guest column from returning blogger Jag Mehoff. (Check out his debut blog about day drinking here.) He was a fan of the Jags both before and after it was cool. He begged to have his pseudonym changed, but if you think I’m passing off the chance to force a masturbation reference, you don’t know me very well. Enjoy

Power Ranking the Best Days of Elementary School

Has your card ever been declined for a $1.80 cup of coffee at a Starbucks before? Well guess what pal? Mine has. And the worst part isn’t the fact that you don’t have a mere $2.00 or even a $1.81 in your bank account. It’s that the barista is cute and you’ve been coming to this Starbucks for a long time so you’re a familiar face, and now your name sits on a cup of coffee on the counter that you just have to leave there. It sucks. Then you humbly walk back to your car, stare at yourself in the rearview mirror and then proceed to google “Starbucks near me” because there is no way you can show your face in there again. Last thing you want is to walk in there and they say “hey everyone look – it’s Decline Danny!” or maybe something like “hey there goes Can’t Pay Jay!” or you get some wise comment like “you sure you want me to make this drink? It would be a shame if I put in all that effort and SOMEONE couldn’t afford it.” You know what- those aren’t funny and they aren’t even my names, so joke’s on you.

Now that I finally got that off of my chest, I’ll explain how that event made me think back to a time that money, coffee, or stupid Starbucks employees with terrible taste in insults didn’t matter. That time, my friends, was elementary school.

Yes good ole elementary school. When you woke up to your mom or dad making you breakfast and picking out your clothes (my mom had great taste), and then headed off to learn the wonders of things like the alphabet or what kind of sound a giraffe makes. Does anyone actually know what sound a giraffe makes by the way? Do they even make one? Serious question.

Anyway back on topic… Elementary school was clearly some of the best days of my life looking back. Some would say that’s even when I peaked but that’s okay with me- I had some GREAT days back then. With all of that said, these here’s a list of the days that made you absolutely pumped to get on that bus in your light up sneakers.

BOOK FAIR:

Who didn’t love the book fair? I mean c’mon – you get to walk in to this room full of books, posters, games, cool stuff to put in your pencil case or trapper (or binder. I think it’s a regional thing), and weird stuff like rabbits foot keychains. Our school let us pick out a book for free too which was sweet (shout out to my girl Junie B. Jones). Best part was, it took up a good portion of the day. Which was always nice.

HALLOWEEN:

Ahh yes Halloween in Elementary School – a day every child looked forward to all year long. Don’t worry, the Content King has given me permission to speak on behalf of every child. (Editor’s Note: I have not, but go off.) The hallways were decorated, classrooms were decorated, lunch was Halloween themed, and candy was everywhere. Everyone was excited about what costumes they were going to wear and bragging about how much candy they were going to get… hey Justin from Mr. Fowlers 4^th grade class you did not get enough candy to fill up your bath tub that’s BS and you know it so I’m still here and I haven’t forgotten if you ever want to come clean.

TRACK AND FIELD DAY:

Finally. A day that was completely devoted to recess. When I was running for student council back in the day, I pledged I would increase the amount of recess we had every day. I didn’t win #rigged, but I was relieved because there is no way I could have lived up to that promise… which then would have put me on the fast track to becoming a notable politician and that doesn’t really seem like the path for me. Track and Field day was always a blast though and it allowed you to show off some athleticism to the girls in class who may have only known you for your good looks and supreme intelligence. Shuttle run, 40 yard dash, sack races, hula hooping, backwards running (which I crushed by the way… definitely faster running backwards) and countless other activities. It was a day to stay outside, be active, and crush some competition all while earning the affection of some admirers. And it was glorious.

LAST DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS BREAK:

Christmas time back in the day was the best. ABC Family was still a thing, you didn’t question how Kevin McCallister’s dad afforded that house and expensive vacations, and you knew that you and Santa had a connection because even though you weren’t always the best behaved he still hooked you up every year #mydog. In school, everyone was in a great mood during Christmas time, especially on the last day before break. Teachers had given up and put on Christmas movies in each class, you ate more candy canes than you ever would again in your life, and created ornaments to put on your tree every year that my family still uses because I’m artistic AF. Then when the day was over everyone would say “see you next year!” which was always the classic joke because the next time you would see each other in school it would be the New Year! Get it? Get it?!

As much as I would love to go on and on about how great Elementary School was, I must acknowledge that this site is not my own and I must save some content for the King to post (*Editor’s Note: Worry about yourself and stop making excuses for short form blogs.) 

With that said here are some last honorable mention events that were always a staple:

Honorable Mentions

-Science Fair

There is no way you made that volcano yourself Greg, your mom definitely helped.

-D.A.R.E trip to the police station

Felt like such a badass getting my fingerprints done and honestly haven’t been back since so go me.

-Music class when the teacher brought out the cool instruments

She always had shit I’ve never heard of. Like what is a Cabasa? A Guiro? This isn’t an instrument this is a weird shaped object with ridges and a stick but I’m damn good at it.

-Fire Drill/School Bus Drill Day

I was always the one that would help people hop out at the back of the bus. Whenever that cute girl would come along and you had to hold her hand for a split second to help her, you would feel like you’re the shit.

–Field Trips

Well obvi.

So there you have it folks. The next time you’re sitting at your desk crippling under the realization of how much stuff you have to do, just think back to the days where your biggest concern was what gross treat the kid who wasn’t allowed to eat sugars parent’s brought in for his birthday (gotta love fruit leather).