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Monopolies that Are Bigger than Big Tech

For you uneducated types, Big Tech has been investigated by the “government” this week during a series of anti-trust hearings to determine whether they are operating under unlawful monopolies. While it’s true that Apple, Google, Facebook and Amazon are dominant in technology, they are far more powerful monopolies that the American public needs to keep a watchful eye on. Luckily, I’m here for the readers, as a vigilante in the fight for justice and I’m courageous enough to shine a light on these horrible tyrants controlling our lives.

Yes, I am aware that I will be hunted by these powerful monopolies but I am unafraid. Even if they somehow manage to throw me in prison, I will eventually become the leader of jail and orchestrate tons of murders and stuff so it’s fine.

I also plan to befriend Billy McFarland, one of the foremost thought leaders of our time.

monopolies bigger than big tech

Business: Growing a Plant

Industry: Quarantine Hobby for People Who Can’t Commit to Dogs

The amount of hydrangeas in my Instagram feed is borderline psychotic. I am very proud of all the plant moms out there, I really am. It doesn’t sound like a lot of work to water a plant once a day, but as someone who hasn’t flossed in 4 years I understand the challenges of daily discipline. Many people say that growing a plant is a great replacement for having a personality. I would never say that, but many people are saying it.

Business: “We should grab a drink when this is all over!”

Industry: Insincere thing to text someone

The perfect response to a ‘Happy Birthday’ text or person who you’re not really romantically interested in. We all know you’re not getting that drink, but it’s nice to pretend.

Business: Rachel McAdams

Industry: Starring in movies where the female lead has less information than her romantic counterpart

This poor, poor woman. In every single movie she is in, she finds herself in the most unconventional romances, that involve her either completing losing her memory, marrying a time traveller, or just getting straight up lied to.

  • The Notebook I mean duh. She gets dementia and her husband (a much older Ryan Gosling who apparently aged horribly) reads her the story of their love to help her regain her memory. Really sweet stuff, but yeah that sucks for her.
  • The Time Traveller’s Wife – title speaks for itself. Her husband is bouncing around time, and meets her when he’s 35 and she’s 16. He already knows who she is but she has never met him, but they still fall in love or something. It’s confusing.
  • The Vow – comes out of coma and doesn’t know who her husband Channing Tatum is. Honestly would be a nice surprise. He has to make her fall in love all over again.
  • About Time – yup. She’s married to another time traveller of sorts. This time, he just gets to relive every single day and like fix all his mistakes. He’s basically the perfect husband because he gets like 5 chances at it.
  • Midnight in Paris – Owen Wilson travels to the 1920s and then comes back and breaks up with her.
  • Wedding Crashers – she is basically just lied to the entire movie and ends her engagement to like the richest guy ever for a person she met over a long weekend and thought was her distant cousin. Got it.

Is this insane or just the experience of every woman in America? Honestly, ladies, I feel for you. It’s hard to find a good guy out there who isn’t a time traveller, pathological liar or trying to help you get your memory back after a brain injury.

Ryan Gosling grows up and looks like this????

Business: strawberry

Industry: Jellies that are actually good

Not prepared to have an argument about this one. There is no reason to have any other jelly (fuck a grape.) Please note, that this does not apply to jams. There are many incredible jams. Raspberry, blackberry, even a nice marmalade will do. This is about jellies.

There is nothing worse than going to a diner and the only jelly packets that they have left are grape or apple. Might as well not even have toast at that point. Toast is really just a jelly delivery system if we’re being honest. Pisses me off.

Who the fuck would ever want this?

Business: Toyota Camry

Industry: cars driven by every Uber driver in History

Yes, we all love a Nissan Ultima. And yes I know I’m spelling that wrong. But the Toyota Camry is just dominating the Uber driver industry right now. At this point, if my friend picked me up in their Toyota Camry, I would just assume they were an off the clock driver.

Business: “Unprecedented Times”

Industry: buzzword of Quarantine

Landslide. An unprecedented monopoly.

Business: Mid-Calves

Industry: Athletic Socks for Men

There was a point in time, around 2008, where if you wore mid-calves you were the biggest loser the world had ever seen. My mom would buy me tube socks, I would literally roll them down my heel to make them ankle socks.

Almost overnight, this somehow flipped. And I get it. It makes your calves look sick and protects the Achilles tendon from wear and tear. But there is a huge sock tan issue that is getting overshadowed.

The human body is not meant to look like this

Business: Crockpot

Industry: America’s #1 Slow Cooker

If you are heading to a socially distanced BBQ and even think of slow cooking your pulled pork tacos in a KitchenAid (or god forbid a Hamilton Beach,) do yourself a favor and close this browser right now, drive to the nearest body of water (river, lake or estuary will do) and hurl your phone and/or computer into it its depths. You do not deserve to consume any media or hilarious relatable monopoly content for the rest of your life.

Business: Monopoly

Industry: fast-Dealing Property Trading GAmes

Absolutely no contest here. Monopoly has a monopoly on games about monopolies.

Business: Monopoly Man

Industry: People who look good in a top hat and Cane

My issues with the Monopoly Man have been well documented, but I am man enough to admit that he looks frankly stunning in his black hat and cane. Much better than that poor excuse for a man known as Mr. Peanut.

Get a job and stop killing children with nut allergies.

Business: Command Strip Hooks

Industry: things you put in your first apartment that you think are good ideas but just break and ruin your Walls

I have a personal vendetta against these things. I always think they’re going to work and they never do. Do yourself a favor and invest in an actual hook and screw that thing in like a grown up.

Business: SSBD

Industry: Hot Boy Summer Shirts

The Short Sleeve Button Down (SSBD) is once again, the hot boy shirt of the summer. A nice, funky patterned SSBD will cover up many issues with a man and deceive women into think you know how to dress yourself and don’t have a dad bod.

This is the only way for a man to be hot in modern America.

Business: “Sorry Having Mic Issues”

Industry: Work Excuse of Quarantine

Easiest way to get out of answering any question on a Zoom.

Business: Bridge to Terabithia

Industry: Movie about the Death of a Small Child That Made Me Cry when I was Babysitting at age 15

This industry is more of a duopoly with Charlie St. Cloud, but yeah. This movie ruined me and I still think about it today.

Spoiler Alert – this chick dies. It sucks.

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