Work.Retire.Die.

One of life’s simple pleasures is small talk. I don’t mean that sarcastically. I genuinely enjoy making ultimately meaningless conversation for 3 to 7 minutes with friends, acquaintances and perfect strangers. There’s something soothing about knowing exactly where an interaction will go, the familiar ebbs and flows wrapping you tight in a warm hug from the conversation gods. 

The past 3+ months have effectively destroyed this great joy. Life has been put on pause and the future is unclear. There’s no updates to give or plans to look forward to. There are just the same 5 topics: 

• How long do you think this will last? 

• Someone you know got it

• You thought you had it but you got tested and you actually didn’t

• I can’t believe Insert Mutual Friend is going to bars and restaurants. They are single-handedly responsible for keeping this virus alive for the foreseeable future.

• All of society is burning down and will likely never be the same again

And yes, these are all important conversations to have, but personally, I can only take so much. So, I present to you, things to talk about besides coronavirus. 

Conversation Topics that Aren’t Coronavirus Related

• Why Nickelback is actually a good band and it makes no sense that people shit on them. 

• How you plan to completely change your personality after you return from quarantine. 

• Which one of your friends has been the most annoying on social media during this period.

• How Nickleback’s 2005 hit ‘Rockstar’ is a stunning indictment of capitalist culture and antiquated ‘Americana’ values and spurred the rise of the radical left-wing political class. 

• Good workouts and classes you can do right at home. 

• What shows are you watching? How about that Tiger King fellow? 

• How shitty and poor your friend is based on their apartment (this is best for when you are in a ‘Zoom,’ a popular video chatting service.)

• Is the hatred for Nickelback rooted in a mid 2000s anti-Candian panic, initially satirized by South Park in their ‘Blame Canada’ song that touched on a growing ‘America First’ mindset that at best overvalues an outdated view of American exceptionalism and in practice, highlights the inherently racist and isolationist mentality of the country’s majority that led to Donald Trump’s rise to power and points to the effective end of the American empire as we know it. 

• Did you hear that barbershops are open now? Haha man do I need a haircut! 

• Someone had a wedding during quarantine and it was actually kind of sweet : ) 

• ’Photograph’ is actually a really good song and I don’t see how you could argue that. 

• Remember the murder hornets? What happened to those? 

• Creed does not get enough respect either. Imagine Dragons is fine. Smash Mouth works. 

• Are you dressing up for work calls or are you wearing sweats like me 🤪

• I am prepared to fight to the death any man, woman or child who would argue that “This is How You Remind Me” is not a top 7 soft rock of the 2000s.

• Are we still making bread?