8 Simple Rules for Hiring Top Talent

Hiring top talent is absolutely essential to any healthy business, but so many companies get the interviewing process WRONG. Luckily, Work Retire Die is here to help you turn your list of candidates into the perfect new hires

Here are some things we look for during our thorough interview process:

How do they treat my assistant?

To succeed in this job, it’s important to treat people how they deserve to be treated, regardless of title. My assistant is a little shit who only got this job because I owed his dad a favor. He should not be treated with respect.

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My assistant is a snot-nosed prick. Show him no kindness.

Why do they want this job?

If they indicate any type of passion, it’s an immediate red flag. Only a moron would make this job his passion. I want somebody who thinks they are better than this job because that usually means they are

Is this someone I can trust?

I start every interview off by asking one question – ‘are you sleeping with my wife?’ About 1/3 of candidates are, which is fine. I’d just like to know. We can have an honest conversation from here.

Your resume looks great. One last question – are you making love to my wife of 20 years?

Can they think on their feet?

In this business, things don’t always happen as you plan. It’s important to improvise and adapt. Here’s an example of a classic test.

“A man and his son come in with a digital marketing brief. The account manager says, “I can’t execute this brief! It was made by my son!” How is that possible? The account manager is his mom. Woman can be business leaders too. Really makes you think.

Are they dressed appropriately?

You can tell a lot by how a man dresses. For example, are they wearing a tophat, monacle and cane? This helps me determine if the man interviewing for this role is the Monopoly Man, who has burned me many times before.

If you see this man, let me know ASAP

Is this someone I want to spend time with?

Hours can get long at the office, so it’s important that your new hire is someone who can kick it. I drop several quotes from the tv show “new girl”. If they say, “Isn’t that from New Girl” I don’t hire them. Most of my jokes are from New Girl.

Are they able to problem solve and think analytically?

I ask them the following – “You are a bus driver of a standard yellow school bus. It is approx. 30 feet long and 10 feet wide. A standard white golf ball is approximately 1.5 inches in diameter. What color are the bus driver’s eyes?”

You see they were the bus driver the entire time, I don’t gain any positive information from this, but I love a good riddle

Are they dressed in a top hat, monocle and cane?

They might not be the Monopoly Man, but they are definitely sleeping with my wife.  

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This man ruined my marriage and late-stage capitalism

At the end of the interview, I never ask if they have any questions. I’m not the one being interviewed.

*This article was co-written by our LinkedIntern and appears on our wildly popular and successful LinkedIn page

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