Work.Retire.Die.

Folks, we did it. We made it to the Final Four of Best Inventions Since Sliced Bread. After 2 weeks of madness, just 4 teams remain what is certainly the whitest, malest bracket in the entire world: 

Concepts Region: The Internet
Technology Region: Computers
Everyday Items: Sunscreen
Cool Stuff Region: Video Games

We’ll get into what happened in the last two rounds below, but if you’re new to the party, go read our full tournament summary and Sweet 16 update.  Let’s get into it.

Where We Stand

how’d We Get Here

everyday items region:

Sweet 16 Matchups:

• Top seed Microwaves battled hard but couldn’t stay hot for long enough to hold off a deep #4 Credit Cards team in an overtime thriller. While it’s true that you can microwave a credit card but you can’t credit card a microwave, this still wasn’t enough to take down a Credit Cards team that led to the creation of online shopping and more importantly, the destruction of coin purses.

• #6 Sunscreen, the surprise sleeper of the tournament, blew out a Barcodes team that is definitely useful but honestly something you could have invented yourself if you had the time, resources, and for some reason were really passionate about visually representing data in a machine-readable form to aid the retail shopping experience.

Elite 8 Matchup:

• The regional final featured one of the closest games of the tournament, as Sunscreen and Credit Cards traded blows for a full 40 minutes before Credit Cards got exposed for creating crippling debt and allowing corporations to track your every move. These are mistakes you just can’t make against a nearly flawless Sunscreen team that allowed us to finally stop living like this on the beach.

technology region

What happened

Sweet 16 Matchups:

• Top seed Smartphone struggled at times against a tough #4 Television team that gave us 4 seasons of Drake and Josh and something to point our furniture at in the living room, but eventually pulled away once it became clear you can literally watch live TV on your Smartphone.

• The Cinderella story came to an end for #14 Headphones, as they fell to a second seeded Computers team that is the basis for our entire society and created keyboards, eliminating the need for children to have to learn cursive (early favorite for next year’s Worst Inventions Since Sliced Bread tournament.)

Elite 8:

• #1 Smartphones and #2 Computers, arguably two of the strongest teams in the entire tournament, squared off in a battle of the only things that truly give me joy in this world. Computers emerged victorious as its invention led to incredible societal advancements, while Smartphones will most likely just lead to cancer.

cool stuff

What Happened

Sweet 16 Matchups

• A red-hot #1 Hot Tub team that doubles as a time machine took down a fifth seeded Augmented Reality squad, that was one of the most coolest teams in the tournament but simply too young and inexperienced to be relevant to most people. Years from now, we’ll look at AR like Michigan’s Fab Five – in awe of their limitless talent but saddened that they couldn’t put it all together.

• Fan favorite #14 Jason Derulo followed their 2018 Final Four finish in the Best Songs to Hear While You’re Drunk tournament with another impressive run, but could not take down a #2 Video Games team that changed leisure time forever.

Elite 8 Matchup:

• #2 Video Games stunned top seeded a streaky Hot Tubs roster that may have gotten a little too hot and became uncomfortable after 20 minutes of soaking, particularly during the summer months.

concepts Region

What Happened

Sweet 16 Matchups:

• Top seeded Internet humiliated a #12 Dunking team that had absolutely no business making it this deep in the tournament and isn’t even that cool anyways, proving once and for all that there is nothing wrong with guys who peaked in 8th grade and can’t jump for than 5 inches or touch their toes.

• #11 NBA surprised many pundits with their tournament run but fell to #10 Social Media that has absolutely carried the human race during quarantine.

Elite 8 Matchups:

• While 10th seeded Social Media is certainly a fun, exciting team, tournament favorite Internet exposed their many flaws, including the push-up challenge and every single LinkedIn status every posted.

Stay tuned for our national champion to be revealed next Friday 3/3. We will also be delivering a full video preview of the upcoming Final Four matchups Tuesday or Wednesday- we have reached out to Lo Junardi, Fleece Davis, and Nicky V to see if they are available but they are extremely busy not spiraling into madness during quarantine, so they may be unavailable.

Check out their preview from last week to see if they have any idea what they’re talking about in the slightest.