Work.Retire.Die.

After 6 long months of Coronavirus and quarantining, it finally is starting to feel like the world is moving back towards some level of normalcy. New York just announced indoor dining would begin in October, malls are opening up, and people are starting to move back into their apartments in cities around the country. More importantly, people seem to finally be comfortable hanging out and seeing friends again, even with 6 feet of distance and masks.

This feels like an incredible moment in our world, but honestly it sucks complete ass. Here’s why.

1. Remembering How to Talk to People

For those who have re-entered adult society, there are generally two stages of your socializations. At first, you’re genuinely excited to see your friend for the first time in months and you have a blast catching up and telling quarantine stories. “Oh wow, you were staying at your parents?! What was that like” “So what’s your office saying about going back?” “Yeah no your Instagram stories have been really fun and not annoying.”

But then inevitably you hit a lull and you realize…you have no idea how to talk to people anymore. So little has actually happened in your life that you don’t have much to say. And you’re so used to your routine of silence, one that starts with staying on mute for every call during the work day and ends with mindlessly watching Netflix and Tik Toks at night, that you are now absolutely clueless when it comes to keeping up a conversation.

In my case, if someone is not interested in talking about how Nickelback revolutionized the music industry, I am just straight up out of conversation topics.

2. dealing With People Wearing Masks

I simply do not like speaking to other people when we are both wearing masks. I know it’s safer but it honestly scares me. I am a horrible listener and generally rely on facial cues to determine if someone likes me, hates me, or is jealous of my observational comedy on post quarantine socialization norms. I also have no idea what strangers look like now, which is valuable information. If you’re bringing a new friend, I need to know how hot they are so I can decide to respect them or not.

The only benefit to the masks is that you don’t really have to brush your teeth anymore, since your mouth is either covered or far enough away from someone that they won’t smell your breath. You get at least 3 minutes back in your day that would’ve been spent brushing or god forbid, flossing.

3. having to Hide the Wart on Your Knee

I have been growing a wart on my knee for the past few years and it has really blossomed during quarantine. To be honest, I completely forgot it existed and no one really saw Walt (name for the Wart) since every interaction with a friend was over Zoom. Now that we can hang out in person and I’ve been wearing shorts and flaunting my knees, the inevitable questions alwayssssss come.

“Is that a wart on your knee?” Yes.

“It’s really big.” Thank you : )

“Have you tried getting rid of it.” No? It’s a big part of my personality now and one of my longest lasting relationships.

“Can you maybe cover it up?” Your jealousy of the fleshy, painless growth on my leg is no reason for me to hide my natural beauty.

I think without a doubt this is something that we can all relate to.

4. Keeping a SOCIAL CALENDAR IS Exhausting

If you’ve been hanging out with people for the last month or so, COVID is no longer a legitimate get out of jail free card for getting out of plans. So, for better of for worse, you are sort of forced to say yes to most invitations.

Just yesterday, I realized I accidentally scheduled two events for the same night. Since it’s generally hard to get more than 4 people outside of my family to like me, this hasn’t happened in some time. And since I also refuse to keep a calendar (the government doesn’t need to know what I’m doing) I’m stuck either writing a schedule on my hand, trying to memorize things in my head, or alienating everyone around me. All of those sound equally appealing.

5. Uncomfortable seating

Since COVID is still very much a thing, most times you’re seeing people, it’s outdoors. And I hate the outdoors. I’m one of the least flexible people in America, both physically and emotionally. I’m sorry but I do not want to sit on a blanket in the park. It’ll destroy me.

Also, my wart makes it extremely painful to bend my kneed sometimes, which is really kind of the crux of this point, and frankly, the entire blog.

6. People Don’t Accept the New You

If you’re like me, you used the quarantine as an opportunity to completely change your entire personality. With some time removed from normal life, you had the chance to focus on what matters to you. Maybe you decided to become a baker or movie buff or just really annoying on Instagram stories (this is most of you.) Personally, I moved to Brooklyn and started a skin care routine that consists of putting moisturizer on my face most mornings if I can remember. Both those things are now my entire personality.

The point is, you’re different now and you want to put your bad habits behind you. But when you see some of your ‘friends,’ they don’t always accept this new version of you and might even criticize the wart on your knee. So be it. Live your life for you.