Work.Retire.Die.

The ultimate dream in Corporate America (and life) is to avoid work and responsibility while advancing in your career. One of the best ways to fly up the ladder is by executing a series of poorly disguised political maneuvers known as ‘power moves.’ These help you create a persona so intimidating that no one will ever ask you do actual work, as they live in constant fear that, as the resident office alpha, you’ll humiliate and expose them as the pathetic moron that they are deep inside.

Unfortunately, we’ve all had to adjust to the new normal of working remotely, which makes power moves a little harder. Tricks that worked in the office, like taking the best chair in conference room or pushing someone into the urinals while they’re peeing, aren’t as effective in a virtual world. Luckily for you corporate hacks, I’m here to show you how to dominate your coworkers from the comfort of your couch.

Power Moves to Pull While Working remote

1. Ignore any and all Slacks or Teams messages that begin with “hi do you have time for a quick chat??” Eventually respond 3 hours later and say ‘Sorry was in a meeting with leadership and got tied up. What can I do for you buddy?’ 

2. Decline 40% of all meetings. If you do attend, show up late and say you have a hard stop. Irish exit in the middle of the call and simply hang up without explanation.

3. If someone shows you their apartment on video chat, openly laugh and mutter ‘Oh my God, that place fucking sucks,’ under your breath. “Apologize” and say you thought you were on mute.  Message a link to a sale at West Elm in the meeting chat. 

4. Schedule a meeting with your boss for next week to look busy. Sample message for the meeting – ‘Schedules are totally jammed so putting this on for next week. More to come!’

5. Message your coworker and ask them if they’re doing ok – you’re just checking in since they’ve seemed sluggish and low energy the past few days and it’s been pretty noticeable. 

• This is definitely based on nothing, but will throw them into a state of paranoia while simultaneously endearing yourself to them as a concerned colleague.

6. Next time someone shows you their baby on Zoom, instead of oohing and aahing, just ask if it can read or write or even do any cool tricks. They’ll realize how lame their baby is ASAP and you’ll expose them as a poor parent, throwing their leadership abilities into question with the higher ups. Win-win. 

7. Schedule emails to be sent at 9 pm or 7 am so it looks like you’re working around the clock. Everyone knows it’s about how hard it seems like you’re working vs. your actual work ethic. 

8. If your coworker’s dog starts barking or jumping on them in a Zoom, rather than being polite about it, go ahead and scold their dog over video chat. If you can swing it, begin training their dog in front of your entire team. 

• This will establish you as not only a take-charge leader, but showcase your ability to train new hires in ways your colleague simply is not equipped to do. 

9. Offer to share your screen and then ‘accidentally’ open a window with a LinkedIn message from a recruiter. 

10. Buy a pair of boxing gloves and a punching bag. You don’t have to actually use it, but it’s important to keep it in the background of your video chat at all times to create a bad boy persona. Nunchucks would also be smart. Crossbow wouldn’t hurt. Pop Warner participation trophies will do in a pinch.

11. Convince your team to make your virtual happy hour into a power hour. Switch out your drink for something non-alcoholic. Get them all shitfaced while you stay sober as a mouse and record the entire meeting.

• We call this the Power Move Power Hour.

12. Do your job to the best of your abilities, treat your contemporaries with respect, and focus on the work vs. politics and glad-handing your way to a promotion. 

• This will most likely not work, but at least you can say you tried.

Enjoy the weekend WRDies