Work.Retire.Die.

If you haven’t heard, Pat Mahomes, NFL “star”, recently signed a contract for a lot of money. Big deal. He’s generally a pretty dumb guy, but today he decided to make a smart decision – ask me for help on how to spend his money. Transcript below –

Now, normally I’d hate sharing personal emails I receive from celebrities, but I felt the need to share the advice I gave him to the loyal readers in hopes that these tips and tricks help you in your own life. Enjoy.

wrd’s 7 pillars of financE

Finance is hard, but you know what’s easy? Acrostic poems. That’s why I made one to help guide your spending habits.

F – Food

Last time I checked, you need food to live and boy is it expensive. Since cooking is a complete waste of time – the food always tastes horrible and you end up throwing out a lot of dishes because you don’t want to wash them – you’re going to want to order out for every meal. And realistically, most of your orders should be from Jersey Mike’s.

I’ve done some quick math and if you spend just 40% of your budget on food, that will be around $180 million of Jersey Mike’s, which should be enough to last you about a year or so. Plus, you’ll accumulate a ton of MyMike’s points, which you can cash in for more sandwiches or apparel at participating locations. Kind of a no brainer.

I – Invest

You gotta spend money to make money, amiright Patrick? So do what I do with my money – open an eTrade account, put about $300 in it, buy a few stocks, and then cash out 2 weeks later because you accidentally left a sink running all night and flooded all the apartments 3 floors underneath you and even with renter’s insurance it’s still really expensive and you have no savings. 

Or just keep the stocks. If my understanding is correct, you now are basically the owner of that company and can fire all the employees. I’m not saying you should do that, but I’m saying you can. 

N – Nissan Ultimas

Now, there are some financial advisors that will tell you to spend your first dollar on a luxury sports car, like a Ferrari, or a Mazerati, or that car from the hamster commercials. WRONG. Why buy 1 Kia Soul when you can buy 115 Nissan Ultimas? It’s simple math Patrick. Plus, with this many Ultis, guess what – you can now breed them into even MORE performance sedans.  

That’s right, Nissan Ultimas are some of the horniest cars around. After a few months of breeding, you can grow your little family of mid-size compact cars into an entire village of fuel efficient, all season, 4 door driving machines and challenge those snivelling Honda Accords the next town over. What’s the point in having millions of dollars if you’re not going to build something that will live on after your death?

A – Alcohol

This bucket of spending should be allocated to the 4 main alcohol food groups:

-Bud Light

-Bud Light Platinum

-Red Bull Jameson

-Wine from your parent’s cabinets that they pretend to not notice you taking so they can avoid conflict (Free)

This will come out to around $100 million a week or so.

N – New Friends

This is a perfect opportunity to upgrade to cooler friends. Unfortunately, I’m still in the middle class so most of my friends are dumb normal people who barely know celebrities or even have cool clothes. However, the second I make a significant amount of money, I plan to find friends who dress better and openly only like me for my money and fleet of Nissan Ultimas. I’d advise you to do the same.

C – Credit Fraud

So if you’ve made it this far, chances are you have most likely spent every dollar you own and are in significant debt. Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us. It’s time to starting frauding.

There’s two basic schools of thought for managing credit card debt.

Option 1- report all your charges from the past 36 months as fraud. This basically consists of calling Bank of America, telling them that you were in a coma for the past year and a half, and acting baffled that someone spend all that money. This works about 50% of the time, but if you had any pictures of you taken or if you spoke to anyone at all since January 2019, you may be in trouble.

Option 2 – Create a series of fake identities, open up different accounts in their names, and transfer your debt back and back between these aliases. This is a little more complicated but much more fun. It’s also a way to get around those pesky marriage laws that only only one wife per person.

e – Expect to Have Your Assets Seized by the IRS and either pay a fine or go to prison for 5 – 7 years. 

The cost of doing business. But look on the bright side – once you leave jail, guess what you have waiting for you? Your commune of 400+ Nissan Ultimas and at least 140 point on your MyMike’s card. That’s worth at least 2 giant subs or 3 regular subs with chips on the side. Hell, you may even be able to cash that in for a hammock. You’re welcome buddy.