Work.Retire.Die.

Editor’s Note: Surprise! We have a new guest blog from returning contributor Buffalo Bitch, one of the biggest bitches alive who happens to be from Buffalo. He’s got some smoking hot takes to keep you warm in the cold winter months.

Additional Editor’s Note: Many have said it’s pathetic that the Content King hasn’t written a blog in 2 weeks and has to rely on back to back guest columns to fill his content quotas. To that I kindly ask you to please shut the hell up. I have a lot going on. And this is a content democracy, not a content dictatorship.  

Desk Items to Get You Through The Day

The New Year’s celebrations came and went, bringing the excitement of resolutions for a healthier, better you in 2019. What follows next is the familiar, overwhelming feeling of hangover and regret. This isn’t your typical hangover from a party, which lasts one or two days (depending on your age) and mainly consists of finding out what you broke and who you hooked up with.  I’m talking about the New Year’s hangover, that lasts for all of January and February, as you slowly realize you won’t follow through on any of your resolutions and the mother of all hangovers sets in – the demon known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD!!)

It can be tough to get out of that funk when you literally never see the light of day for 2 straight months because it gets dark at 4pm and you’re working that 9-7 desk life (whoever referred to it as a 9-5 when we were growing up needs a swift kick to the reproductive organs for implanting that idea in our young, impressionable minds…) 

While you still need to make money, and so do I since this blog doesn’t pay shit, here are a few things that are perfect to get you through the agonizing work day, leading to hopeful retirement and eventual death.

A Cactus

I cannot think of anything more perfect for your desk.  Think about this description for a minute – it requires little water, doesn’t ever move, lives most of its life in artificial light, and will slowly die away at a desk.  Now that I’ve described your average employee at a cube farm, what better way than to have a plant do the exact same thing with you all day, every day.  They say misery loves company, so get yourself a prickly best friend for these lonely winter months.

Headphones

Probably the most obvious among workplace necessities, but nevertheless important to mention. Chilling in the cube, pretending to do work with naked ears is just asking for Susan from accounting to “swing by” and talk your ear off for 20 minutes about her daughter’s soccer game this weekend. Headphones send the strong but subtle message that you’re doing shit when really you’re just listening to a trash podcast about how to get laid this weekend.

(Unless you’re one of those who tries to “better themselves” by listening to podcasts about soul searching or Wall Street. Two things I couldn’t be less interested in – those podcasts and you)

Candy and snacks

Now this one can be a tricky double edged sword.  It’s a great way to develop a positive repertoire with coworkers and meet that smokeshow new hire Brooke from sales.  It’s also an invitation for the weird guy Gregg (really…2 g’s?) to come by daily, leading others to believe you’re friends and associate you with the sweaty fat guy with the neckbeard. 

Tread the line here. All candy and snacks should be:

• Accessible, but not too visible 
• Supplied, but not too overstocked
• Varied, but not a full on candy aisle

Photos of your family/children

For the three or four readers out there who already have a family and kids, this one’s for you.  We’re going to ignore the fact that you find yourself on this blog and save that for another time.  I’m not here to judge.

Let’s say you spend 45-ish hours a week in the hellhole that you call a “job”. Assuming you are lucky enough to get 2 weeks’ vacation in this great land of the free, that’s 2,250 hours a year you’re spending in the cube.  I know math may not be a strong suit amongst readers but stay with me here, the math checks out I promise.  Based on the assumption that you work until the ripe age of 70, an extremely generous age for retirement (those damn baby boomers and the broken economy they created – yet us “millennials” are somehow killing outdated department stores, as well as the napkin and the bar-soap industry…) you will have spent a total of 108,000 hours slaving away at your desk. 

Want to know what will make that time fly by and motivate you to stay late? Take a look at what’s waiting for you at home, and I’m willing to bet you put in that extra hour or two of work to avoid helping around at home.  Sure the spreadsheet is a pain in the ass to work with, but compare that to getting home and:

• Sarah-Jean is crying in her room because Jess’ friend Lizzie also has a crush on Adam from algebra
• Billy dropped his grape juice box on the white carpet
• Baby Justin requires his third diaper change of the evening

Yeah, I’ll take another hour of excel for $100 Alex.

A stressball

In the era of working until you die because you can’t save a dime, taking a lunch break is extremely frowned upon.  Your employer expects you to sell your soul for the company while being 100% productive, even when you’re trying to absorb all of last night’s booze with that greasy Chick Fil A sandwich. This inherently means you also get to hear Jerry eating his lunch every day through the cubical walls.  Some of you may have to fortune of not experiencing this, but most of us know and despise the office Jerry. 

This is the guy (or girl…. it’s 2019 ya know) that loves to reheat their leftover fish in the microwave, and chew their food like cow in a pasture suffering from chlorophyll withdrawal.  Every ounce of your body wants to put him in a chokehold until the lip smacking (and maybe breathing) ceases, yet most of us are rational enough to not follow through.  Simply start squeezing the stressball like its Jerry’s neck and –  Voila! – you no longer feel the need to commit premeditated murder.  Just don’t be tempted to use the stressball to choke Jerry, that would be unwise.

Or just keep a bottle of whiskey in your drawer and start drinking at 4 pm like a grown man.